Genre: YA
My uniform hung from the line; brown shirt, black pants. I unpinned them and stuffed them under my arm. I saw the basket of potatoes by the door, but didn’t take them in. Getting ready for Hitler Youth was more important. Mother could take them to the cellar herself.
Father turned on the radio and flopped into his chair. “…unemployment in Germany is the lowest it has been in years. The creation of the autobahn promises more jobs for more men, and we await the day when, as our great Fuehrer has promised, an automobile for every family…”
“See?” I said, pointing at the radio. “We have the Fuehrer to thank.”
Father shrugged.
I went to my room, put on my uniform, and expertly donned a thin black tie. The final touch was an armband, shiny and black with a striking swastika on it.
My parents sat in the living room listening to the radio when I returned. My mother’s face had paled to the same color of putty on our walls, her mouth forming a small “o”. “…the Jewish problem is being addressed…”
“I’m going now. “
They jerked upright.
My mother stood and stared me in the eyes. “Son, must you go out again? We hardly see you as it is.”
“Heinz Schultz says we are sons of Germany first.”
I couldn’t help but notice her stricken face.
“Really, Mother, you worry too much.” I smiled at her, and grabbed my jacket. It looked like rain.
I LOVE this idea. One of the brainwashed kids under Hitler-- with his family not so taken. I sense an incredible, earth-shaking conflict between them ahead. I'd read more for sure.
ReplyDeleteVery interesting concept. I think I'd cut the "Hitler Youth" reference from the opening. That part is made clear by the Fuehrer/swastika and the protag's interaction with the parents. I think it adds a bit more suspense the uniform thing, if you don't spell it out in the first paragraph.
ReplyDelete"My uniform hung from the line; brown shirt, black pants. I unpinned them and stuffed them under my arm. I saw the basket of potatoes by the door, but didn’t take them in. Getting ready was more important. Mother could take them to the cellar herself"
Oh, this promises to be good. I'm interested to know more and wonder how this character will grow and change during the story. I'd definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteHmmm. Hitler Youth. I think I can already see exactly what the plot will be: the protag loves Hitler but then meets a Jew or some reactionary who changes his mind. Still, I'd read on because this part of history is always interesting to me.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if I would read on because I feel like I can predict the plot, like ipgirl said. Also, there's one dialogue line I want to point out to you, because it really sticks out to me...
ReplyDelete"Son, must you go out again? We hardly see you as it is.”
I'm sorry, but this doesn't seem realistic to me. Personally, I've never heard anyone call their child, "son" or "daughter" instead of their name. It seems cold, and too formal for the WWII era. Would you consider changing it to something like: "You're going again? We hardly see you now." or something like that.
Please remember, this is just my opinion, and I am not an agent or editor.
I feel the parents are too passive in this excerpt--maybe that's what you want. I really like the idea of this story though. I think I wanted more emotion from the father.
ReplyDeleteThe MC's voice is good, but could be strengthened a bit, IMHO. He just feels kinda removed from the moment, and seems more a tool for the author to get the story across, rather than him being the one to show us the story.
ReplyDeleteAlso, MC names introduced right off the bat are a good thing.
Personally, though, I wouldn't read on. I lost family in the concentration camps, and even if this turns into a story where the MC realizes the error of their ways and works to bring down the evil ones, it's still a touchy subject for me. So, even if it's a short time he's with the HY's, I wouldn't be able to forget he once allied with them. For a crime like this, he wouldn't be redeemable in my eyes. Sorry.
I like the concept a lot, though I found the protagonist to be stiff and too formal. How old is he? Does his inner voice need to sound so uptight? I might read a little more, depending on the point of the plot.
ReplyDeleteI'm very curious where you are going with this. Looking back we all know how things went and where everything went wrong. But the people in the era didn't.
ReplyDeleteI like the 1984-ish feel to this idea. I want to read more :o)
I was hooked by this. It's an incredibly difficult subject to address, and in order for this book to be successful, the rest of the work must be extremely nuanced and thoughtful. I liked the end line very much; the narrator seems so blissfully unaware, but it adds an ominous tone. I do wish, however, for an extra detail or two about the parents and the home.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteMy only thing is that "Hitler Youth" stands out funny here. Use the german term instead? Another thing is it is rather thrown in there by the author, but not something that the character would think. I mean, he would say 'Getting ready for the march was more important'. Have him thinking about being noticed by the leaders, and thinking ahead. This kid sounds devoted to the cause... and ambitious. And then you can later drop the reference to Hitler Youth (the german term, to go with "Fuehrer") in context - maybe when he's thinking of the other members of his group or whatever.
I'm very intereseted. This has great description, good voice and good characterization. I think there's good tension.
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid I don't like the narrator, though. From the title I'm guessing he changes, so that's probably OK, but I'd have trouble hanging with him if he stays this unsympathetic for very long.
I really do like the idea here but the voice and the opener so far doesn't really pull me in and give me a good idea of the character or engage me.
ReplyDeleteSorry. I do like the concept but the writing itself doesn't work for me yet.
Good luck,
~Merc