Pages

Thursday, February 23, 2012

First Line Grabber #4

TITLE: Bare
GENRE: YA - Contemp

My parents are ashamed of me.

53 comments:

  1. Yes
    Short and to the point and full of implication.

    ReplyDelete
  2. No. Cliche. Doesn't spark interest. It's telling.

    ReplyDelete
  3. No
    I'm sure lots of children think that, doesn't mean it's true. So this lacked uniqueness for me.

    ReplyDelete
  4. No.

    Not a very unique opening. Maybe more specificity about why the narrator feels that way might make it more grabby.

    ReplyDelete
  5. No. It sounds like a needy teen seeking attention in a whiny way.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Yes, it makes me what to find out why. But I'm going to need a why in the next few sentences, or I'm done.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Yes. I say yes because, while this is flat and I think an opening line needs a hook, however tiny, something intriguing to pull us in, I think given that this is YA, and most every kid has felt this way at one time or another, it would have a YA wanting to read more. But I think even the smallest bit more detail/character could help here.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Yes. Normally, kids are ashamed of their parents, so I'm interested to know why it's flipped here.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Yes, why does she think that of herself.

    ReplyDelete
  10. No. Sorry. In "hooked" type opening sentences, I need more than this. It's too generic by itself.

    ReplyDelete
  11. No. Too cliche, and unless your parents are as dumb as a box of rocks or you're Jesus Christ and perfect, whose parents haven't been ashamed of them? I think I need to know why this person is any different than an average teenager.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Yes. I want to know why, this would pull me in to read more. It's a pretty desolate thing for a kid to say.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Yes.

    This is something I feel everyone can connect with. We've all been afraid of shaming our parents at one point or another.

    This sentence immediately created conflict and interest. I want to know why her parents are ashamed, if they have a right to be ashamed. I want to know if I'm ashamed of her too. I want to compare her shame with some of mine.

    Good job.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Yes.

    It's unique, I can't say I've ever read a YA novel that started with anything close to this. It leaves me wondering why this person is ashamed.

    ReplyDelete
  15. No.

    On the first sentence alone it doesn't hook me, perhaps if I kept reading. Not unique enough.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Yes. I struggled with a yes or no on this one. On one hand, I'm intrigued as to why the parents are ashamed so I want to read more. But I think that it might need a little bit more to it.

    ReplyDelete
  17. No.

    It's too generic. This would be much stronger if you give one thing that shows their embarrassment like, "My parents always make me sit at a separate table in McDonalds." Not this obviously but this kind of idea.

    ReplyDelete
  18. No. There's nothing too punchy here, and I feel like I've seen this line before.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Yes. I feel like what comes next will be what explains this thought. If the next few sentences didn't pay out I would stop, but at this point I'd keep reading.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Yes. Generic? Possibly, but it pulls me in. I want to know why.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Yes. I'm on the fence here too, but I'd say that it grabs my interest. The next few sentences better be good, though.

    ReplyDelete
  22. No

    It feels too generic. Show us an action that illustrates the parents being ashamed.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Yes, but I'd want to know why in the next sentence.

    ReplyDelete
  24. No, it is not unique enough to really grab me. I am curious as to why they are ashamed, so I'd read on for a bit.

    ReplyDelete
  25. No. There's nothing special about it. It kind of just sits there; ordinary. Tell us WHY the parents are ashamed of your character, and THEN this will be a good first line.

    ReplyDelete
  26. No.
    It feels whiny. Give a little more reason - how does she know this?

    ReplyDelete
  27. No. It feels too harsh and abrupt for an opening line.

    ReplyDelete
  28. No.

    It's short and clear. I've got an immediate sense of the problem (kid fears parents don't approve). And those are both good things. This line, though, doesn't give me enough reason to read *your* story. I need some small tease in that line that bumps it up from "typical teenage angst."

    More information about why they're ashamed, how they show it, what it means for the MC, or anything else to make this particular story stand out would have pulled me in.

    ReplyDelete
  29. No. If a YA thought that, I think his/her comment would be much more dramatic than simply "ashamed of me." And, most YA are ashamed of their parents. Need a reason to care about your MC other than this cliche.

    ReplyDelete
  30. No. Sounds melodramatic and implies an unreliable MC.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Yes, but just barely. It's a little plain and I'd read the next sentence or two before really deciding.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Yes...
    But I'm on the fence. It creates a sense of of the speaker, but it also turns me off. I don't feel sympathy, even though I probably should. Instead, it comes across as whinny. However, I think that could change with the next couple sentences and I'd be willing to give it a shot.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Yes. I'd certainly give it another couple of sentences to get an idea of why.

    ReplyDelete
  34. No. There's the potential for conflict here, but I think the way the sentence is currently written, it's too general/cliched. Even the tiniest detail would spice it up and keep me reading though!

    ReplyDelete
  35. No. Sorry, but there just isn't enough to make me care.

    ReplyDelete
  36. No. There's not enough to hook me. It seems like most kids feel this way, and so it's not unique.

    ReplyDelete
  37. No. There just wasn't enough going on. Based off just this sentence, there's nothing interesting to draw me in. No action. You're telling me his/her parents are ashamed instead of showing me and making me see/understand/feel it for myself. Granted, you can't do all that in a single sentence. But the way this one sentence is written, it gives me the impression you don't really plan to.

    ReplyDelete
  38. No. Too general. For all I know, the mc has just been chided for something as inconsequential as saying the wrong thing in public.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Yes. For at least another line, so it's a pretty wishy washy yes. There are so many things this could relate to, that it makes it a pretty weak hook. But, I'm a sucker for seeing why someone got in trouble.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Yes. Although this is a but cliche, it raises the question: Why? That's something I want to know, and I hope you go on to tell me.
    ~Sarah F.

    ReplyDelete
  41. No-- it's a gut-wrenching feeling, and could be so much stronger with better wording.

    ReplyDelete
  42. No. It doesn't sound very original - I agree with AG above. Keep the feeling, but give it something more original.

    ReplyDelete
  43. No. It feels like lots of other openings and stories I've read before.

    ReplyDelete
  44. No, but I was on the fence. I would have read on if it had said "My parents believe I have shamed them".

    ReplyDelete
  45. Yes.
    The short sentence is quite powerful, and it immediately raises the question of "why". I want to read on and find out why the parents are ashamed.

    ReplyDelete
  46. No. Not enough said. Want to know why? something is missing.

    ReplyDelete
  47. No. Needs just a little something more, like "Ever since [whatever], my parents have been ashamed of me." Even just a hint.

    ReplyDelete
  48. No. A little bland and cliche. Show the protagonist in a situation where his/her parents are ashamed instead.

    ReplyDelete
  49. Yes; I agree it's cliche, but it wouldn't stop me from reading.

    ReplyDelete
  50. No. There are probably lots of parents who are ashamed of their kids. I'd need a more specific reason to read on.

    ReplyDelete
  51. Yes.

    The sentiment cut into me, and I immediately felt for the protagonist. It didn't come across as whiny or complaining to me because it's so direct, such a flat, bald statement. I want to read on and find out why he or she says that.

    Maybe I'm reading the wrong books, but I've never read one that started by expressing that idea.

    ReplyDelete