TITLE- Kissed By Gods
GENRE- Fantasy/Romance
Atop the elephant, Ellerus threw his head back and let loose a cry of delight. The beast spurted water into the air, sending it raining down upon him. Ellerus’ hair was plastered to his head, covering his eyes and trailing rivulets of water down his shoulders. He sputtered in surprise.
Nearby, N’via was doubled over with laughter. Did he look so hilarious? Ellerus contemplated his own appearance; ratty tunic half torn from his body in his clamor for a seat, wiggling uncomfortably as he realized the hair upon the beast’s back was irritating to his skin, and crowing with childish laughter at his own feat. And wet. He was dripping wet, and smelled of elephant. A bright grin shot across his face as he laughed again, raising his hands to shove his wet hair from his eyes.
The elephant began to move, and Ellerus hollered as he lost his balance. Arms flailing, he fought for purchase, ending up sprawled forward with his arms embracing the animal’s massive neck. Wide eyes blinked from beneath fallen locks of black hair, his jaw slack with shock.
And there was N’via, watching him! His heart skipped a beat as he sat up abruptly, smoothing back his hair and wrestling down his tunic. Raising a hand, he waved at her, swelling with pride at the musical sound of her laugh. He was entertaining her! He yelped as the elephant’s hair poked at his backside. He grinned, sitting atop the elephant like a Sultan regardless.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Well, I cheat here because I've read it before. I think Ellerus comes across well here. He seems sweet and delightful. But, had I not read it, I would think N'via was the SC due to the fact that the main POV is Ellerus'
ReplyDeleteEllerus is the POV character, and N'via the SC. And to tell the truth, I don't get much of a view on N'via.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading it. I saw it before, elsewhere. Although it was interesting, I didn't get a sense of N'via as a character, just Ellerus' desire to impress her.
ReplyDeleteAn elephant? That is entertaining... but the huge paragraphs are a bit much. Can you break those apart?
ReplyDeleteAs for characters, I couldn't tell who the MC was but I'm guessing the boy on the elephant, or maybe the elephant itself, are the minor characters since that's what we see the most of here.
I've seen this elsewhere, so I knew beforehand Ellerus is the SC. I'll reiterate that he seems sweet and so head-over-heels for N'via. I think you've done a wonderful job getting across his desire and eagerness to please her.
ReplyDeleteAlthough this is engaging and well written (and Ellerus seems a well crafted character), I got no sense of who N'via is at all. Ellerus had no direct interaction with her, and all we know about her (outside of his own thoughts about her) is that she can laugh.
ReplyDeleteEllerus is a sweet character! I love his child-like ways, and he puts himself all out for N'via, to impress her. Great job with him!
ReplyDeleteIf Ellerus is the SC (and I assume he is, because that was the point of the exercise), this is a delightful snapshot of him. I think it makes him "real," but part of the reason for that is the scene is written in his POV (which threw me off at first, because I wasn't expecting a scene written from the SC's POV -- not that there's anything wrong with that). Nice job. :-)
ReplyDeleteI can't make up my mind whether Ellerus or N'via is the SC.
ReplyDeleteNevertheless, this is a great portrait of Ellerus. A bit of a showman, willing to make a fool of himself to entertain N'via. Obviously amazed that he could capture the attention of N'via.
Boy, did I like this one. I loved the character Ellerus and I thought he was the MC.
ReplyDeleteFrom reading, I thought N'via was the SC because it is in Ellerus's pov, but I see that is not the case. As a SC, Ellerus is well fleshed out here, sweet and perhaps somewhat innocent. Well done.
ReplyDeleteWell done! Ellerus is a scamp - a delightful, playful one at that. Your prose is great, the descriptions - he smelled like elephant - gave me some great sensory images to fill out the picture I have of him.
ReplyDeleteThis is one of the best I've read today.
Kizmet
Hmmm, I'm guessing Ellerus in the SC. His exultation communicates but I think what told me the most about his character is that he was so happy to be entertaining her. I thought that was lovely.
ReplyDeleteThere is really only one character here... unless you are talking about the elephant.
ReplyDelete[wrinkles nose at the unsanitary aspect of being sprayed by water from an elephant's trunk]
I would say Ellerus works as a MC (possibly SC in a shifting pov novel). There are clunky descriptions of him in spots... like this one:
Wide eyes blinked from beneath fallen locks of black hair, his jaw slack with shock.
But overall [with all out-of-the-body self descriptions of the characters carefully ignored] this works for me.
While I thought that the word choice was impressive, that seemed to be the emphasis. When I finished, not much about the characters or the action had jumped out at me. Not sure which is the SC.
ReplyDelete