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Thursday, March 25, 2010

152 Fantasy

TITLE: The Untamed Court
GENRE: Fantasy (Faerie)


I dropped the note when it suddenly started to curl and smoke, an
acrid smell filling the room. A wind rose with the stench...

11 comments:

  1. Not hooked by the text, but the title and genre interest me more than enough to see where the text leads.

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  2. Sorry... I'm not hooked yet. This could be reworded slightly so it's smoother...

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  3. Hooked by the title, the text a little less so. I think it needs some polish, but could definitely be a hook.

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  4. The note spontaneously combusted?

    Intrigued, a little confused, but not completely hooked.

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  5. My editing pencil came out. Thought "acrid smell" and "stench" comments were repedititive.

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  6. Good start, but I think the sentence could use some reworking to make it more powerful.

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  7. The title and genre intrigue me, but the opening didn't hook me. However, with a blurb/title I'd read on a bit to see what happened.

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  8. Semi-hooked. The idea is interesting. I'm confused on the timing though. Did she drop the note before or after it started to smoke?

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  9. Thanks everyone! Great comments. How about something like this:

    The note in my hand started to curl and smoke and I dropped it with a yelp. A wind rose along with an acrid smell...

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  10. The last sentence was passive. I think it needs to be active and relate to the sensations the MC experiences, in order to grab us

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  11. A smoking note is intriguing. You've got my attention.

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