January 2, 1945.
Sirens. Piercing, screeching sirens. I popped upright in bed, my ears ringing.
I’d slept in my clothes.
Plunked my helmet on, and with the others, scrambled through moonless darkness to the Flak stations. My mind was numb, but somewhere in its deep recesses I knew, this was it.
Hands shaking, breath heaving, we worked to load the Flak guns. “And, ready!” Finkelmann yelled.
I lit the fuse.
“Fire!”
The earth trembled. The thrust of the explosion nearly threw me over.
Bomb after bomb fell; the ground rumbled and waved ceaselessly—I struggled to keep my footing. Orange blasts blotted the dark horizon. Our searchlights scored the skies without rhythm or rhyme; there were more aircraft than we could track. And no Luftwaffe. We had no air support at all.
The explosions tore through the streets, the fields without pause.
Then frenzy and wild-eyed panic.
“Firestorm!”
The city of Nuremberg screamed-- glowing flames enveloped the streets, entombing buildings.
We dove for cover.
Hot. So hot.
The heat sealed my eyes together. I couldn’t see. I stayed down, ducking.
“Get up, Radke!” Finkelmann was frantic. I managed to stand, forced my legs to obey my commands. Peeled open my eyes. I loaded the Flak gun, lit the fuse.
We’re hit!
The earth gave way. I lost my footing, fell hard.
The bunkers exploded, snapping like popcorn. The world was on fire.
EMOTION: Fear
There's a lot of energy here. And I can see it. But I'm not getting an emotion from the character. He ought to be excited, energized, scared maybe... But it's not coming across right here. That might be the 250 though, during a battle a lot of people react, they aren't thinking. I expect the fear to come after.
ReplyDeleteFear or panic. There are some telling sentences in there, which helped me. In all the action, it was hard to discern. I'm, not sure if I would read on, and if I would, it would be more based on the action then on the emotion.
ReplyDeleteThis is scary, like "Is this the end of the world?" scary. And we all know (or should know) the history of World War II, but we don't often experience the FEAR of situations like this.
ReplyDeleteGood job.
(Does heat REALLY seal eyelids shut? I thought that was a particularly strong sentence.)
I see glimpses of the fear, but more action than anything. I think more internals would help convey the fear a bit more.
ReplyDeleteI like how you showed the immediacy of the situation. I'd say there's a bit more panic than fear, but towards the end I could feel a hint of fear.
ReplyDeleteI felt despair more than fear. The MC seems to numb, too accepting, for fear.
ReplyDeleteYou really drew me in with this scene, and though I wouldn't personally describe the feeling as 'fear' it certainly was raw. I'd probably go more for 'panic' but in a situation like this one, they're related :-) There were a couple of words that caught me off guard and made me think this was going to be a little more lighthearted though--popped and plunked at the start both brought me out of the narrative. I'd read on!
ReplyDeleteGood descriptive sentences here, but really no emotion, IMHO. Radke narrates the scene very well, but doesn't seem to put himself in the scene.
ReplyDeleteI got a feeling of urgency, like the character was on autopilot. Well written for the scene. I can see in a situation like this that there are those who panic and those who shift into another mode, no time to fear or think of anything else. I see this as one of those situations and I think it added a realistic element to the battle.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I didn't really get 'fear' from him as such. The autopilot thing could work, if that's what you're going for, but if you wanted to show more of his fear you could put in some internal thoughts and feelings, rather than just action.
ReplyDeleteDepends on what you want to do with it :)
At first it felt more like mindless resignation from exhaustion before the fear kicked in.
ReplyDeleteHi - my impression without cheating (I'll look after I'm done).
ReplyDeleteNumb shock. I get the idea that the person is working too hard to stop and really dwell on his emotions, but they show nevertheless.