TITLE: Singularity
GENRE: Young Adult Urban Fantasy
A man and woman stood together in the underground passage among the charred bodies. The man was tall and pale-skinned, with white hair and severe black eyes. He glowered at the corpses as though they died to spite him.
“A dreadful mess,” he remarked, nudging aside a shriveled hand with his polished boot. “We’ll wait until nightfall to convey them to the basement of the Academy Building. I’ll contact the sheriff with our cover story. A chemical mishap, perhaps, or even--”
“Enough, Campion,” the woman ordered. Her gaze remained fixed upon the bundle in her arms. “Let the baby sleep.”
“If she slumbered through her parents incinerating themselves, I doubt I’ll wake her, Denezen. I have a soothing voice.”
Denezen tore her eyes from the infant. “What are we going to do about her? It’s too dangerous to keep her here.”
“Faruquel’s arranging a new identity.”
Denezen stared at him. “You asked Faruquel?”
“He can forge a convincing birth certificate—”
“You heard him a few minutes ago, didn’t you? He called her a ‘Herald of the Apocalypse’!”
“He does not intend to name her that.”
“Please share, then.”
“Maleficent Maitland.”
She stared at him. “Maleficent,” she echoed. “As in the Disney villain? That Maleficent?”
“It’s a Latin word, you ignorant woman.”
“Meaning what?”
Campion hesitated. He sent a baby an alarmed look—seeming to realize something.
“What does it mean?" Denezen pressed.
Campion's scowl deepened. “Evildoer,” he admitted.
Denezen’s mouth opened and closed; she seemed torn between outrage and laughter-- and settled on outrage.
Miss Snark's First Victim
You have a very intriguing voice, which might compel me to keep reading for a little while. But honestly, orphaned babies left in the hands of highly magical/important people and doomed to a life of fighting/warding off evil is up there with vampires in terms of over-done.
ReplyDeleteI'm not clear on whose point of view this is. I think we need to be in someone's POV here. When the man "seems to realize something" who does he "seem" to? And is the realization just about the meaning of the name? Because I'm having trouble buying that he just figured it out now. I'm hoping that the realization is a hint at something else.
ReplyDeleteI'm guessing you mean "he sent THE baby an alarmed look". Or are there several babies present?
I like the last line, which would work best from the man's point of view, so I think you should stick to him for the opening.
I think this is definitely not something I would read because it's too full of scary things.
ReplyDeleteI thought your writing was clean and engaging - your male character scared the p out of me.
If the baby is really evil, I won't read it, but for someone who's into this, I think it would be very hard to put down.
Good job, IMO.
Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I do realize, sraasch, that the orphaned baby thing is a dreadful cliche. I'm trying to do something new with it-- and it's something I need for the way the protagonist relates to the adults in her life.
ReplyDeleteAnd thanks, h.l. dyer-- I'm embarrassed to have a typo in 250 words! This was my attempt at omniscient POV just for the opening of the story, but clearly I'll need to revise a bit more.
I can't do the POV of either of the adult characters. Too much of the story depends upon being firmly -outside- their heads, but I'll definitely give some thought about how to salvage what's here.
Thank you, sissy! Even though you wouldn't read it, I appreciate hearing your thoughts.
I think there are some intriguing nuggets in this one, but they need better execution. I initially pictured many dead bodies, and I thought the Disney reference was a reminder of the real world. I also thought there was some poor verb choice, particularly "Denezen tore her eyes from the infant". I do, however, love the idea of an evil little girl as a protagonist- I don't know if that's actually the case with the rest of the story, but if you can take something already successful (magical orphans) and turn it around (evil isn't so bad), that's a recipe for commercial success. Look at Emily the Strange.
ReplyDeleteIt's interesting, but hard to sink into without knowing whose POV we're in. Plus, the Disney crack seemed a little forced to me, rather than clever.
ReplyDeleteI'm torn. The situation is cliched, and I'm not really connecting with the characters, but the voice is good.
ReplyDeleteI'm not hooked on the omniscient viewpoint or overdone orphaned babies, but I love the idea of an evil orphan! With a clear viewpoint character and a blurb about the plot, I might keep reading. Tighten the narrative, and I'd be hooked.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I'm hooked, but I think it's because I'm not sure of the time frame. It feels more s/f than fantasy and the Disney reference seems way out of place. Also, if you're starting with a pov that won't be used elsewhere in the story, you need to consider ditching that pov. Just my .02. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThere are some things I like here--the hidden world within the one everybody knows, the debate about whether a child can or should be considered evil before she's ever done anything.
ReplyDeleteI'm not fond of the opening description, though, and I get a bit confused about who's speaking in the long, non-tagged dialogue section. And I think you've got enough similarities to the Harry Potter starting scenario that you're inviting comparison. Few of us can stand up to that kind of scrutiny.
Still, I'd probably keep reading.
No, sorry. I don't like the lack of POV, the 'birth scene' like start (the MC is the baby, I assume, and so we're getting her whole situation from some random people whom I don't care about yet, and I'm usually NOT interested in seeing the MC as a baby), the dialogue felt forced, and nothing is happening except the relay of information.
ReplyDeleteToo many things put me off, but I think your writing is clean and I did like some of the mannerisms of the man, and the comment about the Disney villain was hilarious. :)
Good luck,
~Merc
It didn't hook me.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I could definitely get a feel for the intensity of the white-haired male, even if it immediately put to mind Sephiroth (I know, shoot me dead). I could practically hear him speaking in my head. Perhaps it's that connection, but well done on that.