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Wednesday, March 27, 2013

March Secret Agent #13

TITLE: ROMANCE ON THE HIGH SEAS
GENRE: YA Romantic Comedy

Parker Blake leaned against my locker as if he owned it. "So, Laurel, are you in?"

He smelled of pine trees and spoke in a deep voice that made me tingle.

While my fingers fumbled with the lock, my brain tried to remember the combination. "Am I in on what?"

"The spring break cruise."

I spun the dial on my lock and opened the door with a loud click-clunk. The cruise topped my To Do list.

I pictured myself lounging on the deck of a ship, salty mist soft on my face, sun warm on my back, and lilting voices in the distance.

My daydream faded. "No cruise for me. No cash." I slid my senior English book off the shelf and dumped it into my bag, along with my dreams.

"You refused to grovel? I don't blame you. That would make you look wimpy, which you're not, and not very bright, which you are."

"Thanks. Like that helps." I slammed my locker shut and started down the hall.

He stepped in beside me. "You can still go. I have a proposition for you."

Not again. "What kind of a proposition this time?"

He shoved a handful of blond hair out of his eyes. "Nothing hard. It's simple. I promise."

"Where have I heard that before?" I snarled and pretended my hands were paws with extra-sharp claws that I batted at him. "It better not be illegal."

He grinned and ducked away from my claw-paws. "Illegal? Nah. Immoral, maybe."

8 comments:

  1. Great dialogue. I'd love to get a better feel of their relationship--are they friends, acquaintances, dating? I love how you introduce the plot right away--I totally want to read the rest of this. Good luck!

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  2. I like this. The title and the quick, easy dialog fit the genre. I'm curious to find out what the immoral proposition is.

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  3. I'm hooked. It's great that you can communicate so much plot through the dialogue.

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  4. A YA Romantic Comedy? Already in love. And the bit was excellent. I'd definitely buy this :)

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  5. Like other have stated already, you have an excellent eye for dialogue. My only thought is it might be cool to see a little bit more internalization so I can get to know your MC. But that's a just personal preference!

    Good job and much luck!

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  6. I'm wondering how the beginning would be if you swapped Parker's dialogue line with him leaning on the locker. Then, the following paragraph could tack onto the first.

    I want to know the MC's name if it's possible to drop it in in the first page.

    I wanted some setting details, just little touches. They are talking about a cruise, so maybe this is an expensive prep school and she's a scholarship student? Are they juniors or seniors? Is this a yearly event? You could drop more of these hints into her thoughts.

    I get the sense that the MC may not like Parker? Does he generally annoy her? Or is he really a friend?

    Delete "claw-paws", we know why he ducks. In the previous paragraph, the description of pretending to have claws seems middle school. Teenage girls may use their nails on boys, but describe it in a more YA fashion.

    If you add little details of the setting, it will give some bulk to the short paragraphs.

    I like where this is going and I'm intrigued to find out what Parker is suggesting. I think that this story would appeal to teens, as well as me!

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  7. Actually, I'm hooked. I don't always think dialogue works in openings, but the rhythm here is working for me. I like the banter between them, and the conflict is set up in a natural way.

    I'd keep reading.

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  8. I liked this a lot. My only note is I don't think you need this sentence: "I spun the dial on my lock and opened the door with a loud click-clunk. The cruise topped my To Do list."

    You've already mentioned the lock and this doesn't add anything. Then you can move directly to:

    "I pictured myself lounging on the deck of a ship..."

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