Title: The End of Normal
Genre: Young Adult Fiction
The sound of tuning guitars and random drum taps snatched her thoughts. It was about to start, and she wanted to be front and center. She wanted to look Sebbie dead in his eyes as she booed him, from the bottom of her heart. Her feet plopped to the floor, and she opened the stall door. There was zero light in the bathroom, and she was relieved to find her way to the door handle.
Theodora now stood in the darkened school hallway. Her body turned to the left, and took a few steps when a sound came from behind; she turned completely around.
Various thoughts ran through her mind - The hallways were so dark at night. Was that Sebbie standing ten feet away? Why wasn’t he in there? His band was scheduled to go next. Was he saying something to her? Why was he just standing there, so still?
“What do you want, Sebbie?” she shouted down the hall.
He began to walk towards her. She thought he looked weird, sorta stiff or something. She didn’t like it. She turned around, quickly heading back on her path to the gym. She shouted over her shoulder, “Whatever!”
She wasn’t prepared for him to run up behind her or how wrong his face looked. She froze in place as words came slithering out of his mouth in a demented whisper.
“Don’t you know what you are? You don’t belong here, Thaorode. Get me the book. Miravale will perish. GET ME THE BOOK!”
And then he fell flat on his freckled, sixth grade face.
The last three paragraphs were really gripping. As an adult, I was gripped by the realization that Sebbie, too, is a kid, and in trouble.
ReplyDeleteI love the last line. That just makes the whole scene for me.
ReplyDeleteGood tension, here. Not only is Theodora in danger, apparently, Sebbie is in the grip of danger, too.
ReplyDeleteReally enjoyed it. The last few lines made it for me.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was reading this, I forgot that it was a kid too. The ending was very tense. Good job.
ReplyDeleteGood job with the ending, definitely tense and I didn't see it coming. Teeny tiny nitpick: I'd like it better if you said "found the door handle" vs. "her way to the door handle" - since the relief would happen upon hitting the door handle (hey I said it was teeny!).
ReplyDeleteGood job.
Wow. This is tense even for adults. And mysterious. Did I forget to mention mysterious?
ReplyDeleteGood closer, but the rest of it felt overdone to me, i.e. too many words to convey simple thoughts and actions. For example, Her body turned to the left, and took a few steps is verbose and clunky. A simple, "She took a few steps to the left" flows smoother.
ReplyDeleteGood setting for a tense scene. For me, however, the problem with the craft kept me from feeling any tension.
ReplyDeleteIf I may suggest:
"Her body turned to the left, and took a few steps"
This sounds like her body has a mind of its own.
"The hallways were so dark at night. Was that Sebbie standing ten feet away? Why wasn’t he in there? His band was scheduled to go next. Was he saying something to her? Why was he just standing there, so still?"
This whole paragraph is filled with passive sentences ("was").
From the first para, I thought that Theo hated Sebbie. So why is she now afraid? Or have I misread this?
"He began to walk towards her."
Did he walk or not?
"She thought he looked weird, sorta stiff or something."
If we're in her POV, don't need "she thought."
"sixth grade face"
YA targets youngsters in high school and in their 20s, not 6th graders
I want to say this is good...and I think it is. From "Whatever" down, you REALLY had me creeped out. Prior to "Whatever", I'm not sure why... her body turned a lot... and I couldn't get a clear picture of the setting in my head. Except for her turning body. And instead of the questioning thoughts running through her head, maybe describe him in real time, and explain how she saw him despite the dark hallways.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with some of the other posts--I had a hard time getting into it while she was in the bathroom and then moving into the hallway. The ending was great though, and very intriguing.
ReplyDeleteGreat job. I loved the voice you've given this piece. My only comment is regarding the second paragraph where you begin "Theodora now stood in the darkened hallway". I was a little confused there. I thought Theodora was another character that your m/c was looking and had to reread a few times to realize Theodora was the girl in the bathroom.
ReplyDelete