From the vantage afforded by the hilltop, the peaceful sprawl of Karpos City spread out before Rak in a patchwork of greens and golds interspersed with reds. His duty to the Brethren and his sacred oaths of Service to his God required him to enter into this sun-loving city on a mission he privately thought was doomed to fail.
TMI. Too heavy with names and places we don't care about yet.
ReplyDeleteIt's interesting and I really want to like it, but it is a bit heavy. My mind began to wander in the second sentence and I had to read both sentences again - not good when you're trying to hook readers.
ReplyDeleteTMI
ReplyDeleteHow about starting him entering the city, with his reaction (doomed to fail) exuding through his mood and words instead?
I agree. Heavy description is overwhelming and distracting 99% of the time. It took me more than one read through your sentences to get your meaning.
ReplyDeleteSteph
This felt a bit overly information for an opening hook. You have the whole first scene to introduce these things, I think you can slow it down a little.
ReplyDeleteSorry, no. The description doesn't really interest me and unless I get the hint he's going to go torch the whole city as his mission (or something equally as interesting) :P I'm not interested enough by vague hints and the explanation yet.
ReplyDeleteYes. I like the sound of this, only I wouldn't capitalize God (but that's just me - if you put 'his/her/its' in front of it, don't capitalize)
ReplyDeleteVery good. I'd read on to know time/place. But it also seems a bit heavy, a bit too much too fast. I'd be nervous that I'd lose interest if it keeps up with the wordiness.
ReplyDeleteHmm... it does a good job of setting up the story, but it doesn't grabe me.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on despite the description. You might consider starting with him knowing his mission would fail rather than the setting.
ReplyDeleteA little long and wordy. Upon the second reading I was hooked enough to continue on, but it should flow well enough that it doesn’t need a second reading, you know? Also, I love your name “Rak.” I have a character named “Dak,” go figure. I’m curious to know why Brethren and Service are capitalized, but “oaths” is not. Good start though.
ReplyDeleteThe description doesn't actually paint much of a picture for so many words. And would he be dwelling on the colors if his mind is on his oath?
ReplyDeleteI like this. It does need a bit too wordy, but I like the way you weave the fantasy elements and the tension in right from the start. I'd definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteThe writing flows and the description is nice (although I'd suggest something a bit more evocative than "sun-loving"), but I agree this is TMI for an opener. Rak is your POV character here. Personally, I found his evaluation of the doomed mission the most compelling aspect, and more about that right up front definitely would keep me reading on. (Characters who swear oaths to missions destined for failure are classic archetypes for a reason.) :-)
ReplyDeleteAverage Readability Level: 11.08
ReplyDeleteAverage of grade levels scores that follow.
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Specific Scores
Flesch-Kincaid Reading Ease (Wikipedia): 66.4
Aim for 60 to 80. The higher the score, the more readable the text.
Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level (Wikipedia): 11.5
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Gunning-Fog Score (Wikipedia): 13.3
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Coleman-Liau Index (Wikipedia): 10.2
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
SMOG Index (Wikipedia): 6
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Automated Readability Index (Wikipedia): 14.4
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
I don't love books that start with a place. I like to start in the middle of the action.