TITLE: In Hell as On Earth
GENRE: urban fantasy
SUMMARY: Heckler is looking for answers to all the crap that keeps
happening in the last two days (including multiple attempts on his
life, and the destruction of house, car, and property). He goes to see
an incubus who lives on the collage campus in hopes of finding some
answers.
"It works like this." Heckler shoved the demon up against the wall.
"You have two minutes to answer my questions or I start breaking
things."
"Yeah, I'm all scared, oooh." Set-fel folded his arms over his chest.
"Just talk, man. It's not like I've got all night to oblige."
"What the hell is going on?"
Set-fel smirked. "I have two sexy females downstairs waiting on me. I
though that was obvious even to you."
Heckler took a slow breath and didn't pull his Glock out. Yet. "Two
dead angels fall out of the sky and wreck my office. One of my
co-workers has vanished and I'm blaming Baal. I get skydiving runaway
demons crashing in my back yard. Is there something going on below I
should know about?"
Set-fel looked at him innocently. "Come again?"
Heckler slammed Set-fel against the wall, harder. "Stop screwing around."
The demon winced. "I'm not even naked yet, how could I?"
Heckler wasn't amused at the succubus. "You have two seconds. Give me
the names of who would know what the f*** is going on." He pulled his
Glock out and aimed it at Set-fel's groin. "One."
The demon paled. "Um, no call for that. Who says there's anything going on?"
Heckler flipped the safety off. "Two."
Set-fel cringed. "Okay, lighten up. I don't keep up with all the
goings on down there, you know? Waaaay too depressing sometimes." He
rolled his eyes. "But I know who would know."
Miss Snark's First Victim
I think the dialogue here works. I get that they're both fast-talking and hard-headed. Set-fel is a wiseacre, and Heckler is one ticked off dude.
ReplyDeleteOther than the grammatical errors, this is great! Attitudes come through clear as a bell.
ReplyDeleteHeckler's voice is great. I really felt his anger. I think Set-fel should sound more whiney--or something to distinguish him more from Heckler. In other words, I don't like Set-fel and I want the way he speaks to reinforce that feeling more.
ReplyDeleteI could hear both characters talking when reading. They both seemed quite distinctive.
ReplyDeleteThis is so not my typical genre, but I was totally into the story. Excellent work.
ReplyDeleteI definitely liked this--it reminds me a bit of Neil Gaiman's Good Omens. I definitely see who both these characters are, and want to read more!
ReplyDeleteHmm, I agree with goldchevy that you could make Set-fel's voice stand out a bit more from Heckler. ;)
ReplyDeleteThanks, everyone! :D Appreciate the comments. B-)
ReplyDeleteYeah, I do need to differentiate Set-fel better ;) and it's something I'll keep in mind when I get to him again.
Ta! :D
~Merc
Aside from the topics they don't stand out as well as they could. Fun read though :o)
ReplyDelete