There was a loud pounding on the door. Abigail sat straight up as she pushed the paper back from the letter she was writing. Her body was covered in a cold sweat. Now what had she done? She tried to search her brain to remember what travesty she had committed the day before. Ticking each off finger by finger she went through the list of rules, she hadn't spoken to anyone other than the servants, she hadn't ridden her horse without permission, and she hadn't gone anywhere near his library.
Abigail pulled the sheet up as far as she could as she watched the doorknob begin to turn. No, she couldn't stay under there for long he would pull her out and proceed to make her plead for release from his hands. Every day she said to herself she wouldn't plead. Not this time, this time she would allow him to kill her. But every day she would begin to plead when she heard the crunching of her wrist.
She uncovered and stood before he could enter. It was always easier if she didn't try to hide from it. As he walked toward her she could see his eyes angrier than usual. "Did you honestly believe you could get away with it?"
"What?" She knew it made him even angrier when she asked, but if he would just be able to tell her once what she had done to anger him maybe she could cope with his actions better.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'm on the fence again--but I'll say YES even with some reservations.
ReplyDeleteA few technical difficulties, shall we say, (a bit of run-ons) distracted me and the vagueness about what the man does is annoying to some degree.
However, I like the immediate conflict and tension and the promise of psychological drama. I also like being dropped into the middle of the scene.
Good luck.
~Merc
Yes. I get the feeling there is something very creepy going on and I would keep reading to find out more.
ReplyDeleteYes. I like the beginning. The second paragraph uses "plead" a lot, which is a little distracting. Lots of suspense. I would read more.
ReplyDeleteNo. This is so hard because I like where you're going with this, but because of the loose writing style, I wouldn't read on. Therefore, because of that I have to say I'm not hooked. You need line edits badly, but the subject and plot direction is terrific! Keep going!
ReplyDeleteA lot of echos, if this were a little tighter I might not get distracted. I'd say No right now, tighten it up and I'll give you a Yes.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Merc--I think this has potential with some tightening and a bit more clarity about the situation. I found the opening a bit clumsy--pushing paper back from a letter being written suggests to me that she's in an office of some sort, but her actions are panicked, like she's just awoken. The two imaged clashed and in the begining of a book, we need setting clarity.
ReplyDeleteInteresting psychological angle, and how she obviously can ask for help, but doesn't. Makes me wonder why she chooses to be enslaved.
This is another maybe for me. The situation is a bit creepy, which I like, and I'd like to know more, but the writing could be tighter. Also, the first para felt a little too telling, with her ticking off the different rules. It felt like information given for the reader's benefit--information that Abigail wouldn't have stated so baldly, since it's stuff she already knows.
ReplyDeleteYou have definitely made me curious to know more! Though if the story turns out to be too "creepy" I know it won't be for me.
ReplyDeleteA little tightening up will make the tension crackle.
Needs copyediting but I would definitely read more if I had it!
ReplyDeleteDefinitely a yes from me :) But then I'm guilty of what people have commented on here - so I don't tend to see it.
ReplyDeleteYuna