Ice cold water splashed across Kristin’s face waking her from the nightmare she’d been having. The cold cuff of metal surrounding her wrists didn’t give way.
I'd point out that a great deal of agents and editors have a strong aversion to "waking up" at the beginning of a novel. Consider something more creative as a starter.
It sounds like whatever nightmare she was having couldn't possibly be as bad as her reality. I liked the other Anonymous's suggestion about opening with the water and I would dwell on the sensation; also getting rid of the passive voice. Good job! I would read on.
No. Characters waking up as the opening just doesn't do it for me unless it's incredibly special, and this doesn't have anything to stand out from the other 'waking up' openings. I like that she's either handcuffed or chained but I'd rather see her up and awake and trying to do something or trying not to be noticed or whatever in the opening lines.
Why would a cold cuff of metal give way though? The second sentence seems odd to me. This sort of hooks me, what with a prisoner girl being woken rather rudely, which makes me think she’s not being held captive by very nice folk. The word “surrounding” doesn’t sit well with me. I think “around” would fit better there.
Not a fan of stories that start off with a character waking up--a lot of agents are tired of this literary tool, too. Plus not much is actually happening just yet. I'd start with some action, rather than waking to find herself in chains.
I'm with the others on the waking-up bit. In addition, you've used "cold" twice in close proximity.
Why not use the second sentence as your first? Or, use icy water splashing in Kristin's face as your opener, but don't tell us she's waking up. Slip the nightmare comment in somewhere later (maybe with a reference to how being awake and being asleep presented equally nightmarish scenarios?).
Original Text Ice cold water splashed across Kristin’s face waking her from the nightmare she’d been having. The cold cuff of metal surrounding her wrists didn’t give way. Average Grade Level Average Readability Level: 7.58 Average of grade levels scores that follow. Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Specific Scores Flesch-Kincaid Reading Ease (Wikipedia): 76.5 Aim for 60 to 80. The higher the score, the more readable the text.
Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level (Wikipedia): 5.8 Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Gunning-Fog Score (Wikipedia): 6.7 Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Coleman-Liau Index (Wikipedia): 12.9 Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
SMOG Index (Wikipedia): 4.4 Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Automated Readability Index (Wikipedia): 8.1 Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text
EEEK!! This gives me shivers. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely has thriller written all over it. Good job.
ReplyDeleteI like the second sentence. Hooked.
ReplyDeleteI'd point out that a great deal of agents and editors have a strong aversion to "waking up" at the beginning of a novel. Consider something more creative as a starter.
I'd use a stronger verb in the first sentence and get rid of the was having.
ReplyDeleteIce cold water (ripped, jarred, yanked, pulled, tore) Kristin from her nightmare when it splashed across her face.
It sounds like whatever nightmare she was having couldn't possibly be as bad as her reality. I liked the other Anonymous's suggestion about opening with the water and I would dwell on the sensation; also getting rid of the passive voice. Good job! I would read on.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely the second sentence got my attention more than the first.
ReplyDeleteI'm not real fond of books starting with people waking up, although this has immediate action, so I might be able to get past that.
ReplyDeleteNo. Characters waking up as the opening just doesn't do it for me unless it's incredibly special, and this doesn't have anything to stand out from the other 'waking up' openings. I like that she's either handcuffed or chained but I'd rather see her up and awake and trying to do something or trying not to be noticed or whatever in the opening lines.
ReplyDeleteLooks like she woke up to the same nightmare... :[
ReplyDeleteUm. I'd read on a little bit more. Yes, hooked.
Though you know, this is one of those bad 'starting a book with a person waking up from dream' <- bad varmin according to most agents.
I'm intrigued. I'd want to know if what she thought was a dream is her waking nightmare.
ReplyDeleteA woman in bondage...hmm...nope, not hooked. So many stories start this way.
ReplyDeleteWhy would a cold cuff of metal give way though? The second sentence seems odd to me. This sort of hooks me, what with a prisoner girl being woken rather rudely, which makes me think she’s not being held captive by very nice folk. The word “surrounding” doesn’t sit well with me. I think “around” would fit better there.
ReplyDeleteNot quite hooked. If her life is currently a nightmare, I'd imagine her dreams would be some sort of escape.
ReplyDeleteNot a fan of stories that start off with a character waking up--a lot of agents are tired of this literary tool, too. Plus not much is actually happening just yet. I'd start with some action, rather than waking to find herself in chains.
ReplyDeleteI'm with the others on the waking-up bit. In addition, you've used "cold" twice in close proximity.
ReplyDeleteWhy not use the second sentence as your first? Or, use icy water splashing in Kristin's face as your opener, but don't tell us she's waking up. Slip the nightmare comment in somewhere later (maybe with a reference to how being awake and being asleep presented equally nightmarish scenarios?).
Just a couple of thoughts. :-)
Original Text
ReplyDeleteIce cold water splashed across Kristin’s face waking her from the nightmare she’d been having. The cold cuff of metal surrounding her wrists didn’t give way.
Average Grade Level
Average Readability Level: 7.58
Average of grade levels scores that follow.
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Specific Scores
Flesch-Kincaid Reading Ease (Wikipedia): 76.5
Aim for 60 to 80. The higher the score, the more readable the text.
Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level (Wikipedia): 5.8
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Gunning-Fog Score (Wikipedia): 6.7
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Coleman-Liau Index (Wikipedia): 12.9
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
SMOG Index (Wikipedia): 4.4
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Automated Readability Index (Wikipedia): 8.1
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text
Good scores, but I'm confused. I would read on.