Title: The Hole in Room 218
Genre: YA
"You, you, you, what? Spit it out, what do you want?"
Becca was perfectly sure she knew what he wanted. She had no intention of making it easy for him. It was all she could do not to laugh. His rail thin frame looked so out of place in formal wear. His wrists and ankles stuck out uncomfortably from the ends of his sleeves and pant legs. His tightly curled, brown-black hair was as unruly as ever. His hair had a habit of doing whatever it wanted no matter how much he tried to control it. His deep brown eyes had flecks of gold in them. Becca thought he looked as if he might cry. She decided that if he did manage to say whatever it was he planned to say, that she'd let him off the hook. They had never had a serious fight before and she was getting a bit lonely without his company.
"I'm waiting." Becca said through gritted teeth.
"Well," Sam began again, "I wanted to, um, you see, ah. Shoot, this isn't going like I planned." Sam scrubbed at his head with his hand causing his hair to become even more unruly, if that was at all possible. Now he looked like a distressed chicken. Becca did her best not to laugh. He could be so adorable at times. She was beginning to wonder why she had stayed mad at him for so long. Sam looked at her apologetically. "I'm sorry I'm such an ass."
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'm taking a stab that the secondary character is Sam. I was giggling at the description of him. Especially 'distressed chicken'. Heehee :) This one works for me! Definitely not cardboard.
ReplyDeleteI like the way Becca describes him, and the general voice of this scene, but I'm not seeing much of Sam himself. It's funny, but with this exercise in mind, it's more telling about Sam than showing Sam.
ReplyDeleteI liked this, and loved the image. I do think some of the description is too much--I'd drop the bit about his hair and eyes in the first paragraph and find another way to add them (which you do for his hair later on anyhow).
ReplyDeleteI was a bit turned off by the five 'his' lines in a row, but Sam comes across well in the last paragraph where he is doing something rather than being described.
ReplyDeleteI laughed at the distressed chicken description - good line there. I also liked that he's rail thin and out of place in formal wear - he's very endearing. Overall, though, I think there's too much telling, though, description of Sam vs. Sam coming to life.
ReplyDeleteI get the physical description of Sam, but not much of what he's really like. I liked the last paragraph, but found the 2nd one too long.
ReplyDeleteSam does seem realistic, especially by the end of the section.
ReplyDeleteI would recommend dropping the "his deep brown eyes had flecks of gold in them" - it seemed like one piece of description too many and didn't add anything to the overall impression of him, like the other details did.
I liked the description of Sam, but I would rather get to know him from his actions. This seemed to list his traits rather than let us experience them.
ReplyDeleteOverall, though, he sounds like a good character.
It's a good scene but I think you should try to break up the big paragraphs. White space makes reading easier.
ReplyDeleteI can picture Sam well through Becca's perceptions, but I'm getting more about his looks than his demeanor. I like that he's nervous and awkward, but I'd prefer seeing less of his appearance and more about him through his actions.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with Meradeth that all the description took away from the tension I would have liked to seen (since they're having a fight). I did like his dialogue, though-- seemed unique to the character in a good way.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like Sam is a likable guy, but I don't feel like I know much about him yet. Even though there was a lot of details about him physically, my picture of him was still fuzzy.
ReplyDeleteThe voice is comfortable and easy to read.
Good descriptions here, but I agree that there's too much. For example, in the second paragraph you describe his hair as unruly, then in the next sentence talk more about his unruly hair. It could be condensed. Less is more in this case.
ReplyDeleteAs an aside, I thought it strange that Becca was trying not to laugh while looking at him, but spoke through gritted teeth.
The best characterization is in the last paragraph. :-)
I agree with the comments about telling. You showed us his unruly hair when he rubbed his head.
ReplyDeleteAlso about more white space via shorter paragraphs.
Good voice!
:) Terri
Well... he (Sam your SC)sounds a bit pathetic and awkward with the misfitting clothes and wobbly stammering.
ReplyDeleteBut I like him. He works - and great description of him. He reminded me of somebody.
Liked the distressed chicken bit. I'm guessing Sam is secondary? Cute descript.
ReplyDeleteSounds like Sam is the secondary character.
ReplyDeleteI like how you portray him in this scene. I feel that there is a good description of him physically, but I don't get much of a sense of his personality.
Like everyone else, I'm in deep smit with the "distressed chicken" description.
ReplyDeleteI admit that you lost me a little in the description paragraph above on about the third "His" sentence. And then when I hit distressed chicken, I thought "See... this is pretty much all I needed for description."
For the purposes of the contest, I would have liked to see less frank description in the earlier paragraph (the fact that he's too skinny and doesn't fit in his tuxedo is adding to Sam but I don't think the rest of the description is necessary here.) That might have scootched up more of Sam's conversation so we could get to know him a bit better.
I like the voice here. :)
I felt that you did more telling of Sam than showing. We only see him through Becca's POV, so I didn't get a feel for WHO he is, just how his mannerisms appear.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I liked the voice of the scene, and your descriptions are great.
Since we are staying with Becca’s thoughts and impressions of him, I’d agree with everyone else that Sam’s your SC.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I get a clear enough sense of Becca’s personality and what she thinks of Sam.
I am more confused with Sam however. If he’s so adorable, apologetic, looked like he would cry, I wind up having a hard time seeing him involved in a serious fight with the more confident Becca.
I know he wanted to tell Becca something, but it was a little unclear what. Becca knew what, but she didn’t let us know!
I assumed he was about to stand up to her, but couldn’t do it? I If I got the wrong impression, my apologies.
Perhaps if I had more context I’d understand. I’d love to see where this scene goes and what becomes of them.
The only thing I noticed about your description was you did go on about Sam’s hair a bit. I liked both Becca and Sam, and I liked your description of the scene/Sam.
I'd second the using more spaces to divide your paras.
Thanks for sharing.
Since we are staying with Becca’s thoughts and impressions of him, I’d agree with everyone else that Sam’s your SC.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I get a clear enough sense of Becca’s personality and what she thinks of Sam.
I am more confused with Sam however. If he’s so adorable, apologetic, looked like he would cry, I wind up having a hard time seeing him involved in a serious fight with the more confident Becca.
I know he wanted to tell Becca something, but it was a little unclear what. Becca knew what, but she didn’t let us know!
I assumed he was about to stand up to her, but couldn’t do it? I If I got the wrong impression, my apologies.
Perhaps if I had more context I’d understand. I’d love to see where this scene goes and what becomes of them.
The only thing I noticed about your description was you did go on about Sam’s hair a bit. I liked both Becca and Sam, and I liked your description of the scene/Sam.
Oh, and I'd second the use of more white space.
Thanks for sharing.