TITLE: The Edge of Memory
GENRE: Suspenseful Women's Fiction
Although Beatrice didn't remember the first time she'd stood on this porch thirty years ago, she couldn't have felt more lost than she did at this moment.
Amalthea Greyson wasn't ever supposed to die.
Beatrice took a deep breath and twisted the knob on the old front door. A month…could it really be that long? She dragged the flattened boxes into the foyer and inhaled the mixture of wood, books, and potpourri. The smell was familiar, but not the cold. Or the silence.
She felt as hollow as her footsteps. Shivering, she turned and swung the heavy door closed, then nudged up the thermostat. Her head fogged and she steadied herself with a hand on the buffet. She should have eaten breakfast. Or dinner the night before.
Determined not to collapse in the same spot as the night Thea took her in, Beatrice shook her head clear and stepped into the living room. Her eyes scanned across the shelves of books and knick-knacks to the framed portraits coating the walls. She puffed out her cheeks. Better to get busy… nothing to be gained by breaking down again.
Pulling the packing tape from her pocket, she assembled four of the boxes. She labeled them, Beatrice, Stacey, Donate, and Sell.
Start at the beginning, she thought. And when you come to the end, stop. Just like the Mad Hatter says. She walked to the bookcase at the far end of the room and started the miserable job of "managing the estate."
Miss Snark's First Victim
What a very sad opening. It feels very final. There isn't a hook on this page to pull me forward into the rest of the story. If the query or back of the book were intriguing, I'd keep going, but just this page in isolation isn't enough.
ReplyDeleteI'm interested to find out what's going on - it is a very sad opening, but I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful atmosphere you have created. I related to your character immediately--her sorrow and lack of enthusiasm for her project. I'm hooked and would love to read more.
ReplyDeleteIt's sad, but I'd read on to find out what's going on. I like the style of the piece.
ReplyDeleteVery depressing. And what do you mean that Amalthea wasn't supposed to die ever? Is this a fantasy, because humans die...every one of them.
ReplyDeleteI got confused when Beatrice didn't want to collapse in the same spot (I thought maybe that was where Thea died).
Packing up boxes is boring. If you keep that move it from the first couple of pages. Hook your reader first and then throw that in.
At this point, I would not turn the page.
I know who you are!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteHave you every played around with starting with Beatrice finding the letter and bracelet? That would be a really strong hook into the mystery of what happened to her. Just a thought!
Strong and evocative writing. I'd definitely read on to see where it's going.
ReplyDeleteI love this piece! Evocative, sad, laden with mystery. Not only would I read more, I would buy this book if I'd picked it up from the shelf and read this first page. Well done!
ReplyDeleteI like the atmosphere and somber mood, but I'm afraid Beatrice clearing out the estate doesn't hook me into reading past the opening page. If I knew more about the plot, I might read further.
ReplyDeleteThis has some good language, but it's also making me a bit depressed. It's also reading as too thinky- it seems like a collection of reactions. My suggestion for this one is to take a hard look at your character's responses, and explore the less obvious ways that she would respond to this situation. It will help give her real depth.
ReplyDeleteThanks, everyone for your thoughts!
ReplyDeleteYou've given me food for thought, for sure. :)
I am considering cutting my current first chapter, so I was looking at this page as the starting place instead.
If anyone can tell me whether they like this beginning more or less than the other, I would greatly appreciate feedback on that.
My previous opening is:
Thea Greyson pulled David’s afghan close and pretended she could smell his pipe tobacco. A fluttery tapping sounded between the thunderclaps. “Now who could be calling at this hour?” she asked his picture as she rose from the armchair.
She peeked outside and then threw the door wide. “Good Heavens, child! You’re soaked to the bone.” Thea shuttled the girl indoors. “What’s a little girl like you doing out in a storm this bad?”
The girl shivered, slopping rainwater across the floor. “Mama said… but I felt so…” Her hands balled into fists and she clamped her lips together.
“I don’t see anything broke or bleeding.” Thea brushed ropes of soggy hair aside as she looked the child over. “You’re not from this town or I’d know your sweet face. You lost, honey?”
Large hazel eyes searched Thea’s for a moment, and then the girl nodded.
Thea smiled. “Don’t you worry. I’ll help you find your mama.”
The child sighed as Thea slipped the afghan around her shoulders. “Thanks, Missus.”
“What’s your name, sweets?”
The girl’s blue lips twitched and her chest quivered in quick shallow breaths. She shook her head as she backed away unsteadily. Her eyes glazed.
Before Thea could ask what was wrong, the girl’s head bowed forward and she slumped to the floor.
Why would she put her own name on a box? If I were her, I'd just put "ME" on the box.
ReplyDeleteBut yes, I would read on.
Not hooked, but it's not a genre I read so I'm not a good judge. :) I didn't really find anything to hook me or make me want to read on, sorry. Chalk it up to my genre tastes and preferences. ;)
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc
I liked this very much--many of the details--the cold, not having eaten, the smells. It's a bit sad, and a beet sweet, but it doesn't feel sappy.
ReplyDeleteI was slightly confused in the first sentence. Maybe it needs a "then" after lost?
And if she doesn't remember standing on the porch, how does she remember where she collapsed in the hall later? Wouldn't those memories sort of go together?
Overall, I thought this was good, though maybe not exactly suspenseful. I'd read on.