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Thursday, July 17, 2008

#59 SECRET AGENT Are You Hooked?

TITLE: Bruised Fruit a Romantic Mystery
GENRE: Suspense Novel (not romance)


I ease out of Larry’s bed, groggy from our afternoon of impromptu lovemaking. He still naps. Seeing his firm, tan body resting on the soft white sheets beckons my heart to return to his bed. I resist and

begin hunting for my clothes, gathering them one by one, bra, top, and shorts. Where are my panties? Forget the panties! “Clack” one of my sandals crashes on the wooden floor.

The noise awakens Larry, he stares at me with his eyes squinting and brow crinkled. I get dressed in less than a minute.

“Trish, what's going on?” Larry sits up.

“I'm leaving.”

“Why? Did I do something wrong?” Larry quizzes.

“No. You’re perfect, too perfect! Who the heck are you Larry Javno?” A tear escapes down my cheek.

Larry jumps out of bed and grabs his bathing suit off the floor. He is pulling it up as I leave his sun lit bedroom and rush down the steps.

Larry calls out, “Wait Trish!” I stop and he runs to me, pulling me into his arms. His arms wrap tight around my frame, his rapid heartbeat pounds my chest, and the warmth of his body heats my skin.

“Trish, we're meant to be together. Our lovemaking was wonderful. You did nothing wrong!”

“Did you forget that I’m married?”

“In name only! Owen broke those vows and hasn’t fixed them. Think about it; you'll know, we’re meant to be together.”

I get in my car and speed away from Larry, Ethan’s ghost.

17 comments:

  1. It's probably just me, but I have a hard time with present tense. This seems a bit slow to open a suspense novel with, but I'm intrigued with the last line.

    Elizabeth W.

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  2. I don't know why but the two references to 'lovemaking' irked me a little. I don't know many who'd use the term, let alone a protagonist, in her head, and then her lover, moments later as he clings to her in desperation. But, that's a stylistic issue and my own personal preference.

    The last sentence is where the story starts to feel unique and different to me.

    I'd heighten what makes this unique more in this intro (even if you just give us hints)--especially if your hints signpost the genre to your readers (I think they need to know or feel that a mystery / much suspense is on it's way).

    I think I'd read on: I'm intrigued about the last sentence and what it may mean in light of your genre. Real ghosts or metaphorical ghosts? And if they're real: what role does she play in that?

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  3. I'm just a little confused by the refrences to so many names. And I'm not big on the idea of adultery. I'd pass.

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  4. Although the last line was intriguing, the rest of it turned me off. I can't say I know anyone who uses the word "lovemaking" in the heat of an arguement. Trish's words sounded forced and insincere, and I don't understand her sudden emotional need to shed a single tear (which is a cliche, BTW). Sorry, but it's a no for me.

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  5. No, I'm afriad I'm not hooked. It just seems to randomly jump from a woman satisfied with her lover to her being all angstful and erratic about him, leaving me going, huh?

    I didn't mind "lovemaking" as a word in her narrative, but in DL it doesn't sound natural to me, especially coming from a guy. I'd expect him to be more blunt, like just say "sex" instead.

    Good luck, though.

    ~Merc

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  6. The pace of this was a little too fast for me. I think if you filled it out some I would be inclined to read more, but everything happened too fast and it jumped around emotionally.

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  7. I like the last line too and wonder if he's a real ghost or is it a metaphor? I like the opening line too, but I agree with several of the other comments---I think you should change it simply to "sex."

    I was a bit turned off by her sudden crying. It comes out of no where. Maybe she can be a bit more frantic right from the start? Like she lurches awake realizing she's still in bed with Larry. She grimaces when she looks at him or maybe she shakes her head with regret. I think you need to ease into the crying.

    And why is Larry wearing a bathing suit but the MC isn't? Just curious. ;)

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  8. No, I'm afraid not.

    The jump between satisfied lover to weeping woman feels unnatural.

    And who is Ethan?

    Not enough here to hook me. I have no reason to care about Trish's angst.

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  9. Ditto to Merc, Alicia and Just_me.

    Though there is definitely potential in your last line.

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  10. No, I'm sorry. Not something I'm interested in.

    *pushes personal opinion aside* I do see this working for it's target audience with a little editing. I spotted typos.

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  11. No.
    These characters do not seem like actual people at all.

    And I hate the word "lovemaking" I guess this appeals to people who find that romantic or charming.

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  12. Sorry, I'm not hooked. The dialogue is too "as-you-know-Bob" and the tab "quizzes" put me off. Wonderful lovemaking doesn't equate to being meant to be together, so I'd presume the heroine to react in some way to that line, but she doesn't. Also, melodrama is not usually a good way to start a book, IMO. So Larry is also Ethan's ghost? Why does he have two names?

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  13. Not hooked.

    First-person present-tense bugs me. Subject matter/plot, irksome. Guy chasing after her was a little cheesy. Dialogue flat and way too fast.

    Last sentence mildly intriguing. I'd start with that thought and expand on why she thinks that, get to know her a little better, then make her freak and run out.

    Overall, not my cup of tea.

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  14. Not my thing, but I like present tense - stick with it.

    I'm also curious as to why you'd put Romantic mystery in the title of a suspense novel (highlight it's not a romance), and then start with a romance scene...

    Managing reader's expectations is very important. It doesn't matter how well you write, if someone picks up you book expecting a romance, you lead with a romance scene, and never fulfil that expectation... you may have a lot of people throw your book across the room...

    or maybe it's just me.

    JMO

    Good luck.

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  15. I would probably not read on. There are definitely hooky aspects to this start but I'm not that comfortable with books where sex is that blatant an aspect.

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  16. No for me. The dialog didn't feel authentic, and the confrontation felt a bit contrived, sorry to say. And the introduction of the ghost element, unfortunately, made me go "huh?" instead of "oooh" as I would've wanted to do.

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  17. This felt a bit rushed to me... I didn't identify with or care about either character. Maybe slow down a little and get us into one of their heads a bit more.

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