GENRE: Fantasy
"You did it again! Quit rambling about your tinker and concentrate. That's the second time you got soap in my eyes."
"I'm sorry. I'm just so excited." Terra's hands resumed lathering Marian's hair.
"He'll be here soon enough. At least stop waving your hands around." Thankfully, she did, and finished much quicker for it.
Marian perched on the edge of the bed. Terra, brown hair already washed and braided, knelt behind and ran a brush through her sister's tangled blonde curls. Marian looked out the small window, soothed by the familiar tugging on her scalp. The faint light of dawn beckoned her to the forest beyond.
A door crashed, shaking the whole house. Marian cringed as the brush yanked her head back. She barely heard the door slam shut again, overshadowed as it was by the accompanying rough voice. "Where's my hot breakfast, you useless women?"
Terra moaned. "Why couldn't business delays keep Hayden away until after Courtship?"
Marian's eyes widened in shock and she turned to face her sister. "Don't let Father hear you use his given name. You don't want another one of his talks."
"He's not my father. Besides, it won't be long before Kerr rescues me from this brothel."
"Then wait until you're gone to disrespect Father. You don't want your tinker showing up while you're nursing a black eye."
Terra scurried off the bed to pull a long tunic over her head before replying. "You're right. I'm sorry. I'm just so..."
Oh, so cheating... I've read this before. I think the opening has improved massively, well done. I am still a little confused because there are so many names thrown in here. I think I'd keep reading just to sort through the scene.
ReplyDeleteSide note: you might want to name the location (the brothel) up front so that your reader knows exactly where they are. I pictured a house to start.
Wow, I thought it was a house too. Then, based on the first comment, I had to look up what a brothel was. I would definately put them up near the beginning, and maybe add something for dumb people like me that hints at what a brothel is. The names however did not confuse me - Hayden is "Father", Kerr is the boyfrined/fiance (or so it seems). But I love fantasy, and know there are going to be alot of characters from the start.
ReplyDeleteI liked this, it wasn't as hooky for me, but since I like fantasy I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI was a little confused as to the point of view. Maybe I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I want to know which character I'm following around for a while, and it could be either Marian or Terra in this piece. I *think* it's Marian because of "Thankfully, she did, and finished much quicker for it." and "She barely heard the door slam shut again..." but I would have liked a little more right at the beginning. And maybe you could introduce Marian's name first, instead of Terra's to clarify further.
Yes, but it was an initial no.
ReplyDeleteNo because normally this type of story doesn't interest me. I was hooked when I learned she was in a brothel, not really with family. I want to see how she escapes (I'm presuming she will), whether she will be pursued if she does this, whether she can ever be free from the awful life.
Good job!
I agree that we should know about the brothel - rather than a house - right away as that changes the perseption of things. Other than that, the dialogue was fun and full of interesting things so I'm going with a yes.
ReplyDeleteHmm, this is a close but not quite. It took me two reads--a minus--but there's something interesting here. I'd watch the telling in dialogue.
ReplyDeleteI read this through multiple times and realize the other commenters here are not catching the subtle hints by the author! (I assume will be made clear later on though).
ReplyDeleteFirst, this is a house, not an actual brothel. Look how talks is italicized...thus leading to believe talking is not the actual activity. Terra then says she can not wait to get out of this brothel in a figurative way referring to the talks.
Yes!
ReplyDeleteThere were lots of issues brought up here which I feel need to be resolved. Obviously that would force me to read on. So yes, I am hooked.
Well done!
I too would put the brothel up to the beginning. I would probably read on with this one, give it a chapter or two to see if it hooked me. It hasn't done so yet, but it could do.
ReplyDeleteNot an actual brothel! Good to know how it's being interpreted though. Really appreciating the feedback. :-) Will clarify in manuscript...
ReplyDelete~Author
It's okay, but I probably wouldn't read on. It just didn't have that special something for me. I also have a question. what do you mean when you say "quit rambling about your tinker." What's a tinker? Is it necessary to mention?
ReplyDeleteEmily H
Yes?
ReplyDeleteYes because of the bait and switch. Very, very clever.
A question mark because the writing is a bit overwrought(sorry, couldn't help it) and telly.
