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Thursday, September 11, 2008

Drop The Needle #1

Title of Work: Blood Heir
Genre: Young Adult




The door to the cabin squeaks, and I freeze in shock before jumping into action and slamming the bathroom door shut. I turn the little lock sideways so that no one can enter. Then I turn to the sink. It escapes me whether I should wash my hand with cold water first or take out the shards.

There‘s a knock on the door. “Irena?”

My breathing quickens and I turn on the water full blast. Hopefully it will drown out the calling voice and I’ll be left alone. I dunk my hand under the flow, and soon the water runs red into the drain. My teeth grind together as my hand explodes into fiery pain. I grip the edge of the sink with my other hand and try to concentrate on squeezing the white porcelain. The heavy flow of water presses the shards further into my hand and a cry escapes me.

“Irena! Open the g**-damn door!” It is the voice of the man who had brought me the clean clothes. “Irena!” I hear the waggling of the door handle.

It hurts, and more blood flows out at an alarming rate. I slide to the floor, but my shaking hand stays under the water. Maybe it’ll numb if the water becomes cold enough.






EMOTION: Emotion: pain/fear
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17 comments:

  1. Liana BrooksSeptember 11, 2008 at 10:40 AM

    Good. I've seen this before but the character sounds desperate, depressed, very worried. I'm concerned for her.

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  2. Luc2September 11, 2008 at 10:46 AM

    She seemed scared and bewildered to me. I'm not sure "pain" is an emotion, more a sensation. But i have to admit, I always struggle with how to name emotions.

    Yes, I would rad on, based on the emotions here.

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  3. AuthoressSeptember 11, 2008 at 10:55 AM

    The physical pain was fairly poignant. The sentence "Hopefully it will drown out the calling voice and I’ll be left alone." made me think she was more angry/annoyed than fearful. Though I remember other excerpts from this story, and I think the fear would be an ongoing emotion in this chapter.

    There is an immediacy about this scene that I really like!

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  4. Christina Graham ParkerSeptember 11, 2008 at 11:03 AM

    I see both pain and fear. I normally don't like second person, but I'd keep reading this.

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  5. queenofmeanSeptember 11, 2008 at 11:35 AM

    Pain and fear were my thoughts on what was being conveyed. I think you did a great job with this. The reader can feel her desperation in her actions.

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  6. AnonymousSeptember 11, 2008 at 12:37 PM

    Yes, I got the sense of fear from her freezing for a moment, and slamming the door, etc.. One thing I wondered is why she's afraid of this guy, she hasn't really said too much about why she's running away from him. In that sense, I felt a little confused - he brought her clean clothes, yet she is afraid of him, he seems nice, yet he swears at her. I guess that's the drop the needle nature, though!

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  7. AnonymousSeptember 11, 2008 at 12:52 PM

    psst. Explanation of her fear is because he and two other people kidnapped her and they're flying out of the country now. ;)

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  8. feywriterSeptember 11, 2008 at 2:11 PM

    It comes across to me more as desperation than fear, but that could be blamed on missing the setup. You conveyed the pain quite well. Great tension. I would read more.

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  9. AnonymousSeptember 11, 2008 at 2:18 PM

    The pain came through loud and clear. Lots of tension. Poor girl!

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  10. AnonymousSeptember 11, 2008 at 6:25 PM

    I knew you were trying to convey Pain, because you used the word and that ruined it for me.

    I didn't get the fear, more anxiousness.

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  11. D L JacksonSeptember 11, 2008 at 6:57 PM

    She seemed disconected. I didn't get fear, she seemed to calm for that, thinking that the sound of the water would drown the voice. I also didn't get pain, more shock.

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  12. LoriStronginSeptember 11, 2008 at 7:03 PM

    I get pain, but not really fear. The emotions here seemed forced to me. Ex: as my hand explodes into fiery pain-- just seems like cliche words thrown together to Tell us how she's hurting, but not really Showing us.

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  13. Amy LaurensSeptember 11, 2008 at 8:28 PM

    :S I'm still not convinced about first person on this - I think that's what's causing the distancing effect that Dawn noted, and why some people are having trouble spotting the 'fear'.

    For me, pain was the dominant image, but also, rather than fear, an irritation or anger at them for what they are doing to her.

    I'd read on, despite my hesitancy over the first person in this instance. :)

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  14. Jeanne Ryan (Serenissima)September 12, 2008 at 11:17 AM

    Pain and nervousness.

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  15. goldchevySeptember 12, 2008 at 1:06 PM

    Great description of the pain. I really felt it. I felt desperation too and wondered if she had done this to herself on purpose.

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  16. AnonymousSeptember 12, 2008 at 7:16 PM

    She sounds absolutely panicked. Great job on the emotion here. I've been in the same position a couple times (paper cutters are evil) and when the blood just keeps gushing out, it is really easy to get freaked.

    I'm not sure if we are supposed to do minicrits...

    A couple things occurred to me. When she was holding her hand under the water, why didn't she pick out the shards of glass (I assume it was glass) then? The other thing is I have a mental picture of somebody with an extraordinarily long arm with her sitting on the floor with her hand in the sink.

    Personally speaking, I would have run the hand under the water, picked out the shards, and then wrapped my hand up tightly in a towel or rag. I've done that. The first instinct is to cover the hand so as not to see the damage. Also, holding it tight numbs the pain...

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  17. AnonymousSeptember 14, 2008 at 12:16 PM

    Thanks for all your comments.
    They were helpful and appreciated.
    :)

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