TITLE: Promise of a Stranger
GENRE: Literary/Commercial fiction
My brother warned me about taking rides from strangers. But the shelter I'd been promised sounded more inviting than the street, and this stranger's warm apartment protected me from the bitter rain better than the cold, brick wall where he found me resting.
He told me to call him Nick. His unfamiliar diction processed like a foreign language in my ears when he asked: "Is there someone you need to call? You know, let them know you're okay?"
Light from his open fridge door sliced across my body. Words and images - painful, frantic - ricocheted inside my pounding head. Heather, you get on that bus and go straight to Memphis. I'll call Aunt Lily and tell her you're on your way.
Chattering teeth turned my one-syllable answer into a stutter. "N-n-no." A shiver quaked my body despite my folded arms.
Worry would cripple my brother when I didn't show up, but I couldn't go to Lily's. Not like this.
No matter how bad I looked, her pious husband would send me back as soon as he found out about…
No matter how bad I looked, her pious husband would send me back as soon as he found out about…
The fridge door shut; the stranger stepped closer. I scrambled back until my butt hit a chair. Reaching around me, he produced a blanket that unfolded like a Jacob's ladder in his grip.
"You look cold," he addressed my panic with a curiously cocked eyebrow.
A black bracelet of pain - part of my eighteenth birthday present - emerged from beneath the cuff of my fleece jacket . . .
"A black bracelet of pain"...
ReplyDeleteShould I know what that is? If not, I want to know. That last sentence really drew me in, I was unsure about the story until I read that. It definitely hooked me.
Good job!
:) Terri
I think a black bracelet of pain might be a bruise, but I'm curious.
ReplyDeleteYep.
I'm intrigued and want to know why an eighteen year old woman was being "sent" somewhere on a bus, and why she was on the street instead. I'm also very worried for her because this Nick guy makes me wary. I'm concerned she's so naive, but I'd read on to find out what would motivate her to be so trusting of a stranger.
ReplyDeleteI am immediately drawn in and wondering what would drive this girl to put herself in such a precarious situation rather than go to this person Lily's house. And what was it they would find out about her?
ReplyDeleteWasn't real sure what the "black bracelet of pain" was but thinking maybe the anonymous poster was correct that it's a bruise.
Nice start to this. You've piqued my interest, and that's what keeps me reading...
I wonder just why she accepted shelter from this stranger. Even outinthe cold rain her instincts would have warned her to beware. What did he say that swayed her? Because I need to be swayed too so I can believe her decision.
ReplyDeleteYOu have some very nice images in here - the light of the fridge door slicing across her body, the blanket that unfolds like a Jacob's ladder but I'm insecure about the narrator. I don't feel her desperation and I need that to show me why she's here and not at her aunt's.
Yes for me.
ReplyDeleteAlthough, I want a new first line. Your current opening is catchy, but it also feels like a cliche.
I am sorry to say this one missed me for a couple of reasons. Too many characters are introduced right away, we got the brother, the stranger named Nick, Heather the protagonist, Aunt Lily, and Uncle “pious”. All of this amounts to a form of “dumping” where the narrative comes off as forced because there is a rush to set the scene and the players. Also, the opening line, although clichéd, didn’t bug me, but it didn’t fit the following narrative as taking rides is different than being in some stranger’s house which confused me. Finally “unfolded like a Jacob’s Ladder” and ‘black bracelet of pain” didn’t read as smoothly as intended.
ReplyDeleteI think a bit of overwriting scared me off. For example:
ReplyDelete"he addressed my panic with a curiously cocked eyebrow"
I know a writer's "voice" shouldn't be discounted, but for this reader, it's a bit too much.
I am quite intrigued with this one - how has she ended up in this situation and is the stranger a good or bad guy?
ReplyDeleteBut I would agree with what someone else said about it feeling a tad over-written. Some of the descriptions feel like too much.
Not quite hooked. Some of the imagery seemed a little forced and didn't quite read as smoothly as I desire in literary fiction.
ReplyDeleteScale back some of the imagery. Less is more. Make each bit work for you and also toward the whole.
Then again, I'm picky when it comes to lit fic.
I'll add to the chorus and say I liked it as well.
ReplyDeleteI think it tends to be a little overwrought in places though... don't try too hard to show off your vocab and wordplay. For instance, the diction in the man's question is neither unfamiliar nor foreign sounding, but I can tell you really enjoyed writing that sentence. If you like the sentence that much, then change the man's voice to something foreign and strange. If it's more important the man sounds normal, then cut the "diction" sentence.
There are a few other places where you can tone down the fancy wordplay but other than that, I liked it and would read more. Keep up the good work.
I think there are a few spots that could benefit from trimming, but the overall scene and the character are intriguing.
ReplyDeleteI'm not quite hooked, but I think I easily could be.
No- I was following you right up until the black bracelet of pain. That just threw me for a loop.
ReplyDeleteBut what killed it for me is the character isn't being smart. Going to a strangers house? Isn't that asking to get tortured and killed? Has she never seen an episode of CSI?
I just want to shake some sense into the MC, not spend several hours reading about her mistakes.
Possibly - wouldn't an 18 year old know better than to go with a stranger, esp to his apt?
ReplyDeletemaybe you're intending to show how desperate she is, but I'm not sure it came across that way
I was hooked. You set up a kareeeepy atmosphere.
ReplyDeleteNo matter how bad I looked, her pious husband would send me back as soon
ReplyDeleteThis line hooked me... mainly because I wondered in what she'd done. I mean, rather than face her uncle, she's overnighting with strangers. That alone would send a 'pious' person into a tizzy.
The bracelet of pain makes me think though...
I'm pretty sure that this is going to be one of those abused women who ran away from their abusive husbands. And her uncle would be the type to tell her that her duty was to her husband.
This COULD very well be depressing, looking at this from that point of view. But I do like this and would read on. :)
It's a No from me. I tried to ground myself in the setting, but it kept escaping my grasp. Where are these characters? When is this happening? I'm a big believer in centering your reader right off the bat with a concrete mention of where/when we are, and I just couldn't hold on to that aspect here. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteTentatively hooked.
ReplyDeleteInteresting premise, how she was sent somewhere but ended up here, and how her brother would be worried about her. She's in some kind of trouble but she's got family to help, and now she's with this stranger.
A lot of questions. I would read on to learn more and find the answers.
I think you may have an interesting premise here and I'd probably turn the page, but it's not in the "can't put it down" category for me.
ReplyDeleteI was really thrown by his "diction" since I couldn't get a clear "view" of him.