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Wednesday, December 3, 2008

F2S 25

Skippy skidded down the marble corridor to the grand hall. Names on the wall - etched in eldritch red fire - flashed, updating as final exams were graded.

15 comments:

  1. "Skippy skidded"...I couldn't get past that.

    :) Terri

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  2. Though it seems the intent, the alliteration of the first two words is a bit too silly.

    I'm a sucker for the fun mix of magical fantastics and mundane-world events like college exams. I'd read on to see if the story can spin it well.

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  3. I'd read on, definitely, but I'd chose a different word than "skidded."

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  4. I like the alliteration. I think it sets up the feel of the story - fun to read and kinda silly. If that accomplishes your goal, then keep it.

    I think the second sentence could use some editing, though. I had to read it twice.

    I'd keep reading. :)

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  5. I had a bit of trouble with the dashed inset in the second sentence. It slowed me up trying to get the meaning. Overall though, the content is a nice hook.

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  6. You know how much I ADORE this novel, right? O:) The first two lines aren't entirely hookable, as I guess I would just like to see some of the wonderful humor here right at the start--but the tension from exam results is a good way to start too. Anyway. Long live Skippy the Warlord!

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  7. Names etched on the wall in eldritch red fire flashed as the final exams were graded. <- played with the wording a little.

    I liked the Skippy skidded. You would have been in big trouble though if you put Skippy skipped though. :]

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  8. Didn't get it. It felt like you were so close to what you wanted to say, but didn't quite get there. it's lighthearted and I might read on to see if the next part captures my attention.

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  9. It's not my genre, so I wouldn't read on, but I like the tone of the piece.

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  10. Skippy… what a name. Combine that with the description “skidded” and I instantly thought Skippy was a dog. The second sentence grabbed me though. It sounds like a magical school, what with marble corridors and red fire etchings. It took two or three readings before I liked this enough to want to know more though. And it does sound like a neat place/set-up. A little retooling is all…

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  11. I really like this one. Sounds like a book I'd like to read. =)

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  12. I'm not hooked quite yet. I'd probably read on to see where this is going, but therre's no clear tension other than the final exams, which isn't really "hooky" yet, IMHO.

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  13. Skippy skidded threw me. I thought we were talking about very young kids, until we hit the second sentence regarding finals. Also, I had to read that second sentence several times to get its meaning.

    I think maybe that you are trying too hard, expecting too much from these two sentences. Maybe back off a little and give Skippy some tension.

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  14. Average Readability Level: 7.82
    Average of grade levels scores that follow.
    Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.

    Specific Scores
    Flesch-Kincaid Reading Ease (Wikipedia): 76.5
    Aim for 60 to 80. The higher the score, the more readable the text.

    Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level (Wikipedia): 5.8
    Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.

    Gunning-Fog Score (Wikipedia): 8.3
    Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.

    Coleman-Liau Index (Wikipedia): 11.8
    Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.

    SMOG Index (Wikipedia): 6
    Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.

    Automated Readability Index (Wikipedia): 7.2

    I would read it just for the name Skippy, heh.

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  15. I'd have to read more of this to see if it's as humorous as the first sentence would like me to believe. The alliteration in the first two words was a bit off-putting, but they skidded by so quickly the effect wasn't fatal. :-)

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