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Thursday, October 9, 2008

F2S 53

I watched as the three of them stood at the edge of the sidewalk, pulled rubber masks out of their backpacks and put them on. One was a laughing gargoyle, another Frankenstein, and the third, Shrek with blood running down his eyes.

19 comments:

  1. Interesting... but I'm not grabbed. Pop culture references tend to put me off.

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  2. You could leave off the "I watched as" and have a much stronger sentence. In the second sentence, was blood running down his eyes or running from his eyes? I got tripped up a bit.

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  3. I like the vivid picture, but who is them. Robbers? Obviously, something interesting is going on.

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  4. Ditto what Christy said. Exactly my first impression.

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  5. It felt a bit long to me. Something interesting is going on, but I want a firmer sense of POV, I think. Is that possible in two lines? I'm not sure.

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  6. My thought was that it was Halloween with kids going trick-or-treating. Not quite enough to hook me yet, I'm afraid.

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  7. I really liked the blood image. I also was hooked because I wondered if they were robbers or trick-or-treaters.

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  8. I think you could tighten the writing some. Plus I stopped and frowned at Shrek.

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  9. I need to find some sentences christy hasn't seen yet, because I keep agreeing with her -- and gosh darn it, I want to type the comment first for a change! ;-)

    This is minor (and the question may be answered soon in your text), but I wondered why the gargoyle and Shrek masks are so obviously perverted (laughing and bloody, respectively) but Frankenstein seems to be his usual self. I'm sure there's a point in there somewhere....

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  10. I’m not quite sure. This could be something as intriguing as a bank robbery, or mundane like trick or treating. I can’t say I’m “hooked,” but I’d probably read a bit further just to see what’s going on.

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  11. Christy, etc., etc., read my mind. I'm curious to know if it is Halloween, or something really weird going down.

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  12. I'm not quite hooked. I find myself wondering why the edge of the sidewalk is important. But when I divorce myself from the idea that it's sinister I feel more hooked - like if this was about teenagers going out for Halloween.

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  13. I watched as the three of them stood at the edge of the sidewalk, pulled rubber masks out of their backpacks and put them on. One was a laughing gargoyle, another Frankenstein, and the third, Shrek with blood running down his eyes.

    Yes, take out the "I watched as" and you'll have a stronger sentence.

    Wow. Freaky Shrek. That would keep me reading. I hope this is robbery stuff and not just Halloween. But then again, why would robbers be wearing backpacks? I immediately think of young school-kids. But that's just me.

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  14. Good concept, delivery needs tightening.

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  15. Sounds like a robbery. I'd read on.

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  16. I don't know if I'd read on. It would depend on who "they" is. I don't know if I should be picturing kids, teenagers, or adults.

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  17. My impression is that these are bank robbers. 'I watched as' sets a passive tone. I agree with christy; you could leave it out.

    Otherwise, I'd read on.

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  18. Is this Hallowe'en or a bank robbery? I'd probably skip it since I don't like to read horror.

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  19. I agree if I watched as was removed. Interesting.

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