TITLE: The New Eden Chronicles
GENRE: YA Speculative Fiction
Theresa’s a kicker--Mama and I struggle to keep her in the kitchen chair so the medics can find a vein and fill a vial with her blood.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Miss Snark's First Victim
No - and it's a purely personal reason. I have a severe phobia of needles, and this would completely turn me off of reading further.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteViolet - #29
No because the focus is on Theresa not really on the MC.
ReplyDeleteYes. The scene is well visualized in one sentence.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteAlthough it's not for me, it's well constructed.
Yes, I'm intrigued as why they need the blood.
ReplyDeleteThis is great, plenty of questions and specifics. (I think I've seen this one before, though, and am wondering if it still devolves into a long list of the kids in the family...)
ReplyDeleteYes. This leaves me with lots of questions.
ReplyDeleteYes! Boy I want to know why, and even though the focus is sort of on Theresa, it still makes us want to know why the mc would participate.
ReplyDeleteNo. It's personal.
ReplyDeleteYes: but I'd clean up the sentence to make it more concise.
ReplyDeleteYes. Even though the focus is on Theresa, I actually think we learn a lot about the MC in this sentence. "Theresa's a kicker" has good voice, and we know that the MC cares enough about her to risk bodily injury to help her. (Plus, I want to know why they're drawing Theresa's blood!)
ReplyDeleteYes. Nice hook. How old is Theresa? why is she getting a blood draw? I especially want to know why this is happening in the kitchen.
ReplyDeleteNo, but not because it isn't well-written. It gives character and a sense of voice, but I personally dislike present tense in general.
ReplyDeleteYes, Obviously this is something the MC has had to do before. Why, and why the blood? I wan't to know.
ReplyDeleteYes. I would read on to find out why they need her blood and why they are getting it at home instead of a doctor's office.
ReplyDeleteYes to "Theresa’s a kicker" which feels to me like the actual first sentence. The rest feels more like it should be a separate sentence.
ReplyDeleteYes, but I don't like that the focus isn't on the MC. I am however very curious about Theresa.
ReplyDeleteYes. Lots of wonderful hooks all in one sentence. :)
ReplyDeleteYes! This grabs me and now I need to know all the bits! Why? Who? Where? I like it!
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteI'm curious why blood is being drawn in the kitchen opposed to a doctor office or lab. It starts things off with a mystery.
Random, but true. I like the detail of "Mama" instead of "Mom".
No, but it's hard to pin down why. I don't think it should be all one sentence. Maybe if it started "Mama and I..." and put the bit about THeresa being a kicker in later, it would have hooked me.
ReplyDeleteYes! I like the voice in "Theresa's a kicker," and I have so many (good) questions about the rest of the sentence.
ReplyDeleteYes. Intriguing, but perhaps end the sentence at "vein." Let us discover that they are going to fill it with her blood. The shorter version will be a better hook, imho.
ReplyDeleteYes. I'm curious about what's happening here and want to know more.
ReplyDeleteYes. The use of 'kicker' and 'Mama' in the sentence give me a feel for your MC's voice.
ReplyDeleteYes - I love the description of Theresa through the MC's view point. And a great description of drawing blood. Makes me squeamish lol.
ReplyDeleteYes - though I feel wary. Should I be?
ReplyDeleteYes--This works enough that I would read on. The fragment of action is just enough to entice, just enough to give a glimpse, which really should be enough for an opening line. We expect so much!
ReplyDeleteNo. This doesn't hint that this is outside the norm enough for me to be interested.
ReplyDeleteYes
ReplyDeleteI find it interesting and want to see where it's going.
Yes.
ReplyDeleteI'd be tempted to put a colon after kicker and end it at vein but it is vivid and interest. Immediate character and conflict.
Yes, but barely. I'm not sure why you're starting with Theresa and not the MC, but I'd give it a paragraph or two.
ReplyDeleteYes, but I agree with skywriter, maybe end with vein.
ReplyDeleteNo. I'm skeptical of the writer's medical knowledge.
ReplyDeleteYes. I also agree, however, that ending with the word "vein" will add more oomph.
ReplyDeleteYes - but I would have stopped at vein. It seems overwritten when you include "and fill a vial with her blood". Doesn't leave me wondering whey they are wanting to find a vein
ReplyDeleteYes, but I would agree that you should end after "vein."
ReplyDeleteYes. I want to know where this is going.
ReplyDeleteWow, yes! I'm hooked! :) Few things hurt me as much as needles, so I have a delightfully apprehensive prick in my arm, which is great! I'd change it to "We struggle to keep her in her chair" because it's a bit quicker, and we cand find out Mama is there in the next few sentences. But definitely hooked!
ReplyDeleteYes--In that single sentence, you've created mood and voice, an image for the reader to envision, you've started the story, rather than making a statement, and it's also well written. Very nice all around!
ReplyDeleteYes, but I'd suggest having the first sentence end after "kicker." If it did, I'd still say yes.
ReplyDeleteMaybe. Add in how old the MC is, it would make a difference if the MC was three or sixteen (or somewhere in between).
ReplyDeleteYes, this grabbed me immediately. Also, I agree with the others who suggested ending with vein. However, I wondered if you talk about the blood because you wanted to clarify that they were simply trying to get a blood sample, not inject her with something.
ReplyDeleteYes, definitely. For all the hooks and voice and insights and feel you've been able to squeeze into so few measly words!
ReplyDelete