There was always one. One whose desire permeated my consciousness like a savior’s light in a dizzying fog – one who was desperate enough to stand above the others.
The first sentence is dead on. You've got me. I HAVE to know.
The second one isn't satisfying, though. It's too vague, it doesn't tell me anything. I need something more concrete, something as straight-forward and blunt as the first sentence. Don't talk around what "one" is-- tell me.
I'd have to say I'd read on a bit to find out what's going on and who this is. I'm not thrilled about a simile right off the bat, but curiosity wins out.
Though rather vague, I would read on to see who the one they're talking about is. There's a million possibilities and the next part might keep my attention.
Ditto on the too vague comments. There's no real sense of character, tension, or setting. At least one of these (preferably setting) needs to be present in your first too lines.
Original Text There was always one. One whose desire permeated my consciousness like a savior’s light in a dizzying fog – one who was desperate enough to stand above the others. Average Grade Level Average Readability Level: 9.56 Average of grade levels scores that follow. Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Specific Scores Flesch-Kincaid Reading Ease (Wikipedia): 63.8 Aim for 60 to 80. The higher the score, the more readable the text.
Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level (Wikipedia): 8 Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Gunning-Fog Score (Wikipedia): 12.7 Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Coleman-Liau Index (Wikipedia): 10.8 Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
SMOG Index (Wikipedia): 9.2 Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Automated Readability Index (Wikipedia): 7.1
permeated my consciousness like a savior’s light - was a bit much, seems pompous.
Not working for me. Too vague and too purple.
ReplyDeleteThis is actually one that caught my attention. Not sure what did it for me, but I would read on.
ReplyDelete:)Terri
The first sentence is so awesome! Hooked.
ReplyDeleteThe second sentence is so purple. Lost...
Revise the second to be as deep and straightforward as the first, and you've got my $10.99.
The first sentence is dead on. You've got me. I HAVE to know.
ReplyDeleteThe second one isn't satisfying, though. It's too vague, it doesn't tell me anything. I need something more concrete, something as straight-forward and blunt as the first sentence. Don't talk around what "one" is-- tell me.
I'm there. You hooked me.
ReplyDeleteEh, found this a bit vague and probably not my thing.
ReplyDeleteYes, vague and purple, but somehow reminded me of HP Lovecraft. I would read on because of that. (I confess that I like the occasional purple. :) )
ReplyDeleteI'd have to say I'd read on a bit to find out what's going on and who this is. I'm not thrilled about a simile right off the bat, but curiosity wins out.
ReplyDeleteOne ring shall rule them all....
ReplyDeleteOr not.
:]
I think this is purpley, and maybe something I would skim right over to get to the 'real' start of the story.
Though rather vague, I would read on to see who the one they're talking about is. There's a million possibilities and the next part might keep my attention.
ReplyDeleteThe 2nd setnence drifted for me, but I'd give it a chance to see who The One is and how the MC is related.
ReplyDeleteGood first sentence. The second would make me put the book down. Seems you're trying too hard there.
ReplyDeleteVague. I’d probably pass. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteThe "one" got a little repetitive for me. The last half of the second sentence feels very cliche.
ReplyDeleteDitto on the too vague comments. There's no real sense of character, tension, or setting. At least one of these (preferably setting) needs to be present in your first too lines.
ReplyDeletePurple? Lilac maybe.... ;-) Actually, depending on where this is going, that second sentence might not even be pink.
ReplyDeleteI like the quick tenseness of the first sentence. That the very next sentence began with the word that ended the first sentence rattled my teeth.
I'd like to know what you're up to here -- and to see you dispense with at least one of the "one"s. :-)
Original Text
ReplyDeleteThere was always one. One whose desire permeated my consciousness like a savior’s light in a dizzying fog – one who was desperate enough to stand above the others.
Average Grade Level
Average Readability Level: 9.56
Average of grade levels scores that follow.
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Specific Scores
Flesch-Kincaid Reading Ease (Wikipedia): 63.8
Aim for 60 to 80. The higher the score, the more readable the text.
Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level (Wikipedia): 8
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Gunning-Fog Score (Wikipedia): 12.7
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Coleman-Liau Index (Wikipedia): 10.8
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
SMOG Index (Wikipedia): 9.2
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Automated Readability Index (Wikipedia): 7.1
permeated my consciousness like a savior’s light - was a bit much, seems pompous.