"I'm perfectly aware of how to drive this craft."
"It's a Jeep, not a craft."
Saevus snarled, returned his attention to the task at hand and stepped on the two pedals, turning the key again. The engine revved up, maxing out the RPM's, shrieking for release.
Atla cringed, and then looked down to see that Saevus had both the clutch and the gas pedal pushed to the floor mats. "Ease off the gas before you blow this hunk of junk's engine."
Saevus let off the clutch instead of the gas. The Jeep lurched forward. The tires squealed and smoked, leaving half their rubber on the brick street.
"Shift! Shift!"
"I know how to operate this." Saevus reached down and slammed the Jeep into forth without stepping on the clutch. Painful grinding followed by the Jeep lurching to an immediate stop, throwing Atla into the dash.
"If you'd let me drive, we might actually get somewhere."
"I can drive this thing!" Saevus snarled at him, then stomped down on the clutch again, before turning the keys. The engine rolled over and rattled life. "Our technology was more advanced than this, three thousand years ago."
"Calm down and put it in first, or you will stall it again."
Saevus burned him with an icy stare, letting off the clutch and punching the gas. The Jeep sputtered to a start in fourth.
I think Atla is the secondary character. There isn't much to go on, but he is realistic: he acts like an instructure, reminding Saevus what to do, he doesn't get mad at him...until he needs to shift :) Then he gets a bit impatient. Real for me.
ReplyDeleteHah, great description of Saevus in a funny scene. The trouble of getting in gear is easily recognizable, and helps to make it work.
ReplyDeleteSaevus has a short fuse, is stubborn, and a bit of a know-it-all. Good stuff!
I had a bit of a hard time telling who is MC and who is SC here, but I liked it. Saevus is funny and it reminded me of some horrible experiences trying to learn to drive stick - I chuckled out loud at some of this, like where he keeps doing the wrong things.
ReplyDeleteI think Atla is the secondary but I got much better read on Saevus. He was funny and stubborn.
ReplyDeleteOnly a few of Atla's lines stood out to me.
I'm still not sure if I got the roles right but I liked the scene overall.
I'm a little confused picking out the secondary character...or who was the primary character.
ReplyDeleteI want to say Atla was your secondary character. Though I could be wrong. It's a little hard to see from this excerpt. They both could be primary characters, if squinted right.
Interesting scene. I'm assuming it's two aliens, trying to drive a car? That's pretty clever and something I don't think I've seen before.
ReplyDeleteI'm goingto guess that Saevus is the seconday character, because I got the sense that we were in Atla's OPOV. (It did surprise me thought, that Atla was male.)
P.S.-- Did you mean "fourth" rathr than "forth"?
Is Saevus the SC here? His frustration with not being able to drive the Jeep comes across well. His demeanor and interactions with Atla make the scene engaging, when I'd otherwise be cringing over so much car talk. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteI think Saevus is the SC. He makes more of an impression - I could feel his irritation with Atla.
ReplyDeleteOne off-putting thing is that there were two instances of him snarling in close proximity.
I agree that I expected Atla was a woman's name. The first pronoun for him doesn't come until late in the piece, so that was a bit jarring. It's probably quite clear already by this point in the story for the reader, I imagine.
ReplyDeleteThe fact that "Saevus" name to me reads and pronounces as "Save Us" was amusing. :)
I felt that Saevus was the SC here.
Alta is your SC? Saevus seems very...stubborn. I liked the patience Alta was showing, but also the irritation. :)
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