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Thursday, June 27, 2013

First Sentence #45

TITLE: The New Eden Chronicles
GENRE: YA Speculative Fiction

Theresa’s a kicker--Mama and I struggle to keep her in the kitchen chair so the medics can find a vein and fill a vial with her blood.

45 comments:

  1. No - and it's a purely personal reason. I have a severe phobia of needles, and this would completely turn me off of reading further.

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  2. Yes.

    Violet - #29

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  3. No because the focus is on Theresa not really on the MC.

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  4. Yes. The scene is well visualized in one sentence.

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  5. Yes.

    Although it's not for me, it's well constructed.

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  6. Yes, I'm intrigued as why they need the blood.

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  7. This is great, plenty of questions and specifics. (I think I've seen this one before, though, and am wondering if it still devolves into a long list of the kids in the family...)

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  8. Yes. This leaves me with lots of questions.

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  9. Yes! Boy I want to know why, and even though the focus is sort of on Theresa, it still makes us want to know why the mc would participate.

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  10. Yes: but I'd clean up the sentence to make it more concise.

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  11. Yes. Even though the focus is on Theresa, I actually think we learn a lot about the MC in this sentence. "Theresa's a kicker" has good voice, and we know that the MC cares enough about her to risk bodily injury to help her. (Plus, I want to know why they're drawing Theresa's blood!)

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  12. Yes. Nice hook. How old is Theresa? why is she getting a blood draw? I especially want to know why this is happening in the kitchen.

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  13. No, but not because it isn't well-written. It gives character and a sense of voice, but I personally dislike present tense in general.

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  14. Yes, Obviously this is something the MC has had to do before. Why, and why the blood? I wan't to know.

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  15. Yes. I would read on to find out why they need her blood and why they are getting it at home instead of a doctor's office.

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  16. Yes to "Theresa’s a kicker" which feels to me like the actual first sentence. The rest feels more like it should be a separate sentence.

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  17. Yes, but I don't like that the focus isn't on the MC. I am however very curious about Theresa.

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  18. Yes. Lots of wonderful hooks all in one sentence. :)

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  19. Yes! This grabs me and now I need to know all the bits! Why? Who? Where? I like it!

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  20. Yes.

    I'm curious why blood is being drawn in the kitchen opposed to a doctor office or lab. It starts things off with a mystery.

    Random, but true. I like the detail of "Mama" instead of "Mom".

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  21. No, but it's hard to pin down why. I don't think it should be all one sentence. Maybe if it started "Mama and I..." and put the bit about THeresa being a kicker in later, it would have hooked me.

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  22. Yes! I like the voice in "Theresa's a kicker," and I have so many (good) questions about the rest of the sentence.

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  23. Yes. Intriguing, but perhaps end the sentence at "vein." Let us discover that they are going to fill it with her blood. The shorter version will be a better hook, imho.

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  24. Yes. I'm curious about what's happening here and want to know more.

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  25. Yes. The use of 'kicker' and 'Mama' in the sentence give me a feel for your MC's voice.

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  26. Yes - I love the description of Theresa through the MC's view point. And a great description of drawing blood. Makes me squeamish lol.

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  27. Yes - though I feel wary. Should I be?

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  28. Yes--This works enough that I would read on. The fragment of action is just enough to entice, just enough to give a glimpse, which really should be enough for an opening line. We expect so much!

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  29. No. This doesn't hint that this is outside the norm enough for me to be interested.

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  30. Yes
    I find it interesting and want to see where it's going.

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  31. Yes.
    I'd be tempted to put a colon after kicker and end it at vein but it is vivid and interest. Immediate character and conflict.

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  32. Yes, but barely. I'm not sure why you're starting with Theresa and not the MC, but I'd give it a paragraph or two.

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  33. Yes, but I agree with skywriter, maybe end with vein.

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  34. No. I'm skeptical of the writer's medical knowledge.

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  35. Yes. I also agree, however, that ending with the word "vein" will add more oomph.

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  36. Yes - but I would have stopped at vein. It seems overwritten when you include "and fill a vial with her blood". Doesn't leave me wondering whey they are wanting to find a vein

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  37. Yes, but I would agree that you should end after "vein."

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  38. Yes. I want to know where this is going.

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  39. Wow, yes! I'm hooked! :) Few things hurt me as much as needles, so I have a delightfully apprehensive prick in my arm, which is great! I'd change it to "We struggle to keep her in her chair" because it's a bit quicker, and we cand find out Mama is there in the next few sentences. But definitely hooked!

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  40. Yes--In that single sentence, you've created mood and voice, an image for the reader to envision, you've started the story, rather than making a statement, and it's also well written. Very nice all around!

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  41. Yes, but I'd suggest having the first sentence end after "kicker." If it did, I'd still say yes.

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  42. Maybe. Add in how old the MC is, it would make a difference if the MC was three or sixteen (or somewhere in between).

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  43. Yes, this grabbed me immediately. Also, I agree with the others who suggested ending with vein. However, I wondered if you talk about the blood because you wanted to clarify that they were simply trying to get a blood sample, not inject her with something.

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  44. Yes, definitely. For all the hooks and voice and insights and feel you've been able to squeeze into so few measly words!

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