Title: A Mask Of Beauty
Genre: Historical Romance
Antonia stared at the gown with its low, tight fitting bodice of dark green silk overlaid with cream-colored lace. She wondered once again what had made her choose it for tonight's ball, with all the sorrowful memories it carried in its delicate folds. She nodded at her nursemaid, who bent down with a groan and helped her wriggle into the garment. Holding on to the maid's hand, she steadied herself, her vision going blurry. The gown had been a favorite of Lady Eleanor’s, and sorrow weighed down her limbs at the thought. Antonia sighed. "I am exactly her image." But the knowledge was small comfort.
As her stout nursemaid began lacing her gown with sausage-like fingers, Antonia smoothed out a single wrinkle in the exquisite fabric. She fluffed out the full, draping skirts, carefully releasing the lace covering of her sleeve from its catch on her jeweled rings.
Antonia’s lips pursed slightly. The esteemed Lady Eleanor was in the grave and Antonia wore this exquisite gown in her memory. She would go to the ball in her place tonight. Antonia’s eyes welled up with tears. These she dashed away angrily, trembling with fury and pain, guilt and sorrow. "I killed my mother," she thought. Her throat tightened and she fought to swallow her grief. Suddenly overcome with anger at herself, she chased away these thoughts, lifting her head proudly and blinking back tears which clung to her eyelashes, threatening to spill down her cheeks.
Miss Snark's First Victim
The paragraphs run a bit long for my tastes, but I know that with Historical romance, that is often the case.
ReplyDeleteYou do an awful lot of telling, and very little showing IMHO. The fact that she is responsible for her mother's death is intriguing, but it seems to be overshadowed a bit by all the description. I'd rather know that FIRST.
I'd read on, because I LOVE the genre, but not sure I'm hooked YET.
I agree about the telling. Too much, and it's not very compelling, but maybe that's how historical fiction is supposed to be? It's not a genre I read.
ReplyDeleteWork on polishing your work before submitting to a contest like this. For example, As her stout nursemaid began lacing her gown with sausage-like fingers is saying her gown had sausage-like fingers, but I think you mean the fingers belong to the nursemaid. Mistakes like this will stop most agents/editors from reading more.
Sorry, not hooked. It's too much telling. It sounds like it's a very nice dress, but I'd want to know what is the possible conflict.
ReplyDeleteThis didn’t draw me in until I read the “I killed my mother,” line. Then I perked up. I’d redo the opening and start with that thought.
ReplyDeleteI'd start with a smaller paragraph just for hooks sake, but you have a great start here.
ReplyDeleteThis would benefit greatly by opening with the I killed my mother line. Also, some of your phrasing is off (for example the dress doesn’t have sausage fingers) and sorry to say I was not able to lose myself in the narrative enough to want to continue the read. This is just too much dress and not enough everything else. This may be remedied by playing around with opening and getting a stronger first line.
ReplyDeleteNo- This isn't a compelling opening and I'm afraid the word mob put me off. Shorter paragraphs, more white space, and an opening that does not involved getting dressed please.
ReplyDelete"I killed my mother" needs to be your opening line! What a great start that would be!
ReplyDeleteI agree with the others that there is too much telling here, but I must also confess to not generally reading this genre.
I'll echo the "I killed my mother" line as the hook.
ReplyDeleteI'm not crazy about starting off with a dress description... that ordinarily would be a huge turnoff for me (I've been wounded by reading way to many stories with people standing in front of mirrors giving themselves the self-examination)
ReplyDeleteI do like this though - it has the right feel to it. For lack of better words... nice workings.
It's a no, mostly because you focus on a tiny element of world building here (i.e., the dress) and don't mention any kind of conflict or plot here. The mother being dead, and Antonia's guilt over it, aren't really strong enough to carry a novel, IMHO. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteI also support the suggestion to take the last paragraph forward, so you have your hook right at the start. All the details of a dress will not hook many people.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
ReplyDeleteProbably not my genre, but I don't find a woman getting dressed very engaging. There are little hints of conflict with her dead mother and all, but I wasn't really drawn in by the MC's POV on the matter.
I was reminded of the movie Rebecca with how the dress had a 'history' but I didn't get the emotion to the 'history' implied here...or how important the ball is.
Thanks for your comments, everyone.
ReplyDeleteThis was written quite some time ago, and I'm attempting to make it workable. God only knows where I'm going with it. :P