Pages

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Drop The Needle #11

TITLE: Untitled
GENRE: YA Fantasy



In the next instant, a shrill, terror-laced scream burst from somewhere upstairs. Kate bounded up the steps two at a time.

“Camille!” Kate stopped in the middle of the hallway, momentarily confused. How far down from her own room was Camille’s? Vaguely, she heard the door slamming downstairs. No, not Miss Lily, Kate thought. She was certain that there was something here that Miss Lily shouldn’t see.

Suddenly remembering which room was Camille’s, Kate darted down the hallway in that direction. She knocked on the door, calling Camille’s name. Without waiting for an answer, Kate tried the doorknob. It was locked.

“Kate, what’s wrong?” Miss Lily was approaching rapidly, her face a knot of worry. “I thought I heard a scream.”

“You did,” Kate said. “I think it was Camille. But…” She jiggled the doorknob.

Miss Lily withdrew a thick ring of keys from her pocket and fumbled through them for a few seconds. Then, her hand visibly trembling, she placed one of the keys into the keyhole and turned it. Pushing the door open an inch or so, Miss Lily knocked lightly.

Kate couldn’t contain herself. She edged in front of Miss Lily and thrust the door open. Stumbling into the room, Kate tried to tell herself that everything was all right, that Camille had been frightened by a spider or something. But even as she tried to deny the whispered warnings of her own heart, her eyes rested on a sight worse than she could have imagined.




Emotion: ANXIETY

12 comments:

  1. At first, I sense no emotion whatsoever from Kate. Miss Lily is clearly shaken, even fearful maybe. Only at the end, Kate's worry and anxiety becomes clear. I'd read on, but more beacuse of the hook value then because of the emotions.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I get the edge of panic. She's startled and a little worried and a little scared... anxiety I guess is the right word.

    It would work. I need to see it in context.

    ReplyDelete
  3. The main emotions here seemed to be fear and panic.

    ReplyDelete
  4. There was a slow building of panic, which is what you're going for. I'd keep reading.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Ditto on what luc2 said-- I get that you were trying to imbue the anxiety and panic into Kate, but it seemed like an obvious author-intrusion, rather than something coming from your MC herself.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I sense panic in Kate at first. Who wouldn't react that wya to a shrill scream?
    I'm getting anxiety from Miss Lily: 'her face a knot of worry', fumbling through keys, her hands trembling.
    Anxiety from Kate at the end.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I see the edge of panic thing in the beginning, and it grows. I disagree with Lori here - I think that you are showing what the MC is feeling through her actions - she is confused, she thinks about Miss Lily, she tries the doorknob, jiggles it, pushes in front of Miss Lily - all of these actions seem like she is experiencing panic and trying to get a resolution.

    ReplyDelete
  8. This would make a good chapter ending. I really wanted to read on to learn what Kate saw in Camille's room.

    ReplyDelete
  9. A-HAH! It IS a chapter ending! There is only one more sentence.

    Weeee! :)

    ReplyDelete
  10. I agree with Blodwyn. The fear and anxiety is shown quite well through the MC's thoughts and actions. I thought it was very well done.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Dread.

    This has an almost cozy mystery feel to it. I suspect that the sight worse than she could have imagined is either a monster in the bedroom finishing up his Camille meal, or it's Camille deader than a doornail near an open window. You've got my curiosity<:

    ReplyDelete
  12. Nervousness. Seems like she's trying to hide something from Miss Lily.

    ReplyDelete