TITLE: Emergence of the Fey
GENRE: Fantasy
"You did it again!" Marian blinked soap-stung eyes. "Quit talking with your hands and concentrate."
"I'm sorry. I haven't seen him for so long." Terra's hands resumed lathering Marian's hair.
"Your tinker will be here soon enough. Rinse my hair, then talk about him all you want."
Marian perched on the edge of the bed. Terra, brown hair already washed and braided, knelt behind and ran a brush through her sister's tangled blonde curls. Marian looked out the small window, soothed by the familiar tugging on her scalp.
A door crashed, shaking the whole house. Marian cringed as the brush yanked her head back. She barely heard the door slam shut again, overshadowed as it was by the accompanying rough voice. "Where's my hot breakfast?"
Terra moaned. "Why couldn't business keep Hayden away until after Courtship?"
Marian snatched the brush from her sister's limp hand and shoved it in the single dresser drawer. "Hurry! You don't want another one of Father's talks."
"He's not my father."
"All the more reason he'll turn on you. You don't want your tinker showing up while you're nursing a black eye." She sighed as she pulled on a long tunic. Somehow falling in love had dampened Terra's fear of Hayden. It was all a mystery to her.
Terra waited by the door, a pout still on her face. Marian rolled her eyes, but gave her older sister's hand a squeeze. "At least you don't have to worry about the worst of Father's attentions."
Miss Snark's First Victim
Bit of a posting SNAFU there at the end. Overall, good, except the hint of vile attentions is a but of a turn off. I'd read the back of the book and I'd probably want a recommendation stating that, no, we don't have to see anything like that.
ReplyDeleteAbuse like that isn't something I like to read.
But, since I've seen this opening before, I do like this much, much, better. You've done a very good job addressing all the problems I had with the earlier draft. Yay for you!
The opening dialog doesn't do much for me. Sorry, I am definitely not hooked. Nathan Bransford has a recent blog entry all about opening a story with dialog and just how difficult it is to do well (see http://nathanbransford.blogspot.com/2008/10/about-those-books-beginning-with.html).
ReplyDeleteI still like the concept here. It is much improved from the last time I read it.
ReplyDeleteIf this were my genre, I'd read on.
I'm not hooked just quite yet, but I think that might be because we don't know who the POV character in this section is until half-way through.
ReplyDeleteI'm not hooked, and I'm not sure why. The writing is fine. Maybe the dialogue isn't engaging me? Maybe I'm not feeling the tension?
ReplyDeleteI like this better than its previous incarnation. Good improvements! The title, the talk of tinkers and Courtship, and the vague insinuations about Hayden all interest me. I'd keep reading!
ReplyDeleteMuch improved over the last version. All the talk of hair washing didn't really engage me, I'd look to trim those words down and add alittle more character and tension to the dialogue. Sorry, not quite hooked yet.
ReplyDeleteI do like how this adds some backstory detail in without being obvious, but I'm just not feeling enchanted. I'm not a reader of this kind of YA, but what hooks me regardless is character. Work on making your characters deeper, even on first glance; if you're writing a fairy story, there's a temptation to mimic fairy tale language, and that keeps your characters flat. Add details that make them seem real and full of life. I also balked at the suggestion of sexual abuse ahead, it didn't seem to fit with the tone.
ReplyDeleteYes, I'm hooked. :)
ReplyDeleteAt first I wondered if this was going to be a Cinderella type story (sister forced to wait on pampered sibling). But that doesn't seem to be the case as I read on. Cool.
I do think it's better than the last version I read, but I'm not entirely hooked here. I'm not sure what it was... nothing really jumped out at me, sorry.
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc
I'd keep reading, because what you've revealed of the plot sounds intriguing, and I like the genre. I'm not sure I connect with the characters from just this bit -- they seem a bit distanced to me -- but I'd give them a chance.
ReplyDelete