Genre: mainstream short story
I wanted to love you, please believe that.
I’m sorry.
He read the words twice, stumbling over their simplicity, their hidden meaning. Written in the handwriting he had grown to love -- large and loopy, in her favorite purple sparkling ink. However, gone were the heart-shaped dots over the Is, the light airy flow from one letter to the next. Instead, the marks were full of pain, as evidenced by the deep grooves in the paper where she had pressed down as hard as she could.
His hands cradled his head, for fear it might explode or fall off. Tears burned his eyes as he realized the intent of the note.
Her recent silence had clued him in, but too late. The bubbly personality he bragged about had been replaced by a shadow of her former self, for how long now? He had ignored it, wanting to believe she would get better – not dreaming she would get worse. The brevity of her note made him cry harder, because this was the most she had said to him in almost a week. Ten words, so neatly engraved on a single sheet of white college-rule paper. No signature, no date – just ten words; ten painful, truthful words.
Why couldn’t she have been this honest before? He had held her hand, cuddled close to her warm body many times, begging her to share her thoughts and feelings. She had refused, sometimes crying, other times remaining silent.
The premise is good but the writing seems heavy-handed. "However" "as evidenced by"
ReplyDeleteI think this could be very very good with some quick editing.
Yes, I'm hooked. Good visual detail and I want to know the back story and what lies ahead. vaw
ReplyDeleteThis feels overwritten to me. There's a lot of inward-eye stuff here that isn't immediately engaging or distinctive (on an emotional level--purple ink is specific but not illustrative). I want to see more about who this human is. He's sad, yes, but how does this change him, how does he react? What are the stakes?
ReplyDeleteNo, I'm sorry. I admit I'm not fond of literary/mainstream in general, but I found this too heavy-handed and over-written and nothing about it grabbed me.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I have a pet peeve about unnamed third person narrators ;) (although if it's consistent through all of a short, I can tolerate it) so that didn't help.
Good luck.
~Merc
Definitely yes.
ReplyDeleteThis isn't my genre, but I could feel the emotion lifting off the page as I read it. Well done!
Too emotionally over the top before I get to know the MC for me. Sorry, this one is a no.
ReplyDeleteYes! It's not at all my genre, and I probably wouldn't have picked up the book in the fist place, but having read the first 250 words I'd have to say this hooks.
ReplyDeleteIt was the wonderful way in which you described how she used to write her words and then contrast it with the situation now.
Well done!
You could make this far more moving by not trying to put in so much emotion. Show how he feels by what he does and how he reacts rather than letting us know so much of his inner thoughts, and you'll have a far more moved audience. For example, don't tell us he loves her handwriting. Have his stroke the letters and feel the groove in the paper.
ReplyDeleteOften, with emotion, less is more.
I would definitely read on. It's not in my ordinary genre but I thought the emotion really communicated. I have to say I liked the detail about the handwriting - for me, those are the kind of details that say these were two people that were really close. I personally don't like love stories about people who hardly knew each other so, for me, if it was less detailed I would have probably not have liked it as much. I know that it disagrees with what other people have said but that's me.
ReplyDeleteNo, I'm sorry, I'm not hooked. It's probably becuase I don't read this genre.
ReplyDeleteI did feel his emotion, though, so well done with that. Just a quick comment though- to me it kind of feels like she's committed suicide (which is another reason I wouldn't read on) so if she's just left him, you might want to re-examine this part.
Emily H
No.
ReplyDelete"for fear it might explode or fall off"
Bits like this felt overwritten--hyperbole.
"Why couldn’t she have been this honest before?" this is great, though, and more like this would sell me on our POV char :)
Emotion is forced, not felt. Too heavy...
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteI didn't notice the lack of a name for the narrator, but that usually throws me off. I can sympathize with the character, especially because it's a short story, but I don't think many people want to be thrown headlong into that abysmal point of view.
No, I'm afraid not.
ReplyDeleteI loved the opening lines, but when the protagonist starts deconstructing all the nuances of the letter, you lose me. Each paragraph grows more and more melodramatic, but there is nothing to make me feel bad for him or share in his sorrow. I have no idea where the plot goes from here, but the splitting of a couple isn't enough to keep me reading.
Ooh! Tough. I'd have to say "no", though. Like someone else said, make us care about the character. I feel sorry for him, but it almost feels like you're trying too hard to make me feel sorry. Also, so much time spent wallowing in the past makes me think the rest of the story is going to be like this. And that thought discourages me from committing to read the rest.
ReplyDeleteSorry :(
Afraid it's a No.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the being heavy-handed comments, and would also like to add that some physcially-grounding details could have helped. Such as knowing if she left him, cheated on him, committed suicide, etc. It would ground your readers a bit to know what happened, and then be able to empathize with your MC more.
