"What time did you get home?" Owen questions.
"About 10.00 p.m. You were sleeping and I didn't have the heart to wake you. I'm surprise you didn't hear the dogs bark. Poor things thought they weren't going to eat. What did you have for supper, anything good?"
"Subway." Owen says still half asleep. "Are we doing anything tonight?"
"Nothing as far as I know. Why, you want to take me out on date? " I say hoping for a miracle.
"No. I'm going to go look at a new truck." Owen's eyes avoid me.
"You didn't tell me, you were getting a new truck."
"I'm telling you now."
"Your truck is only a year old. Why do you need a new truck?"
"Because I don't want my truck to break down when I plow snow this winter."
"Weren't we were going to trade in the car? It's eight years old."
"You'll get a new car later."
"Yeah, it's always later for me. You come first in everything. When are you going to put me first? It would be nice for that to happen. Last year, you said you would get a new car for me after Christmas, and Christmas was nine months ago."
"Stop bitching! You get everything you want." Owen's anger shows in his cold, piercing blue eyes.
"No, I won't stop! Tell me, what it is that I get? We have a broken refrigerator, doors with holes in them, and a washer and dryer I picked up from freecycle. Yeah look at me, a real spoiled brat!"
Miss Snark's First Victim
Does the dialogue propel the action forward? If not, why not?
ReplyDeleteIt didn't for me, sorry. I don't see any action other than the back and forth of words over a truck and a car. More tags and beats would have helped up the tension.
Do the tags/beats/internal monologues/short narrations work? If not, why not?
Not enough. And missing commas made me stop reading to mentally put them where they belong. Also, the characters sound the same so without tags, I got lost as to who was speaking.
And are you drawn into the story? Do you want to read more? If not, why not?
No, because it's unclear what's going on other than a trivial argument over a truck and a car. That's not interesting to me.
I pretty much just have to say "ditto" to all Karen's comments. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteOh, and if I see "piercing [color] eyes" any more I'm going to shoot something. :P You can do better, I'm sure of it. What makes them "piercing" (I seriously picture pointed eyeballs)?
Overall it didn't work for me, sorry.
~Merc
I think I agree, there really isn't any action here to move.
ReplyDeleteThis pretty clearly establishes a long, declining relationship of some kind. I don't like Owen, but I don't really like the POV character, either. Why was He/She out till 10? doing something nice for Owen, who of course didn't even notice?
This passage needs a little more than two tired people ragging on each other.
While I'm not apt to rip out the firearms for 'piercing blue eyes', I did find them a bit of a shortcut.
ReplyDeleteThe dialog is smooth and flows well of the tongue, that's great stuff. There is certainly some tension and character development too.
I do have to agree, though, that this doesn't answer the exercise in that there is no progression or action provided through the dialog.
Thanks for posting!
I sent this dialouge in late at night, but a couple days before the deadline. The next morning I realised that this a "action" dialouge, but more character revealing.
ReplyDeleteI must confess that I was in a hurry to get a piece in, since I missed an earlier one. Big mistake on my part.
Trish was not out doing something nice for Owen. She was avoiding Owen.. which is why she came home late.
Thank you for your comments and for taking time to read this.
I sent this dialouge in late at night, but a couple days before the deadline. The next morning I realised that this was not an "action" dialouge, but more character revealing.
ReplyDeleteI must confess that I was in a hurry to get a piece in, since I missed an earlier one. Big mistake on my part.
Trish was not out doing something nice for Owen. She was avoiding Owen.. which is why she came home late.
Thank you for your comments and for taking time to read this.