Pages

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Secret Agent #7

TITLE: Shear Luck
GENRE: Adult Romance

   The mussed section of the gentleman’s careful comb-over is positively heartbreaking. Only a churl could refuse assistance. I use a subtle hand signal to indicate the problem. He gets it. Hair is smoothed; crisis averted.

    His cane is jutting out in the aisle and hits my sandal. The cane slides to the floor.

    “Allow me.” I retrieve it, then place his rolling suitcase in the overhead bin for good measure. 

    “Thank you, erm, miss.” His squint seems mistrustful, although I use the utmost care.

    I hope I didn’t insult his manhood. He must be as old as my Grandpa Kimball. It’s only right for the able-bodied to lend a hand. “You’re welcome.”

    On the way to my seat, I stow luggage for an over-processed permanent wave, a shaggy mullet, and a bowl cut. Is this flight going to Florida or 1982?

    The thanks I receive may be lukewarm, but the universe repays me by placing the most gorgeous hair I have ever seen outside Fresno’s Sixth Annual Wig Convention in my row. A luscious black curtain that falls to his waist. Now that’s what I call serendipity.

    Might he be headed to the HairStravaganza too? I never tire of talking shop, but it’ll have to wait until I resolve the more pressing matter of my missing business partner.

6 comments:

  1. I'm prefacing this by saying I don't read romance often, and I'm not keen on present tense, but I love this. I adore that the MC thinks in hair. And the last paragraph was just as fun.

    My only nit would be "The thanks I receive may be lukewarm" was too removed from the comb-over, so maybe it should be 'received'.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Clever title. I agree with HR Sinclair that the MC thinking of people in terms of hair is different and fun and certainly puts a smile on my face as I'm reading.

    I love the opening para re the comb-over, but the next para "His cane is jutting out in the aisle and hits my sandal. The cane slides to the floor." doesn't work for me after such a great opening. Too meh. I love how she's helping everyone stow away their luggage (you could hint at more of a knock-on effect there), and I think you should focus on that and dump the cane part.

    Excellent description - "On the way to my seat, I stow luggage for an over-processed permanent wave, a shaggy mullet, and a bowl cut."

    But "Might he be headed to the ..." sounds too clunky and formal.

    My interest is stirred by the missing business partner, and I would love to read more of the story.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I found the story interesting, and the first two lines are sharp, but I did have to re-read them to understand.

    I loved this part:
    On the way to my seat, I stow luggage for an over-processed permanent wave, a shaggy mullet, and a bowl cut. Is this flight going to Florida or 1982?

    Lines like that show me who the character is. You're showing, not telling. I like that. Do more of that! Also, keep her voice, I like it.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Love the title and the voice! Very fitting. The last line has me hooked. I loved the 1982 question. The might he be doesn't fit with your tone, but that's my only nit pick.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Right away I'm not sure what you mean by "mussed section" - clearly it's his hair, but something about it made me think of the section of a department store or pharmacy. Also, if his hair is in a "careful comb-over" - how can it also be mussed?

    I'm also confused by "only a churl could refuse assistance" - assistance from whom? And why did you choose the word churl?

    I'm confused already and I'm only on the second line. Perhaps re-consider some of the word choices here? I'm also confused as to why the main character cares? "Crisis averted" - what would have been the potential crisis?

    By the third line I realize we are on a plan and the main character might be a stewardess, except she's wearing sandals, and I thought she was a hairdresser from the first paragraph.

    Then the main character continues to stow more luggage, so I still think she might be a stewardess, but by the end of this sample it seems like she isn't. By the time I get to the end though, I am intrigued to see what the "HairStravaganza" might be! So I'd likely read on.

    Thanks for entering!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I love how quirky the MC seems, especially in regards to hair. I started to feel lost on the "The thanks I receive may be lukewarm" sentence. I almost feel like it could be fine just by jumping right into "But the universe places the most gorgeous hair I have ever seen outside Fresno’s Sixth Annual Wig Convention in my row." (Or something along those lines.)
    ~SAT

    ReplyDelete