Working Title: Clockwork Dreams
Genre: Paranormal Romance (Romance in a Fantasy Setting)
That phrase fell from my lips as a pathetic whine once a day, every day; a chant that formed the background of my existence. Sometimes, it was to an understanding customer, or muttered sourly under my breath. Today, as my tired arms lay limp at my sides, that daily prayer was grumbled to Susan. Her lip drooped and those grey eyes rolled up and to the side while she nodded.
“I know, Bella, it’s awful! In and out, in and out…and the regulars! Order, grope, order.” Her breast rose and fell beneath her bodice as her eyes closed. “You poor thing. It would be nice if Father gave you more breaks.”
Chin dropping in a half-nod, I leaned against the bar and took a low breath. A year of this already proved too much; it was no wonder Bernard had been so delighted to purchase me and lighten the burden for himself.
“Oscuro! Oscuro, get going! You’re wasting money and air with your standing around!”
He had a funny way of showing my value, though. That great, angry bellow always made my spine tense enough to snap.
Glancing at Susan, I watched her familiar transformation with disgust. It was times like these when, to gain his favor, she looked like her father; when I got a preview of how she would appear in thirty summers. Pretty Susan became Snarling Susan, her brow and nose wrinkling like an unwashed sheet, her mouth pulling wide across her face.
What happened to Susan's other breast?
ReplyDeleteI can't tell if your mc is male or female. I thought the mc was a she because I can't imagine a teenage girl complaining to a man about being groped. Is "Oscuro" a name? It sounds like it may be a masculine name - hence my confusion.
I'd probably read further to know exactly what's going on in the last paragraph.
Kizmet
I had no confusion over the MC. Her name is Bella. I assumed "Oscuro" to be another language - possibly Spanish telling them to get a move on.
ReplyDeleteI'm almost with you, but I don't understand the significance of noon. It sort of sounds like these girls are hookers of some sort, but then I was confused by the "lighten the burden for himself." and I thought maybe they're not. I thought maybe that could be more clear.
So I'd probably read on to see if some of my questions get answered. :) Good job.
I like your description of susan, I think this has a lot of potential, but it doesn't grab me. The setting isn't anything instantly special and the characters sound typical.
ReplyDeleteBefore I saw the genre I actually thought this started in a fast food place or supermarket.
The 'Order, grope, order' captured my attention--it wasn't what I was expecting and made me rethink that she worked in a general food / customer service role.
ReplyDeleteI liked 'I hate noon', too, because, well, why would someone hate the middle of the day? So that go me in.
The problem is your descriptions, I think, start to bog down the story. There are lots of them (chin dropping in a half-nod, back story about Susan) and they start to impede the flow--or our understanding of what's going on. We want to understand it enough so that the hints you sprinkle throughout draw us in even further (i.e. we want to learn even more).
I think cutting a few bits out and enhancing the interesting elements (what makes this story unique) would make your intro to the story more effective.
Hmmm. No hook for me. It took me a moment to figure out she hated noon because it was a midday rush in a restaurant (or something--and that I completely identify with, having waitressed before ;)) but nothing really grabbed me about this...
ReplyDeleteI did like some lines of dialogue and the situation is mildly interesting (why does the manger like it when Susan looks like their father?) but it just didn't snare my attention enough to make me read on. Personal preference.
Good luck,
~Merc
Not really. There's too much being thrown at the reader right away, so there's no time to digest and emerse into the world.
ReplyDeleteFYI-- "paranormal" doesn't mean "fantasy." Paranormal refers to ghosts and other supernatural elements that are reported even in today's modern world, hense the "normal" part of the world. Fastasy is based off of ideas that most likely never existed, like elves, centaurs, floating islands, etc.
I too wondered about the singular breast. I couldn't quite get a feel for what was going on here, so sorry, this was a no for me.
ReplyDeleteI might read further if I knew more about the plot. Right now, I'm not sure if the girls work in a restaurant or a brothel of some sort. I'm assuming the former. The uncaring father is a bit cliche, and I'd like to know more about Bella. I'd continue with caution.
ReplyDeleteA few good lines (I hate noon; order, grope, order; Pretty Susan became Snarling Susan) but overall not enough to keep me reading. Confused about the setting, and bogged down by lots of description.
ReplyDeleteYes(ish)
ReplyDeleteI would read on a little more out of curiosity + I like the character's voice.
But you need to edit this. Lots of rambling sentences.
The style feels from another time, a time of more leisurely sentences and more descriptions than we're used to. Implying the protagonist is a slave, and the reference to a bodice etc. all confirmed this for me. So I felt this was a case of the style reinforcing the setting.
ReplyDeleteWe have become lazy readers in the last century; this is easy and fast paced by Henry Adam's standards. It takes some confidence to attempt to use a style to help create a time frame, and some chops to pull it off without it being too obvious.
I would make the assumption that that's what's going on here, that we're in Italy a century or two ago in a restaurant, and give the author the benefit of the doubt and continue reading. In that context, the word "grope" seemed modern to me, as did a couple of others, so I'd be watching for other references that felt inconsistent.
Sorry. No.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph flowed OK and made me curious, but "Chin dropping in a half-nod" bothered me. By the last paragraph I lost interest. The word choice was a little flat.
Yes, I'm intrigued. It's well written and the voice is strong. It bugs me what's happening to Susan in her "transformation." Her description sounds like some people I know. 8^) Unwashed sheet that wrinkles? This doesn't quite work as I think you intended because the metaphor is mixed (how do unwashed and wrinkled go together?).
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
ReplyDeleteThe first two paras were good, but then it dragged on and I lost interest. I didn't understand the characterization you were going for in the last para.
I really think you shouldn't be so vague with what these women are doing in this scene. At first, I thought waitresses, then baristas, then there was the mention of being purchased and I was lost again.
Your MC's pov is good but the plot isn't very engaging.
Yeah, I'm curious, and I chuckled twice. I'd keep going just to see if my image of an assembly-line-brothel-thingie was right. I get this visual of naked women, their arms heavy at their sides, bored and talking over the heads of their "customers," who are doing what that sort of customers do.(snicker)
ReplyDeleteUm...is that where you're going with this?! (grin)
-AMY-
Hooker or waitress, waitress or hooker? Add me to the list of inquiring minds. Anyway, I'd be interested in the query here because this isn't your typical "dark city street" para romance setup, but I'd need to see a concept to know for sure where it was headed (and to answer the question of exactly which service industry she belongs to). I also wondered about time period/setting.
ReplyDeleteThe character seems interesting, so I'd read until I could get a sense of the story to know if it'd be my sort of thing or not.
ReplyDelete*laughs* No, not a brothel. After the death of her mother, her father turned to gambling and eventually sold her to the local bar owner to pay his bills. She's a barmaid right now.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the comments, everyone. :)