The doubling of 'ruin'throws me off. ...because she knew it's what I'd do to her life. Not sure. Or another word for ruin secondly would have changed my opinion.
Yes. I'd read on, but hopefully by the end of the paragraph I'd feel like the writing gets smoother. I agree that "Ruin" being used twice here makes it a bit clunky (especially since it's also the title). But I like the idea of that name for an MC, so I'd like to read more.
It's really close though. I think you need to get rid of the "when she found out she was pregnant" because it makes it sound like this is about her finding out she is pregnant when that is probably irrelevant. If you just said, "Mama said she named me Ruin because she knew I'd ruin her life" this would be MUCH stronger.
No. It went on a little too long. Short and sweet in this sentiment would work a lot better for me. I think if you took out "she found out she was pregnant" it would work.
No, but it's close. I think you can leave out a lot details here and still have them be implied. phrases like 'when she found out she was pregnant' slow the sentence down. Maybe something more like 'Mama named me Ruin because she knew what I'd do to her life'
No. Too long, needs to be tightened, and I'm not a fan of openings that begin by explaining names. Personal preference, but it always makes me think of Forrest Gump.
No. For me, the sentence sounds fine--it's not clunky. The fact that you use ruin twice is for effect so I'm with you there. I say no because the meaning behind the sentence seems trite to me. There are a lot of books in which someone is named something negative because their parents didn't want them. For instance, Six on the show Blossom was named Six because that's the number of beers it took her dad to drink to create her.
No. Would work better without using ruin in the sentence as well. Maybe tell us the predicament mom is in when she gets pregnant and then announce the name.
I think this sentence has too many ideas in it (five verb phrases) to make for an attention-grabbing line. Also, I think it tells too much. The "hook" is that her mother named her Ruin. Then you announce why that is. The only question we have left is how, and at this point, I'm assuming the usual.
I think something shorter and simpler will have more impact: "When I was born, Mama named me Ruin."
Yes. I think this gives a nice sense of your voice. I do think you could break it into two sentences to give it more punch, but it reminds me of how Neil Gaiman names characters.
No. It feels too melodramatic for me -- the speaker using "Mama" (implied affection rather than resentment) to refer to her mother, who named her child "Ruin."
No. It's so close though! I love the idea behind it, and think you're probably a small tweak away from nailing it. I think the repetition of the same word (ruin) within a single sentence is off-putting.
Yes. The voice is interesting. I'd at least read a little more to see if there was enough character development early on. If you made me care about Ruin quickly, I'd read the whole book.
No, the sentence is awkward. A stronger sentence could be: Mama named me Ruin. That smacks of "My name is Ishmael" but it is more to the point and attention grabbing. I do want to know who your MC deals with her name and the teasing she's bound to get and how that affects her relationship with her mom. So, while your sentence didn't grab me, the situation and unusual name of your MC did.
No. Too sad for me personally, but that's personal preference. On the technical side, it's too wordy. Is "when she found out she was pregnant" a salient point? Perhaps it is, but if it's not, then I'd ditch it. And "because she knew I'd ruin her life" seems unnecessary to explain.
Word choice of 'mama' bugs me - it's the sort of thing I associate with a very very young child. Trying to phrase this right, I think if that's the sort of attitude the narrator & her mother have, I don't think it's a story that would interest me.
Yes. The use of the word 'mama' made me think this was a girl who had grown up in the south. I immediately saw this bitter, chain-smoking, trailer-park mom calling her Ruin (in a southern accent) and I wanted to hear her story.
I agree that it could be cleaner - perhaps just another word for "ruin" instead of using it twice.
No. I agree that using 'Ruin' twice doesn't work. Something like, "My mother named me after the effect I would have on her life: Ruin' or something like that would be better.
Because I just can't believe it. I know there are bad parents in the world, but naming the child Ruin doesn't ring true to me. And I don't think I could read a whole book about a character named Ruin.
No
ReplyDeletewould have preferred "thought" to "knew". It sends up red flags that it might be a "whoa is me" narrator and that makes me stop.
No. It is almost there. Tighten it and add some voice.
ReplyDeleteYes
ReplyDeleteMakes me curious about the relationship of the mother and her child when it starts out so bad.
No.
ReplyDeleteIt's so close but the writing needs to be tightened a bit to give it the punch it needs.
No. Not yet, anyway. Sentence needs tightening up but the voice is there.
ReplyDeleteNo, in one sentence it strikes me as the type of book I wouldn't like.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteThe doubling of 'ruin'throws me off.
...because she knew it's what I'd do to her life. Not sure. Or another word for ruin secondly would have changed my opinion.
Yes. I'd read on, but hopefully by the end of the paragraph I'd feel like the writing gets smoother. I agree that "Ruin" being used twice here makes it a bit clunky (especially since it's also the title). But I like the idea of that name for an MC, so I'd like to read more.
ReplyDeleteYes but I think the sentence is too long.
ReplyDeleteNo. Sentence is too long and for me it gives to much away. I'd rather find out about their relationship through the story instead of being told.
ReplyDeleteNo. It's too drawn out and doesn't leave much tension for the rest of the story.
ReplyDeleteHowever, this could be an interesting logline when you get that far.
No, but it's sooo close. I think it can be tightened up and it would be a much stronger opening line. Great concept, just lost in too many words.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteIt's SO close. It definitely needs to be tightened. I don't even know if you need the last part of that sentence.
"When she found out she was pregnant, Mama decided to name me Ruin." or something along those lines.
With a name like "Ruin" I think readers can make that intuitive leap with you. You don't need to explain, at least not in the same sentence.
No. Agree this is close but the use of ruin twice in the first sentence doesnt work for me.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteIt's really close though. I think you need to get rid of the "when she found out she was pregnant" because it makes it sound like this is about her finding out she is pregnant when that is probably irrelevant. If you just said, "Mama said she named me Ruin because she knew I'd ruin her life" this would be MUCH stronger.
