1821
The Rocky Mountains, Colorado
Nick swayed with cold and fatigue. Keep walking. He stared at his feet, willing them to move. If he stopped the snow would win. The wind died down, but the flakes were bigger, soft, fluffy flakes that absorbed all sound.
Nick shuffled a few feet forward, stumbled sideways and sunk the butt of his rifle into the snow. He flexed his fingers. He couldn’t feel them, even through layers of furred rabbit skin. He squinted through ice covered lashes. There wasn’t much to see, just tall white pikes stuck into an endless white blanket.
Nick fingered the amulet around his neck. It didn’t look like a bear to him and the bloody thing hadn’t brought him any luck. He yanked on the cord. He wanted to throw it into the storm but the leather didn’t break. He dropped the amulet down his leather jerkin.
I think I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteI like the description of the Rockies, and I'm interested in the Indian that gave him the amulet.
I'm not on the edge of my seat, exactly. More like, I'm hunkered down under a blanket and wanting more. :)
How does one finger an amulet when one's nearly frozen hand is wrapped in rabbit skin?
ReplyDeleteI'm iffy. I'd read more if more were here.
Kizmet
The first paragraph threw me a bit.
ReplyDeleteI think if you put 'Keep walking' in italics, I know it was his thoughts (it's a change in tense and could seem out of place without this). My ear longed to hear 'had' in the sentence 'The wind died down...' as I was thinking it as being a more recent occurrence and I think perfect past tense here would clarify the timing better.
The amulet is a common premise and I started to wonder if your story would be any different, but the last two sentences suggested it might be. Yes, I think I'm hooked. I want to learn more.
Nick sounds like so many MMC's I've read before. The story is probably good but it sounds like something that's been done before, it doesn't strike me as unique, and it leaves me feeling like I've already read the book.
ReplyDeleteIn the first page I want to know where I am, who I'm dealing with, and get a clue to what's going on. You did that. But I also want something that strikes me as unique or original, and this doesn't do it.
I think with a rewrite you could have that key factor, but not the way it is now.
I started getting into once we got to the amulet part, and the last line was definitely hooking. But prior to that, I really wasn't into it much. So, I'll say tentatively yes.
ReplyDeleteI am curious about the Indian, and yes I would read on.
ReplyDeleteGoing to say a tentative yes. A few inconsistencies jerked me out (rubbing the amulet with frozen hands? and the laughing felt out of place for his situation) but I liked the conflict and tension you created and I think I could like Nick. So I'd read on a little more.
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
~Merc
Not for me, at least not with this particular opening. An old Indian giving Nick an amulet sounds interesting -- I think I'd almost prefer seeing the book start from there. Reading it as background information makes it sound boring, when I imagine it would have happened under fascinating circumstances. Nick staggering through the cold doesn't provide enough hook for me to keep reading. With some revision or a clearer idea of the plot, I might read more.
ReplyDeleteWhy is he using the word "bl**dy"? (Sorry, will NOT use that word.) Is he English? I can't imagine someone in the states using that word back then unless they were a foreigner.
ReplyDeleteSorry, not hooked. The last line was hooky, but it came too late for me :~
No, I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteThis could be good, I think, but needs a lot of editing. Almost every paragraph starts with "Nick" and your tenses are a little messy.
Sorry, but no, I'm not hooked. This is a stock beginning with a character trying to get away from something (the elements/bad guys/monsters) and it's been done to death. I think you're just starting your engines and the meat of the story starts later. Keep this set-up for yourself in your notes, but don't put it in the book, IMO. Start with the action, preferably with more than one character involved.
ReplyDeleteHooked.
ReplyDeleteNice imagery. The pacing dragged a bit but the last sentence saved it.
I probably wouldn't read on. I liked the first three paragraphs but the sequencing in the fourth paragraph seemed muddled and so it confused me. I tend not to read books that confuse me on the first page (and I'm picky about verb tenses being correct).
ReplyDeleteI liked it. I'm curious about time-travel romance--not usually something I like, but in this case I might give it a shot. It seems well set up to me.
ReplyDeleteGood luck! (grin)
-AMY-
Unless the premise really swept me away, I don't think I'd ask for more. I wanted more of a sense of Nick's desperation and a little less of the logistics of his fingers/gloves, attempts to toss the amulet, etc. That fourth paragraph is also a little thinky for me (the desires transition is odd to me somehow). I think you might want to aim for more action--how did he come to be here, what's he headed to? The final line did work for me though I wondered about the repeated use of bloody.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to feel the emotion more. I think this could use a little reworking to make it hookier.
ReplyDeleteNot for me, sorry. I found myself skimming and couldn't find any meaty conflict to draw me back in. Last line could be hooky, but it wasn't enough for me personally.
ReplyDelete