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Thursday, March 25, 2010

65 Suspense

TITLE: Bishop
GENRE: Suspense


The soul-less remains of a teenage girl, emptied of vivacity, captured the interest of everyone in Madison within an hour of its discovery.

18 comments:

  1. hooked to see what else is going on. But the sentence is a bit clunky. I might change it to two seperate sentences

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  2. Huh? I think you've got something going on here that's really weird, or you would have just said "dead". So I'd read on for a bit.

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  3. I like the idea more than the writing.

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  4. Discovery of a dead teenage girl rocks the town...don't think I'd read further.

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  5. ditto Jodi. And I don't think you need "soul-less." Dead is dead.

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  6. Is this Madison, Wisconsin? I love that city, so that interests me. But I don't think you need both "soul-less" and "emptied of vivacity"; they seem to say the same thing. I don't see why this particular corpse would be so interesting to everyone in Madison. Maybe that's coming in the next sentence, but this isn't enough to hook me.

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  7. Hooked, but needs a little changing. I'd cut "empty of vivacity" since "soul-less" seems to say the same thing. Then you don't have the similar-looking "vivacity" and "discovery" so close together, too.

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  8. I'm almost hooked. I think with some tweaking of word choice, you'd get more of a consensus. Reconsider "soul-less" and "emptied of vivacity."

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  9. Hooked enough for the first chapter. :)

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  10. Not hooked.

    I might be getting stuck on word choice vs genre here. "Soul-less" suggests supernatural to me, but suspense suggests that it'd be set in a world close to our reality. If there's a supernatural element to the story, then I'd say keep "soul-less," but if it just means she's dead, say she's dead.

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  11. Maybe...but I agree with some of the others. Don't need the soulless (no hyphen, btw). Dead's dead.

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  12. Hooked! Although you might cut 'emptied of vivacity.' And as others have said, soulless works if there's a supernatural bent to this, but if she's just dead, say dead.

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  13. Not hooked. I had the picture of an empty shell of a girl walking around and then wondered if you simply meant that she was dead. Don't be more complicated than necessary.

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  14. This almost hooked me -- the first sentence was a bit awkward.

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  15. Not hooked. Rewritten, the idea/content might hook me, but the writing didn't work for me here.

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  16. IF she's still alive, but soulless, I like this a lot. Dead and soulless are not the same thing. But if she's dead, then this is false suspense, which would irritate me when I discovered it. I don't mind emptied of vivacity - it reinforces soulless IF she's not dead. I'd read on.

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  17. This doesn't hook me, it feels too standard.

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