No. It went on a little too long. Short and sweet in this sentiment would work a lot better for me. I think if you took out "she found out she was pregnant" it would work.
ReplyDeleteNo. I was on the fence about it, though. I think there are some opportunities to simplify and punch this up a bit.
ReplyDeleteNo, but it's close. I think you can leave out a lot details here and still have them be implied. phrases like 'when she found out she was pregnant' slow the sentence down. Maybe something more like 'Mama named me Ruin because she knew what I'd do to her life'
ReplyDeleteNo. Too long, needs to be tightened, and I'm not a fan of openings that begin by explaining names. Personal preference, but it always makes me think of Forrest Gump.
ReplyDeleteNo. For me, the sentence sounds fine--it's not clunky. The fact that you use ruin twice is for effect so I'm with you there. I say no because the meaning behind the sentence seems trite to me. There are a lot of books in which someone is named something negative because their parents didn't want them. For instance, Six on the show Blossom was named Six because that's the number of beers it took her dad to drink to create her.
ReplyDeleteNo
ReplyDeleteI like the implication, but it needs immediacy. "I was named Ruin because Mama knew I'd ruin her life."
No. Would work better without using ruin in the sentence as well. Maybe tell us the predicament mom is in when she gets pregnant and then announce the name.
ReplyDeleteNo. Awkwardly worded, but I love the idea!
ReplyDeleteNo - you could definitely shorten the sentence as others have suggested and that would help. Is this apocalyptic?
ReplyDeleteYes. Because I'm hooked. But ouch! I wonder if there might be a gentler way to set this up before socking the reader with this information.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteI think this sentence has too many ideas in it (five verb phrases) to make for an attention-grabbing line. Also, I think it tells too much. The "hook" is that her mother named her Ruin. Then you announce why that is. The only question we have left is how, and at this point, I'm assuming the usual.
I think something shorter and simpler will have more impact: "When I was born, Mama named me Ruin."
Yes. This is sad, but also makes me want to know more of the MCs story - how did having to bear this awful name affect the MC?
ReplyDeleteNo. Love the concept, but the sentence is a bit clumsy.
ReplyDeleteYes- the voice alone draws me in, but to name a kid Ruin, I gotta read more.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteI think this gives a nice sense of your voice. I do think you could break it into two sentences to give it more punch, but it reminds me of how Neil Gaiman names characters.
No. It feels too melodramatic for me -- the speaker using "Mama" (implied affection rather than resentment) to refer to her mother, who named her child "Ruin."
ReplyDeleteYes. What a bummer of an opener...but I'm still intrigued. I'd read on one or two more sentences to see where you're going with this.
ReplyDeleteNo. It's so close though! I love the idea behind it, and think you're probably a small tweak away from nailing it. I think the repetition of the same word (ruin) within a single sentence is off-putting.
ReplyDeleteNo. It feels like it's trying to hard for me. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteNo. I'm not sure I would enjoy this story. Kind of harsh.
ReplyDeleteYes. The voice is interesting. I'd at least read a little more to see if there was enough character development early on. If you made me care about Ruin quickly, I'd read the whole book.
ReplyDeleteNo, the sentence is awkward. A stronger sentence could be: Mama named me Ruin. That smacks of "My name is Ishmael" but it is more to the point and attention grabbing. I do want to know who your MC deals with her name and the teasing she's bound to get and how that affects her relationship with her mom. So, while your sentence didn't grab me, the situation and unusual name of your MC did.
ReplyDeleteNo. Too sad for me personally, but that's personal preference. On the technical side, it's too wordy. Is "when she found out she was pregnant" a salient point? Perhaps it is, but if it's not, then I'd ditch it. And "because she knew I'd ruin her life" seems unnecessary to explain.
ReplyDeleteYes. I like the implications. But a bit of a mouthful. I think it can be made smoother.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the comment directly above-- YES for the concept and just tighten the wording.
ReplyDeleteNo. Wording is more important to me than the idea. I love the idea, though!
ReplyDeleteNo, but it's close. I love the concept, LOVE the character name, but it felt a bit too angsty for me.
ReplyDeleteYes! I immeidately want to know how Ruin's life went. I already despise the mother for blaming her child in that way, and want to cheer Ruin on.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteWord choice of 'mama' bugs me - it's the sort of thing I associate with a very very young child. Trying to phrase this right, I think if that's the sort of attitude the narrator & her mother have, I don't think it's a story that would interest me.
Narrow yes. The backstory intrigues me just enough to keep me reading.
ReplyDeleteNo. Too wordy. But I like the idea and where it could be headed.
ReplyDeleteNo. Good advice above on smoothing out the prose and possibly breaking into multiple sentences.
ReplyDeleteNo. "When she found out she was pregnant" isn't necessary. Also the voice comes off as a bit whiny.
ReplyDeleteNo. I agree with the others - too wordy.
ReplyDeleteNo. The sentiment is there, but should be tweaked a bit. I hope you can find a way to say this in a dynamic way.
ReplyDeleteYes. The use of the word 'mama' made me think this was a girl who had grown up in the south. I immediately saw this bitter, chain-smoking, trailer-park mom calling her Ruin (in a southern accent) and I wanted to hear her story.
ReplyDeleteI agree that it could be cleaner - perhaps just another word for "ruin" instead of using it twice.
No. I agree that using 'Ruin' twice doesn't work. Something like, "My mother named me after the effect I would have on her life: Ruin' or something like that would be better.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteBecause I just can't believe it. I know there are bad parents in the world, but naming the child Ruin doesn't ring true to me. And I don't think I could read a whole book about a character named Ruin.