Pages

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

First Line Grabber #11

TITLE: The Silver Sphere
GENRE: MG Fantasy

Their foster parents would worry if Cecilia and Maya didn’t return home soon.

31 comments:

  1. Yes. I'm wondering what the girls are doing when it sounds like they are supposed to be at home.

    ReplyDelete
  2. No. This sounds like many other stories out there and from this, I don't know how yours is different.

    ReplyDelete
  3. No - the grammar is awkward, with the names placed after the pronoun. We should know who's referenced by "Their" before a pronoun is used.

    ReplyDelete
  4. No. I'd rather know where they are/what they're doing than the fact that their foster parents might worry in the future.

    ReplyDelete
  5. No. That's a "no duh" sentence and gives no sense of anything interesting other than late teenagers.

    ReplyDelete
  6. No. It would be more interesting if you showed us what they were up to instead.

    ReplyDelete
  7. No. The wording is awkward, and the voice is very distant.

    ReplyDelete
  8. No.

    It just do anthing for me. And also it feels a little clunky

    ReplyDelete
  9. No. I felt too removed to care about the characters.

    ReplyDelete
  10. No. There's nothing original in the line. Rather than focusing on an outside character's (foster parents) worry, try focusing on the POV character's anxiety about being out too long. That will draw your reader in faster.

    ReplyDelete
  11. No.
    It's awkward and I'm confused about POV.

    ReplyDelete
  12. No
    -because it's seems like a tug at your heartstrings move to make them foster kids in the first line and I'd rather know what they're up to

    ReplyDelete
  13. No.
    This feels too distant from the two girls.

    ReplyDelete
  14. No - There's just not enough there to grab me and it's worded awkwardly.

    ReplyDelete
  15. No. We don't have any scene, only two characters we don't yet care anything about.

    ReplyDelete
  16. No. Pre-teens being late is a normal happenstance and doesn't entice me to read on.

    ReplyDelete
  17. No- I want to be with the girls not in limbo somewhere.

    ReplyDelete
  18. No.
    I was on the fence on this one. I think if we are going to open the story here, I’d rather see Mom and Dad pacing, and hand wringing over the lateness of Cecilia and Maya - great names for your characters. If we want to start with the two girls, show them racing home.

    ReplyDelete
  19. No. Nothing here to give me any sense of character or situation.

    ReplyDelete
  20. No - I don't know enough about these characters to care if parents are worried.

    ReplyDelete
  21. No. What bothers me about this line, is we don't know who is thinking it. Consider opening with what the girls are doing/seeing at the moment the story opens. Then move to the line about the foster parents. That order would help orient the reader as to where the girls are, and if the reader should also be worried about them.

    ReplyDelete
  22. No. I don't know what's unique about this story. It could be anybody.

    ReplyDelete
  23. No. This feels rather distant to me. It also doesn't show us anything distinctive about the situation or the girls, other than their being foster children, and that in itself isn't enough to create interest.

    ReplyDelete
  24. No.

    If you use 'their' in the beginning, you can't say 'Cecelia and Maya.' You have to say 'they.' My thought is that there's probably a lot of this type of thing throughout.

    Try - If Cecelia and Maya didn't return home soon, their foster parents would worry. But even written this way, it's not a great opening line. WHat are Cecilia and Maya doing? WHere are they? Why are they late? The answers to any of those questions would probably be a better place to start.

    ReplyDelete
  25. No. Perhaps if the sentence was flipped to start with the girls' names, however the line itself isn't engaging. If there were a specific detail so we knew why they might worry, that would be far more interesting.

    ReplyDelete
  26. No. It's confusing. 'Their parents' conflicts 'Cecilia and Maya'.

    ReplyDelete
  27. No. It's awkward and gives no sense of character/mood/voice/etc.

    ReplyDelete
  28. No. It's a pretty generic scene - not enough informaton.

    ReplyDelete