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Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Logline Critique Round Three #15

TITLE: WISHES? I THOUGHT YOU SAID WITCHES!
GENRE: MG Contemporary Fantasy

Thirteen-year-old Luke discovers his cell phone's voice-powered assistant can grant wishes. But with autocorrect, even a simple wish can have catastrophic consequences. De-bugging his phone becomes disastrous. Getting rid of monsters, even worse.

8 comments:

  1. Nice- sounds like a fun read. I know you're trying to get around using the actual name of the 'voice-powered assistant', but can you find a different name than that? It made me stumble in an other wise tight pitch.

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  2. This sounds cute. I'd just love to see an example of how the autocorrect goes wrong, maybe in place of "debugging his phone becomes disastrous," because I don't really know what that means.

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  3. I've seen yours up a bunch of places and I've loved it everywhere in all its incarnations. I'd almost like a bit more at the end. Some stakes. Like, Getting rid of monsters before they destroy his town, even worse.

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  4. Thank you all so much for the feedback. I'll try to give this a little more during the Baker's Dozen. Thanks for all the help.

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  5. I really like this. However, I think But with autocorrect... should still be part of the first sentence. De-bugging...doesn't really tell me anything. You could leave it out and I wouldn't miss it. I'd like that last sentence to give me a better understanding of the stakes.

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  6. De-bugging doesn't tell me much; you may want to change that. Otherwise, great.

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  7. To everyone that isn't crazy about debugging it looks a lot better with the - and italics. I will need to rewrite it because they literally de-BUG this phone when all the creepy crawlies come racing out of it. Thanks for the feedback!

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  8. You need to start this like, "When...discovers..." and then give us Luke's goal. Then tell us what goes wrong and what he needs to do to fix it/reach his goal.

    I don't have a problem with the debugging as long as it is presented as an obstacle to his goal.

    Holly

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