Maggie is a 911 operator. Her call center has been getting calls on some kind of disturbance.
Maggie glided her chair away from her desk. "Hey, Joel. What's going on in Terra Heights?"
He put a hand over his mic. "Some kind of disturbance."
She already knew that much. Maggie glided back to her desk and answered another call.
"Hello," a child's spoke into the receiver. "I think there's an earthquake and I'm all by myself."
Dear God. What hare-brained idiot left a little boy alone during the night?
"Okay, sweetie. Are you at home?"
"Yes." The boy's voice trembled amidst the low rumbling in the background.
"Can you tell me your address?"
Maggie filled in the information as the child answered her questions.
"Trevor, I need you to stay indoors until the shaking stops. Where are you in the house?"
"I'm in the kitchen."
"Okay, find a sturdy table and hide underneath it. Stay away from any glass and windows. Can you do that for me?"
"Yes."
The child's frantic breathing pierced through the receiver and tugged at Maggie's emotions.
"Are you under a sturdy table?"
"Yes."
Maggie heard a beeping coming from the other end.
"Mommy's on the other line!"
"Hold on, Trevor, don't—"
The call cut off, and Maggie immediately redialed. She got a busy signal and then proceeded to do an emergency line break.
As soon as she connected to Trevor, his high-pitched screams came through.
"Mommy! Mommy!"
The rumbling had grown into deafening chaos. She heard glass breaking, objects crashing and crunching, and the phone scratching against surfaces, tumbling about.
Geez, had to go and employ the ol' child-in-danger bit ;)
ReplyDeleteBut I like this! I'd keep reading to see how Maggie helps/becomes more involved, and what the central action of the story is.
I got goosebumps on this one, too. I love that we only know what Maggie knows, which is just enough to be frightening. And you have a really good, clean writing style. But fess up--I want to know what happens!
ReplyDeleteReally good! Very tense. I was confused, though, on why the child would answer the phone with "Mommy, Mommy" if he didn't know who was on the other end.
ReplyDeleteThe child didn't know Maggie cut off his mother to connect with him again (emergency line break,) so he's just crying aloud for his mom in panic.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for the comments so far!
*fades into the background again*
Very good tension. Some minor thoughts: don't 911 operators automatically get addresses these days? Also, I was a little distracted by the word "glided" when she moves her chair. It took me a bit to get that she was rolling around on her chair, at first I thought she was floating.
ReplyDeleteOther than those minor thoughts, definitely tense. Maybe some emotional reaction from Maggie would help, as she realizes where the child is, would her heart rate increase, her hands tremble, her eyes widen, etc.
Good tension. Maybe cut to the phone call and the pertinent information quicker just to speed up the pacing a bit.
ReplyDeleteI liked this one. I agree with blodwyn, the gliding was a bit confusing. I thought that she was gliding. I thought that it was set in the future like the Jetsons.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it is. Is it?
Good tension building up here. I agree on the gliding comments.
ReplyDeleteWell, this one had me tense. I found myself caring deeply about the little boy.
ReplyDeleteMaggie wasn't a big part of the tension, she's more of a back drop for it. That probably fleshes out more as the scene continues.
I felt the helplessness of "listening in" on disaster without being able to do anything, which I think is the most tense part of all.
Whoa. This is really tense, and you do a good job of dragging the reader right into the scene through the child's predicament. What sort of hair-brained idiot does leave a child alone in the middle of the night?
ReplyDeleteOne question: "'Hello,' a child's spoke into the receiver." Is there a word missing there? Also, would it work to note the child's voice attribution before the word "hello"? (Technically, Trevor spoke into a transmitter of some kind. Maggie had the receiver on her end. And technically, all Maggie would know is that the child's voice was emanating from the receiver on her end. She couldn't see the child, right? Yes, you may throw shoes at me now.)
This was so good. I want more. Great tension.
ReplyDelete