Commercial fiction
Title: Third one out
The phone rang on Thursday night. I don’t remember which end it rang from, but I do know I was going
to talk to my little sister Crystal. Crystal was the youngest of three. She as long as I could remember had
chocolate color hair and big beautiful brown eyes. So was kind of stringy and goofy looking for most of
her life. When she was born I was fifteen years old and my other sister was twelve. It came as a shock
to my mom when she found out she was pregnant, since she had her tubes tied. She was born early,
about two and half month too early. She was as big as a doll and needed special diapers. I was always
scared to hold her, other then that she was a prefect baby.
noticed that she was not her usual happy self. I could mostly hear it in her voice. Then it hit me like a Mac truck running on all cylinders, words I would never forget. Of chores it started with a story before the bomb was drop right into my lap. It started about this girl who was her friend for some time. I think since she was about eight, I am not really sure.
There's a lot of backstory and telling here. Sorry, but it's a no.
ReplyDeleteI'm confused. I couldn't tell what was going on. Another young voice -which for me personally is of no interest but even taking that into account there was nothing that pulled me to read on.
ReplyDeletewhat does - which end it rang from - mean?
This doesn't work for me. I don't understand what's going on and there are quite a few grammatical and spelling errors that tripped me up. It reads a bit like quickly scribbled notes for a story you haven't written yet, kind of like revving your engines. I like the idea of a slow but beautiful sister. The conflict is inherent and sets it up for plenty of drama.
ReplyDeleteI think it's the backstory that really slips this up. It's difficult to find where the present starts and how to lock into the story you're telling there.
ReplyDeleteThere's some nice description, but some of it could probably wait until the reader gets to know your MC and her feelings first.
This is a miss for me. The grammatical errors are simply too overwhelming to be able to grasp the narrative intent.
ReplyDeleteAck! Word mob!!!
ReplyDeleteNo... look at your keyboard. Do you see the key marked "enter" ? You need to use it. This big chunks of infodump are just scary to look at.
Pass.
You certainly know a lot about your characters, but you need to bring that info in more slowly and more naturally.
ReplyDeleteAll of this information is great for you to know, but the reader doesn't need to know all of it, and especially not right away.
No... I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteErm... you do not need some of the information in the first paragraph. It looks like it was just thrown in and it interupts the flow. Nobody cares what Crystal looks like or how old all the sisters are. And the last paragraph was a little too confusing for me.
If this is a teenage drama, I'm not sure why it would matter to her thirty year old sister, you know? Once you get into your twenties, you really stop taking those dramas seriously, especially if it's coming from your baby sister.
The prose needs some cleaning up. A little time editing would do wonders and really bring out that voice. It's hidden in there, beneath some of the grammar errors.
ReplyDeleteUm, it's a no for me. Ditto on the comments about the spelling and grammatical errors--they detract from the story, as does all the unnecessary backstory.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the line I don’t remember which end it rang from didn't make sense to me. Phones ring from a handset, not from an end.
Not hooked.
ReplyDeleteGrammatical errors were tough to get through. Too much was in the past and not a whole lot was going on in the current.
I do like sister stories, but I don't have an inkling as to where this one is going as far as plot/conflict. Just seems like a normal day.
Sorry, but this is a pass for me.
ReplyDeleteNeither the voice, nor the story grabbed me.