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Thursday, March 25, 2010

163 YA Historical Fiction

TITLE: Kidd's Hoard (working title)
GENRE: Historical fiction for young adults


Tuskemos trembled, beach plums dropped, when one Dutchman shot the other and kicked him into the sandy hole. Did he see her?

17 comments:

  1. Huh? Who, what, when? Way too much going on here for me to get any sense at all of what is really happening.

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  2. Definitely confused. Is Tuskemos a person?

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  3. I'm a bit confused. I don't have a sense of who or what the story is about.

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  4. Whoa! I'm confused. I'm sure I would read on a bit to try to figure this out if nothing else.

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  5. No idea what's going on. Needs expanding. Nice dramatic scene though.

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  6. Each of these actions needs a whole sentence for itself.

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  7. Color me confused as well. I thought Tuskemos was a man...and what the heck is a beach plum? Too much going on.

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  8. I'm not usually one for historical fiction, but I get the references enough to want to read more. A title would be a big help, though.

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  9. 'Fraid not. Not really sure what just happened.

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  10. I'm too confused to be hooked, sorry.

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  11. Definitely confused. I think I know what you meant, but it took more thinking than you want a reader to have to do that early in the story. I suggest breaking into two, maybe three sentences for greater reading ease.

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  12. Being a Dutchman myself, I would read on. But the first sentence is a bit confusing.

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  13. Confusing for me, too. I had trouble parsing that first sentence and trying to understand what the last part had to do with the first two parts. And then the question - her, who? Is Tuskemos a her?

    I don't know what beach plums are either, but that could be part of the historical aspect and I'm okay with waiting a bit for more description on that.

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  14. This simply didn't read right to me. And since I didn't know what you were trying to achieve, I gave up.

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