But I'd read more and see if I could ignore the fluff because of the fun :)
Okay, as a hook: yes and no.
ReplyDeleteThe opening line is good--I liked that and the DL. I also am intrigued by the situation.
The no part would come from partial confusion up front about who the POV char was (the first two paragraphs weren't clear), and the fact that until Father/Hayden comes in, it's a bit slowish for me and sounded like it would take awhile to get moving.
Once he enters and we get some idea of who he is and what the situation is, I'd read on.
So I think you're almost there. It just needs a bit of work before I'll say YES completely. ;)
~Merc
P.S. I had no problem understanding it's a house, not an actual brothel. ;) I got that from the DL and it's part of what made me interested to read.
ReplyDeleteI'm leaning toward yes, but I'm just not sure. There was no hook for me and only after the conversation that I started to lean the other way.
ReplyDeleteYou definitely need to clear up the house and brothel confusion. To me, and others it seems, it would be more interesting if it was a brothel, but we take what is given.
Yes ... and no.
ReplyDeleteI do like Fantasy novels, but I'm not sure about this one. I think I need to know more about the plot. There are also a lot of characters to process in one page -- Marian, Terra, Hayden, Kerr, and a father of some sort.
The girls being stuck in a brothel seems interesting, and I would read a bit more based on that alone. The title also intrigues me. I'm not quite feeling the characters, but I'd give the book a full chapter before deciding.
Sorry, no. (This is all just my opinion) Too much time spent on hair. Too much exposition through dialogue. It almost felt a bit melodramatic. Also, the brothel thing does need to be cleared up. Pass.
ReplyDeleteAs it is right now, no.
ReplyDelete1) The POV, to me, wasn't clearly discernable until several lines into the section, so I had no idea which character's head I was supposed to get in to.
2) Lots of dialogue, with no interjections of gestures or vocal intonations, make an interchange like this rather dry and lifeless.
3) Too many characters mentioned or introduced in oly 250 words.
4) There's a distinct lack of physical descriptions that would help ground your reader in this world and help them visualize the characters than inhabit it.
BUT, there's definite potential and conflict to be had. Just needs some tightening up, IMHO.
This one rather confused me. There's a lot going on and a lot referenced. I think it felt too scattered to me to really hook me. I couldn't instantly relate to any one of the characters presented.
ReplyDeleteNo, sorry.
ReplyDeleteThe dialog felt off to me. Almost too telly. I'd like to see a bit more with internal thoughts. Get in their head. I like the bit with the brothel, perhaps move that to the front, give us a more compelling reason to continue.
Cautious yes. I like, but on the other hand, not much actually /happens/, yes?
ReplyDeleteThis is, however, MASSIVELY improved from early versions I've seen - well done :D
Hooked.
ReplyDeleteI don't like fantasies, but I like sister stories :). The premise of this is intriguing. I would like to know what the two are up to.
I am a little confused as to who the MC is. I am more interested in Terra but it looks like Marian is the focus?
Not sure -- I had to read the other comments to see the brothel part so maybe rewrite with more clarity and it would be much improved.
ReplyDeleteProbably not. I would read one more page, but I'm already a little tired of women's hair in fatasy novels. Really, it's done more than you think.
ReplyDeleteGirls getting ready by braiding- or plaiting, it's the same- it's like looking in the mirror to describe the character. Done, done, done.
It's a no for me, but I could be convinced otherwise. :-) I read "brothel" as figurative from the beginning, but even that interesting comment wasn't enough to pull me in. Right off the bat i was confused about what a "tinker" was. And at the end of the page, I realized she was referring to Kerr, but I still don't understand the use of "tinker". I didn't really get enough information about anything to make me continue reading.
ReplyDeleteI'm curious about the "tinker" and the fact that the girls are in a brothel. I think this is something that you should move closer to the opening. I'm not hooked by a girl getting her hair brushed, but I am by a couple of girls living in a brothel.
ReplyDeleteAlso agree with an earlier comment that said the POV was confusing.
Ye-no... not yet.
ReplyDeleteThe dialogue seems to be a little unnatural. Be careful about loading too much information in.
Great feedback. Thank you everyone. I have a good idea of what to improve now.
ReplyDelete