Also, rather than Telling us he's sad, Show us. Is he physically crying, feels nausous, is pacing, breaks something, looks at her pictures, etc. Gestures say a lot about a character's state of mind-- more than their words and thoughts do sometimes.
Yes, you hooked me. I want to know what's next.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I do agree with the show-don't-tell comments above. Things like telling us he loved her handwriting could be easily shown instead of told.
It was a bit thick for me, but it's not my genre, so perhaps the writing style would be more catchy for someone who enjoys this genre.
ReplyDeleteMostly, nothing stands out about the POV character to make me interested in him. I'm mildly interested in knowing if the girl killed herself and why, but the POV guy seems a bit bland.
Doesn't do it for me. The voice isn't distinctive enough to carry the obvious issue here. The girl has killed herself. I think if there were more specifics about these two characters, their quirks and their actual history, rather than the physical characteristics of the note itself, I'd have been hooked. But there's no mystery. He's sad. She's dead. What more do I need to know?
ReplyDeleteIt didn't hook me...
ReplyDeleteThere was a lot of telling. Like, "this happened, then this happened, then this..." and not even showing.
I think it would be better if you rewrote so that the writing is a lot more lighter. Right now it's a heavy read.
I'm saying yes, but I'm pretty sure I've read the complete story ages back and know where it's going.
ReplyDeleteIn which case, looking at the general trend of comments here, the opening may need work hook-wise so that people will continue to read what's otherwise a fab story ;)
No.
ReplyDeleteHeavy handed "feel my pain" intros don't work for me unless I already know the characters.
Also things like "favorite purple sparkling ink" (I can't think of a adult human being on earth who would write with glitter, at least not one I wouldn't hate immediately)...it just feels unnatural.
And "...their simplicity, their hidden meaning," why do you need to tell us this?
Your second two paragraphs are all exposition, which hurt the immersion, and slow the pace down.
IMO, keep the first two lines. Get rid of the rest. Focus on the MC's body language and physical sensations. Let the reader fill in the blanks. We don't need to know the "how's" and "why's" at the beginning.
Show his grief, don't tell it.
Yes.
ReplyDeleteYour words conjure strong emotions and compel me to continue reading.
Cautiously hooked.
ReplyDeleteI want to know what happened to the woman he loved (did she leave or die?)
But these lines:
"Ten words, so neatly engraved on a single sheet of white college-rule paper. No signature, no date – just ten words; ten painful, truthful words."
...were a little grating. He's repeating himself with 'ten words'.
If there are to be more of these emotional scenes, I'd prefer that they be more concise; using words that are powerful enough on their own without having to repeat them with modifiying adjectives.
Otherwise, since this guy really loves the woman, I want to know what's happened.
I liked it. If this were a novel I'm not sure I'd be able to handle it, since it would probably be depressing, but a short story I would definitely keep reading. I'm not sure why, though... which is now aggravating me to no end. I think I like the attention to the little details of the note -- the purple ink, etc. And I'd add a smilie to the end of this comment, since I liked the opening, but that wouldn't make sense since it's sad. :(
ReplyDeleteAuthor here!
ReplyDeleteAll your comments are amazingly helpful, though I must admit I really do like this story, heaviness and all. It will be difficult to re-write some of the lines I love, but I'll give it a shot. Especially since it seems I wouldn't have many readers based on this intro.
Yes, this is a heavy, depressing story (it's a short, btw), but for some reason, it felt better this way than in a lighter tone. Suicide is not a light subject. ::shrugs::
Anyhow, thanks to everyone and I hope I get more comments so I can make this work!!
No.
ReplyDeleteI just need to know more sooner. Too much mystery...Who is this person to the boy? I kept thinking it was his Mom--but the handwriting description threw me off.
Hooked? Maybe.
ReplyDeleteThere is a disconnect with the two people in the piece. Who is "He" and who is "Her"?
Joe-Boy read the words twice...
... large and loopy in Penelope's favorite purple...
I agree with the comments on its heaviness.
I would probably read on to the end of the chapter, then decide if I wanted more.
It does raise some questions:
1) does he kill himself over this?
2) is he a hopeless loser?
3) is she unattainable?
So there is a little curiosity as to what is coming up.
I would read on, I want to know more about what happened between the two of them. I thought you portrayed his emotions well.
ReplyDeleteSorry no.
ReplyDeleteAs a short story opening, I'd like to engage more fully with what's at stake here.
I think you spend too much time on his personal regret, and could intersperse with more history of why this is important.
I like the details of the missing heart-shaped dots and "pressed down as hard as she could".
That fourth paragraph could be cut right back IMO. It is overwritten and belabors the point. In a short story, every word must count, so cut back.
Good luck with this.
Hmm... this looks familiar to me. I believe I saw this opener elsewhere (CC?) and it made me click in and read the story. So - yes<:
ReplyDelete