Well, if I don't let it out somehow, I may become jaded and shriveled. A soulless prune whose writing is shallow, laced with the bitterness of hope deferred.
So. Here goes.
1. Agents who only accept snail mail. I mean, seriously. In this day and age? Perhaps the over-50 crowd may be excused, but anyone younger than a Boomer should be all over the convenience and paper-saving-ness of email queries. Shouldn't they?
2. Non-communicative people. Yes, agents and editors are included (and, being a writer and all, I've got them fairly close to the top of my list). But I'm also talking about people who don't RSVP, people who don't respond to simple business emails, people who seem to think that "no answer" is the right thing to do, leaving the guessing up to you.
3. And while I'm on the "non-communicative" train, let me hone in on agents who "only respond if interested." Trust me, I've done my share of querying and partial-ing and even full-ing. It's bad enough when you query an agent and subsequently fall into a black hole of perpetual silence. But a non-response on a requested partial? Unpardonable. And it's happened more than once.
4. The "author" vs. "writer" debate. Some say you're not an "author" unless you've been published. I say, regardless of what has been written, do you ever hear somebody declare, "I like this book. Who is the writer?" Hmph.
5. Bad writing. I'm sorry, there's an awful lot of it out there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, there's good stuff, too. But seriously. And especially for children. Have you ever read Rainbow Fish? It's a travesty! And don't get me started on teeny-bopper series and knock-off stories from movies. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.
6. Bad chocolate. They shouldn't be allowed to call it "chocolate" at all.
7. Can you tell it's raining today where I live?
8. The cost of postage stamps. Considering the fact that there really are agents out there who will only accept snail mail queries, this is a small issue that just keeps growing. Literally. Did you know that postcard stamps are up to 23 cents a pop? Not to mention the cost of sending the first 50 pages of your manuscript plus a SASE out into the blue yonder, trusting that you'll at least get a semi-personalized rejection letter for your troubles.
9. Form rejections addressed to "Dear Author."
10. Form rejections for requested full manuscripts addressed to "Dear Author."
11. At least they're addressing me as an "author."
12. Want to add to my list? I think I've snarked enough for one rainy afternoon. (Actually, I'm having a pretty good day. I just felt like writing something a little snarky. Just a little.)
Miss Snark's First Victim
I probably shouldn't complain at all because I recently landed a fantastic agent, but I have to say that during the query process, when a hard copy full was requested, my wallet took a major hit. I had seven full requests all around the same time, and four of them wanted hard copies snail mailed. Ai carumba! And two of those wanted return postage included. Eeek! The cost of paper, ink, and postage for all four added up to over $150. Lucky for me one of those snail mailed hard copy fulls went to my now-agent, so it was worth the expense. Killed some trees in the process, but also helped pay a postal employee's salary. Whaddaya gonna do. It is what it is.
ReplyDeleteFor one of the first agents I submitted to, I enclosed my favourite postcard, stamped for them to send back as acknowledgement of receipt. Months later my submission was returned - without my postcard! They'd stolen it! I also recently received a helpful and considered rejection from one of the leading agents in the UK, demonstrating not only that she'd actually read it (which a form rejection letter of course does not), but that it doesn't matter how important you are when it comes to appreciating that a real and indeed persevering human being has taken the time to contact you. I do think a lot of agents forget the fact that without their authors, they wouldn't be in business. As for there being a lot of bad writing out there, I was interning at a literary agency here in London several years ago when I picked up a manuscript by someone we were representing that had been returned from publishers 9 times. It began "It was a dark and stormy night."
ReplyDeleteI wish I were making this up. I even kept reading to see if it was being used in irony, but no. You have to wonder how a novelist of such quality came to be represented as you're nursing your latest form rejection letter.
Oh! o-0 *hugs for Authoress*
ReplyDeleteRejections are awful aren't they? (Okay, I don't have any yet because I refuse to query yet but I'm sure they are awful and I will have my fair share eventually).
I'd add to the list... but I think you've managed to hit everything of interest. And I'm in a rather sunny mood.... I managed to edit 3 chapters this morning!
