Title: Teen Ecoforce: Rhino Rescue
Genre: Middle Grade Fiction
“Hey!” Theodore turned his wide eyes on Tyler. “Do you have your cell phone?”
Tyler frowned at him.
“Oh, yeah.” Theodore looked away.
Tyler was now seeing some benefits to the bogus seizure of his cell phone. At least it was locked away safe in the vice-principal’s office. But his relief was cut short when he reached into his pant’s pocket to check for his iPod.
“What the . . . ,” he said as he turned his pockets inside-out. “Where’s my iPod?” Not having a cell phone was painful enough. But he couldn’t even remember life before his iPod.
He turned circles, not even noticing the mini dust vortex that rose up and swirled around him. Chill, man.. Just chill out, he said to himself. He took a deep breath, got a lungful of dirt as the vortex settled, and started coughing like a mad man.
“You know bringing an iPod with you to school is against the rules,” Theodore scolded.
“We didn’t have school today, geek,” Tyler managed to say, between hacks. “We had the field trip, remember.” For a smart guy Theodore wasn’t that smart.
“It doesn’t matter, the rules count because it was a school-endorsed field trip.
I’m going to tell Ms. Peterson.”
“You piece of crap,” Tyler said, approaching him.
Emotion: Massive Irritation
Confusion and fear.
ReplyDeleteTheodore is a bit odd. A geeky kid maybe? Or a bully? I can't tell from this blurb
I got a sense of disorientation from the piece.
ReplyDeleteIt also seemed like quite an amusing piece - not sure if it was meant to.
He sounds more annoyed than anything else. Nice edge of humor to his character.
ReplyDeleteTyler seems annoyed about being stuck with Theodore, then apprehensive at the loss of his iPod and then gets aggressive.
ReplyDeleteNice work
Sorry, but I saw more confusion than irritation, save for one line at the end. I did, however, see several grammar errors throughout.
ReplyDeleteThe irritation doesn't come through until the end. Anxiety over losing the iPod fills most of the scene.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking more "pre-adolescent angst."
ReplyDeleteI've got to ask you -- do youngsters say "chill" these days? It was big when I was .... ur, a youngster. A number of years ago, I told some unruly kids in a public place to "chill out" and they stared at me like I was a big moron speaking an Indonesian dialect. Has the term come back into fashion?
I got irritation, particularly when he begins to spin and tell himself to chill out.
ReplyDeleteI think this might be a little rough... I kept eyeballing things that needed to be fixed (in my opinion, not necessarily everyone else's though).
ReplyDeleteUm... dismay and anger? It sounds like your regular downtrodden and rebelling against the unfair world teenager... :)
*Peeks* Oh yes - irritation. I do get that.