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Thursday, July 17, 2008

#25 SECRET AGENT Are You Hooked?

TITLE: Jeep Muldoon and the Mystery of Merlin’s Magic
GENRE: Middle Grade Fiction


Chapter One: I Do Not Have X-Ray Vision!


I do not have x-ray vision! I want to make that clear right up front.


You see, the reason I say I don't have x-ray vision is because I told my girlfriend, Pinky Dalrymple, about my gift and about how I find lost things like money and jewelry and stuff. Somehow Pinky got it in her mind, that since I can locate stuff buried in the ground, or behind walls, then I must have x-ray vision. She decided that every time I looked at her, I was looking right through her clothes and seeing her naked.


That's why Pinky is now my ex-girlfriend. And, not only did she break up with me – she told every girl in the 7th grade that I am a perv. So, I just want to say up front that I do not have x-ray vision. And I am not a Perv! I just find things. That's all. And, everybody finds things.

I just find things better than anyone else.

29 comments:

  1. This one has a great voice, which kept me reading. Yes, it starts by explaining back story, but I think the reason why it keeps working for me is that last bit--I just find things. I assume that the very next thing that happens is that we get dumped into the action of him actually finding something significant. A nice setup so far!

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  2. Very interesting, would definatley keep reading. My only thought is whether or not 7th graders use the word perv (or pervert). But like Olmue said, great voice!

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  3. Yes, I'd read more. For the voice. The odd character names put the reader in the mindset that this story won't take place in the 'normal' world.

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  4. Cute--I love the title and the chapter title. "Pinky" reminds me of something out of Grease and makes me wonder what your setting is, but I'd totally keep reading. Nice job!

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  5. It's been a long time since I read a MG, but this has me hooked. Already we have complications over the special ability, and sympathy for the main character. It is backstory, but the voice pulls it off - introducing himself, making sure no one misunderstands him, etc. And the last line implies more plot upcoming.

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  6. I thought it got off to a great start. The voice is strong, and it's funny, as well. I got the idea of what some main aspects of the story were going to be right away and I was intrigued. I'd keep reading.

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  7. Yes, the voice is funny, and although its a male main character, I find myself wanting to find out his story.

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  8. Definitely a yes. I like it.

    In fact, I wish you had gotten closer to the 250 word count as opposed to selling this eighty-some-odd words short because I so want to read more.

    The names are definitely weird though, but it may go with the setting. This kinda reminded me of what could be a Jumper sort of takeoff. And I mean that in the best possible way.

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  9. I'm intrigued enough to keep reading. I now want to know how he finds things better than anyone else.

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  10. You have a good voice, I like this. I think I'd keep reading.

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  11. I liked this. I would have read on. And I would have recommended it to my grandchildren as well.

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  12. Yes. I like this, it's very interesting. You seem to have a great voice for middle grade fiction!

    Emily H

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  13. Yes, I like it and would read on. I enjoy the voice and the humor is spot on.

    The only thing is the chapter title and the first line end up repetitive of each other--I would change the chapter title, actually, so the first line has more impact.

    Good luck!

    ~Merc

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  14. Yes, definitely. Great voice and great style. It gets right to the point with humor. It provides instant sympathy for the mc. I would definitely read more.

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  15. I think you could cut the "You see...because" in para 2 and just launch into "I told my girlfriend..."

    YMMV (as evidenced by commenters above!), but this didn't feel immediately like a 7th grade boy to me--guessing this is a matter of my taste in "boy books." But I love the "everybody finds things...I just find things better" so I would want to keep going, because I'd like to see the voice develop.

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  16. Yes. Great MC voice and interesting hook. Loved the last line, too. But ditto on the age thing. I would have placed him around 4th/5th grade from the way he spoke and structured his thoughts, not 7th.

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  17. While I like the last line and think it makes a neat hook, I feel like the overall piece needs some tightening. I also envisioned the protagonist as a couple years younger than seventh grade. Not enough here to keep me reading, but the humor in it works well.

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  18. Good opening line. I'd reconsider naming chapters as I once heard an editor complain that "Then she had to go through each chapter and make sure the title is pertinent." Good humor. Hooked enough to keep reading.

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  19. This has a great energy and voice. We're in the characters head right from the beginning. I'm hooked.

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  20. This a yes for me. The whole X-ray vision thing intriques me and I'm wondering what exactly he's going to find in the future pages.

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  21. Yes, I would keep reading this. I enjoyed the humor, and the voice. Great job!

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  22. Oo, yes! Great voice, humourous, well done.

    Agree with Merc about changing the chapter title.

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  23. Yes, yes and yes! You had me smiling the whole time, and I loved the first line. Very clever wording. I would turn the page.

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  24. Another yummy mid-grade with a strong character voice. I'm totally on board.

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  25. Hooked.

    Very good, strong voice. Clever, to-the-point writing.

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  26. Excellent! I'd love to read more.
    Like the opening line, like how a whole scene is made vivid in a few short lines (the whole stuff with the ex-girlfriend, ending with perv).
    Very nice.

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  27. No, I'm sorry...

    It just seems like there is a lot of talk here.

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  28. Hooked? I guess so.

    I agree with the comments on backstory. To me if you started with the scene where the boy and his ex-girlfriend are doing what is described, that it would be much more lively.

    That way you be able to introduce both characters with their actions and words rather than a brief tell.

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  29. I'm hooked with a caveat. I love the voice and your last sentence is awesome. But I wished you showed me the scenes and circumstances described here instead of telling me about them.

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