It was a dark and stormy night? Really? And no irony?
ReplyDeleteOh my...
I can't add anything here Authoress (not writeress). You've got a thorough list.
can't add anything here Authoress (not writeress).
ReplyDeleteROFL! Thanks for the laugh. :)
Can I add an item to that list???
ReplyDeleteFormatting. You have those that want it one way and those who want it another way altogether. Double space between your sentences. Don't double space between sentences you're using a word processor and in this day an age it calls for one space only. Courier please. No, only New Roman Times will do. Underline those italics. Please don't underline the italics... And my personal favorite, use the tab key to indent paragraphs vs. the space. (Major work to re-format)
Argh. Bangs head on desk. Just read the *#$% thing and decide if you want to work with me first. I've double spaced, kept to one side of the page only, haven't bound it, colored the background or used funky paper. When you open the envelope it doesn't play 'Pomp and Circumstance' and I haven't inserted anything clever like packets of coffee or gimmicks that will annoy you. I've left spaces at the tops of the dang chapters for you to do your little doodles, if you so desire. But please, please I beg of you, don't ask me to re-format the story just to sub to you. I have better things to do with my time. Like write.
*Takes deep breath*
That's all.
Bravo for the rant, Anon!
ReplyDeleteMy favorite line:
When you open the envelope it doesn't play 'Pomp and Circumstance'
LOL
Okay... day late and a dollar short but I think this is the only (and safest place) I can share this little rant:
ReplyDeleteCritique group members who are out for all they can take.
I belong to an online critique forum and most the people on there are wonderful and helpful. But in the past month someone new was wandered on and they won't critique. Instead of posting along the set up system this person will place huge posts on the forum, beg for feedback, and guilt trip anyone who ignores them.
They went so far as to send e-mails with attachments to some people....
And they don't take a hint.
So, yeah, I'm peeved. If I critique someone I do it with the expectation that they'll return the favor when I need some advice on my newest revision of chapter 3. I don't like being used....
*sighs*
Okay- sorry Authoress, I think I needed to gett hat off my chest. :o)
On to rewrites!
I like to add one about an agent I thought about querying.
ReplyDeleteAmong the guidelines that were stated on the websitem, a self adhesive #10 envelope was an absolute. If your submission didn't have this particular item, your submission was filed away in the circular file, never to see the light of day again. Nor would you get a response either.
Just got back from a mission trip in Jamaica, and the kids there call any kind of treat "chocolate" (except hard candies, which they call "sweeties"). We gave them NutriGrain bars and they called them chocolates. We saw many examples of depravity there, but that about sent me over the edge.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you on the "author" vs. "writer" thing. In the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary, the first definition of author is simply "one that originates or creates." In The Free Dictionary, the first definition of author is "the writer of a book, article, or other text." It doesn't that the text must be published, and doesn't require it to be a book rather than an article.
ReplyDeleteI think the distinction of "author" as only applying to writers with published books is a distinction only made by writers themselves--or authors, as the case may be. I never heard that distinction made until a few years ago, and I've been surprised how forceful some people seem about it now, as if it would be a major faux pas to call someone without a published book an "author."
It reminds me of when I did drama in high school. People in drama said that "theatre" (with the British spelling) referred to the discipline as a whole, while "theater" referred to a building or performance space in which one might see live theatre performed. I still follow those spelling rules for it myself, but according to dictionaries, the two words are interchangeable in the US, and I suspect any distinction is lost on anyone who doesn't "do theatre"! (And many people who do.)
Oops, I left out a word! In the last sentence of the first paragraph, I meant to say it "doesn't specify that the book must be published." (Of course, one might argue that it's not a book until it's published....)
ReplyDeletePet peeves?
ReplyDeleteMorons in general. %-)
That is all.
~Merc
MERC!!!
ReplyDeleteROFLMBO!!!!!
Thanks SO MUCH for the belly laughter in my hazy-eyed, pre-bedtime state.
You rock, girl!