Genre: Science Fiction
“Good. Right, Ice I have a plan,” Maggie said.
“Plans are always welcome at a juncture such as this,” Ice said.
“This guy doesn’t need to be alive does he?”
“Alive is not a requirement,” Ice said tightly. He tried to wire the guns again. They sparked, stinging his hand.
“Just sit tight, Ice, I think I know what I’m doing.”
“Excellent, glad to hear your weapons are back.” Ice pulled his hands away from the console before he broke something in desperation. He needed life support more than guns. He looked for Maggie’s symbol on the screen but couldn’t find her.
“Maggie?” Ice hit the malfunctioning unit. The screen displayed one symbol. One.
“Maggie?” Ice’s mind raced has he tried to deconstruct the data he was seeing. “Maggie what are you doing?”
Ice slammed his fists into the console leaving dents. “Maggie, pull-up, you’re going to get caught in the planets gravity well. Maggie… Maggie, there isn’t anywhere to land. Maggie? Maggie! Listen to me!”
“The front end of my fighter is tangled with his engine block,” Maggie responded calmly.
Again Ice’s mind rebelled against the proffered information. There was no reality in which he could accept that Maggie was headed spinning at a steep incline toward the surface of a water planet. That would mean death, and death was completely outside the accepted parameters for the mission.
“Maggie, release. Hit the emergency release and go out of canopy. You have enough oxygen to last until pick up.”
Silence.Emotion: Panic/frustration/fear/loss
Yes, I felt it.
ReplyDeleteI HATE scenes like this in movies because they make me so tense. LOL So if I'm "seeing" a movie scene when I'm reading, that's a good bet that there's tension, good pacing in the scene.
What happened to Maggie??? (See, I'm tense! :D)
There's the telling bit about desperation. He seems to lose control, banging everything in frustration.
ReplyDeleteWorked for me. I'd read on.
It took me a few sentences to capture the scene, but once I did, I totally got the fear.
ReplyDeleteAuthoress.... read book 2 to find out...
ReplyDeletehehe. *waves to friend*
ReplyDeleteI got the feel of desperation and frustration. :)
Good job!
Yes, I feel it, between the pounding and his refusal to accept what is going on. The one part that took me out of it was when he said that death was outside of the acceptable parameters of the mission - that seems very cerebral.
ReplyDeletePanic and fear. It was a little hard to get over the technical dialogue and stuff but I got it.
ReplyDeletePanic and frustration came thru to me. Yelling her name and slamming the console. I'm not sure that I sensed loss yet tho. Not being sure of the relationship, he might have just been mad that she left him alone to do whatever job needed done.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on. The story caught my attention.
I got the panic and fear. But I thought we were only supposed to display one emotion.
ReplyDeleteI think it's fear/panic, but the dialogue which supports that doesn't seem to support the inner thoughts at the end of the section.
ReplyDeleteNot panic so much as utter disbelief at what Maggie is doing :D
ReplyDeleteHis cerebrality contradicts panic - Ice never panics, dear ;) - but the disbelief, the slight sense of fear are all there :)
Frustration and desperation more than anything else. We have to wait until book 2 to find out what happens to Maggie?!
ReplyDeleteHooked, line and sinker.
Well..... Maggie is....no. You have to wait.
ReplyDeleteSorry %-)
Panic.
ReplyDeleteI like your dialogue - it shows first his anxiety and then his full blow panic when Maggie (ship or ship robot?) momentarily zonks out.
I think the setting was a little fuzzy or confusing, but I blame that on the 250 select words. And I think you repeated his name too much. But over all this looks good.