TITLE: Beasts of the Field
GENRE: Transgressional Fiction
It's a unicorn.
I've seen It before of course, not that it matters. I stand in the doorway, tingling all over, watching as It eats slowly and with purpose, eyes focused only on Its food and pretending It hasn't noticed me.
No one else even looks in Its direction; the weary looking mother with her frustrated child, the man reading the gossip columns about some personality's history of drug addiction, the old man seated alone at a table staring endlessly into nowhere at all; all of them pay It no attention whatsoever. Everyone mills about It as if It is just another person on a lunch break from the nine to five trudge, blending into the background of polyester and plastic shopping bags that make up everybody else on a Tuesday afternoon. This is because, for appearance's sake, this is exactly what It is. Nor does It pay any attention to them, for they are of no interest to It.
I watch Him, though by no means necessarily male in truth, raise the hamburger to His mouth and take a fourteenth bite, as slow and purposeful as the last thirteen. Then, for only a moment, the Unicorn raises His eyes from the table to my own before looking back down. This is the signal. I can now approach. As I walk slowly towards His table, the back of my neck alive and burning with His presence, I hear His voice boom like a torrent of water crashing into my mind.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Humm. Transgressional fiction?
ReplyDeleteOddly, this worked for me though in a way I didn't like it, not It, but it the selection. The writing is very stiff. But the mythic presence and Its devotee coming together in the midst of the completely mundane is nice. And an unicorn munching a hamburger was such a startling image--great pushback against the expected.
Transgressional fiction? Sinful fiction?
ReplyDeleteI think it's slow to start, but the idea - unicorn eating hamburger in counted bites - might work if it gets quirky. As it's written now, there's no quirk to the voice.
I'd read more, but not much more.
Kizmet
I found the capitalized pronouns annoying. They stand off the page, not something you want from pronouns and not something that the eye can easily bear over many pages.
ReplyDeleteThe image of the unicorn (with hands?) nibbling at the hamburger made me backtrack twice to make sure it was still the unicorn that was supposed to be eating it and not another character.
The imagery of the bags that "make up everybody else" left me a bit confused.
I think I'd pass on continuing to read.
I don't care for the tense and nothing about this grabs me. And I'm really not sure what Transgressional Fiction is. Pass
ReplyDeleteEr, what is transgressional fiction?
ReplyDeleteSorry, no.
I didn't quite get it--and since "unicorn" in the first line it's capitalized, the capped pronouns confused me. (Though I know it could be a typo.)
I also found the switch from It to male pronouns jarring and didn't understand why the narrator did that.
There's no hook for me here, sorry. Wouldn't read on.
Good luck,
~Merc
No. I'm familiar with fantastical fiction stories (ex: A.E. Hoffmann), where the seemingly-impossible mixes with the mundane, but this just doesn't work for me. The language and wording are confusing, and I spent so much time trying to figure out what was going on that I lost the thread of the story.
ReplyDeleteAnd the strange capitalizations didn't work for me either.
Sorry.
I think the story would be much better without the first line, and revealing it's a unicorn later.
ReplyDeleteI liked it, although it is not something I would ususally read.
So that is probably why I would not read more.. Good Luck, thanks for posting.
No, not hooking me.
ReplyDeleteRight from the start, the abundance of Capitalized Special Words turns me off. You don't need them. It's a horrible convention in Fantasies to capitalize words that would be just as understandable -- or more so -- in lowercase.
Second, I'm not a unicorn fan. Which has nothing to do with your skills as a writer, but rather means I'm having trouble being hooked when all four paragraphs involve a unicorn.
Apologies, but not for me.
Yes. I adore unicorns, so your first line elicited a big 'woo hoo'. And, in keeping with my contrary nature, I liked the pronouns :D
ReplyDeleteThe paragraphs are long and could stand some breaking up and decluttering, but overall I love the idea.
So that's a yes. HOWEVER.... I really don't think I could read an entire novel of this. If it was a short, cool, awesome, shiny, no problem. But an entire novel??
BTW, do you have a market in mind for this? I'm not aware of much else like this being published... And please put our curiosity to rest - what's transgressional fiction???
:D
No, I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't get an idea of the setting. Didn't feel any real connection to the narrator/protagonist. And this was really a lot of description - of the unicorn eating...um hamburgers (HOW? and isn't that cannibalism...somehow?).
It's a no from me too, I just wasn't grabbed by anything.
ReplyDeleteI'd read more, if only to figure out what was going on. The writing is a little stiff, and I'm not a fan of the "It" but otherwise I was interested!
ReplyDeleteSorry. I'm a no.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't pull me in. I was puzzled but not really curious enough to want to find out more. I think the first line was too blunt and the "It" didn't flow well.
No, and it's mainly because of the capped It He/Him. I don't understand what's happening, therefore it doesn't hook me.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
ReplyDeleteThe capitalized 'it's were very distracting. When you started refering to It has Him, you lost me. I actually thought the MC was talking about Him (a man) until I read the comments here, which made me even more confused. A unicorn eating a hamburger? It's all too random for me.
Sorry, not my thing.
ReplyDeleteI did like the image of the unicorn eating a hamburger. I'd suggest you cut the second and third para and jump directly to this image.
As the mc chracter moves towards the unicorn, you can then describe the setting of a mundane park. This will also address the it/he issue.
I agree, the capitalisation of It jars the reader from the narrative and the word leaps out in a way that pulls the reader from the story. You don't want to do this - regardless of how important it felt to deliberately emphasis the otherworldliness of the unicorn.
JMO.
Good luck.
You had me until the Unicorn raised a hamburger to its mouth. . . . I don't THINK that's what you intended. It was certainly surprising! Maybe a paragraph break? Unless, of course, you've got a carnivorous unicorn. That would be interesting.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I would read on. It definitely is an intriguing start but the It/Him thing would annoy me.
ReplyDeleteUm, color me confused on Transgressional Fiction too. I'd call this bad boy fantasy and move on. I'm not horrified by the It even though I don't think it's necessary; I'd rather have a little more info on who the I is here, and how long he's been tracking our unicorn friend, and why it's undercover, rather than some of the bits that feel more indulgent (i.e. final line in para 2, "though by no means necessarily male in truth"). I'll give you props for the synecdoche in para 2 tho--it worked for me. If I had a stronger sense of who our protagonist was, I think I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI found the capitalized pronouns confusing and distracting, but their were some interesting things going on... it's a matter of if I could get over the irritation and find a way to ignore it.
ReplyDeleteYes, especially with the first sentence. I love unicorns! And I was very intrigued by this set up. But things would have to become much more clear soon, for me to get much further.
ReplyDeleteonetiredmama