Title - Still Life
Genre - YA
My forbidden boyfriend leaned against a column under the dock with mischief in his eyes, and I wondered what law he’d want me to break tonight..
“I have a surprise for you.” Landon reached into his pocket and pulled out a small card that reflected the light above. Laminated.
“No, I can’t,” I said, glancing at the fake ID in his hand. He had all the info on it correct. My name: Erika Smithson. My address. But not my birthday.
He grabbed my hands and placed the ID in one and his own palm in the other. “It’ll work. Trust me. The Riptide Bar doesn’t care at all.” He smiled.
It wasn’t getting in that I worried about. It was getting recognized. Not by the patrons or the bouncers. But by the owners who took over the bar when my dad had to sell it seven years ago.. When he had to stop working.
But I couldn’t tell that to Landon. He didn’t know anything about my dad. Anything about my past. Our relationship was still lukewarm, even the lusty parts hadn’t reached steamy yet, and I wasn’t about to turn the faucet to ice cold.
“Besides, I know the bouncer. He’s the one who made the ID.” Landon laughed. “So you’re gold.” He pushed a piece of my hair behind my ear and sunk his lips into mine. He tasted like cigarettes and rebellion and though I wanted the latter, I didn’t want it this way.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Oooh, I liked this one. I would read one, though it's not really my genre. I like the writing style and the MC's personality. I like how she's holding Landon at an emotional arm's distance. She seems like someone I could root for.
ReplyDeleteI really like this. Your first line drew me in immediately, and the last line of the end paragraph is brilliant. I want to run right out to find out what cigarettes and rebellion tastes like!
ReplyDeleteOh yeah! You've totally got me hooked. I like the tension between the MC and the boyfriend and the hint of a history in her refusal to tell him anything about her past. I would definitely keep reading!
ReplyDeleteOoh, I really like this one! I like the opening and the fact that the MC knows her boyfriend is trouble. I especially love: "He tasted like cigarettes and rebellion and though I wanted the latter, I didn’t want it this way." He tasted like rebellion? Clever!
ReplyDeleteGreat promise of conflict with the dad too.
I really liked this one. You hooked me with forbidden boyfriend - I mean, who doesn't want one of those? Ha, ha! Also, I liked the cigarettes and rebellion, BUT, I didn't like "sunk his lips into mine." That was a weird visual for me, like I sunk my feet into the sand, it sounded like his lips disappeared or something. It was strange. But, I mean, come on, I'd read past that to find out what happens at the Riptide Bar! Good job! :)
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked! This sounds great!
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked! This sounds great!
ReplyDeleteI understand this girl, her reluctance, the allure of the sexy dangerous guy...
ReplyDeleteNicely done, I would read more! One thing-do teens use "lusty"?
Yes! Loved the voice. Writing flows from line to line. Well done.
ReplyDeleteYep, I'd read on with this one. Good job conjuring up the rebellious boyfriend and a hint of something that went wrong with the MC's dad that he needed to sell the bar. Good opening!
ReplyDeletePlease let me read more? *flashes begging puppy dog eyes* Pretty please? I like it. Reminds me of my own teenage daughters.
ReplyDeleteInteresting choice of words, forbidden boyfriend, so off to a great start. The tie in of the Dad being a previous owner of this bar sets up the conflict to come well also. If you follow through and show reason why the boyfriend would be turned off if he knew Erica's past, I wouldnt be disappointed once I read on.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing, and yes, I'd turn the pages.
Didn't like the second to last paragraph. Too melodramatic. But I LOVED the last paragraph, especially the last sentence. Very good. I would read on.
ReplyDeleteUh...no.
ReplyDeleteI think that this could be good. But you need to have stronger characterization from the protagonist particularly in the first paragraph. I couldn't identify with her.
I'll say tentatively yes. The "forbidden" part jumped out and sounded forced and unnatural. There were some other wording issues I had, but the premise seems interesting.
ReplyDeleteYes, yes, yes.
ReplyDeleteAgain, that second to last paragraph didn't seem to flow like the rest. But everything else I really liked.
I'm interested where this is going but I'm not sure I want it to be YA. I think of 14 year olds when I see the YA label and there are just certain things I don't want to read about a 14 yr old doing.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully done! Nice character development immediately, fascinating premise, tense and intriguing. Good job!
ReplyDeleteYes, for a while at least.
ReplyDeleteThe tight writing and developed characters drew me right into the opening. I'd read more, depending on the plot -- I don't pick up a lot of straight YA. Wonderful job so far!
A tentative yes--I liked the opening and am curious about the situation and the immediate sense of conflict, but it would depend on the plot if it's something I'd be interested in reading.
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc
I think your writing style is pretty tight. The story flowed well and I got a good pulse on who the characters were.
ReplyDeleteIt's not my thing so I'd pass but it's well-written.
Hooked. The "forbidden boyfriend" and "lusty parts" popped to me and I wondered if you could rephrase. I like the info about the dad and the tasted of rebellion phrase, so I'd take a look at more.
ReplyDeleteIt's really not my usual kind of read, but I'm hooked enough to keep reading.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely hooked. The MC had a strong sense of voice and I want to know more.
ReplyDeleteNot bad. The fact that she explicitly states/repeats her name from off the card but not any of the other info irritated me, but otherwise good.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteThe first line grabbed me, and the inner conflict of the MC kept me reading. I'd like to hear more.
It's got mystery, sex, rebellion -- fun. The writing style flows easy too.