Somewhere in the Caribbean Sea
The ice cubes rattled around in the glass, and the Scotch sloshed up the sides, splashing onto the bar countertop. David Brewer had never been impaired by just three drinks in his entire life. He was a man known in his social circles for being capable of holding his liquor. So what the hell was going on? His right cheek and eye twitched, and he couldn’t steady his glass without sitting it on the bar. Energy seemed to evaporate from his body like a puddle of water in the desert. He leaned his large girth against the edge of the bar and glanced through the portholes in the doorway leading to the outside of deck four. Whitecaps tossed and rolled as the ship steamed toward the next port of call, but the weather didn't appear to be different from any of the previous nights on the cruise. If he wasn’t seasick, what was his body trying to tell him?
Brewer had become a regular of the Jamaican bartender in the Schooner Lounge, so he called him by name. “Larche, could I have my check please?” The bartender smiled, nodded, and carefully pecked with one finger on a touch screen. A long slender machine attached by a cord to the touch screen chattered loudly. After a brief pause in the clicking a long stretch of paper magically reeled out the top. The bartender tore off the paper and delivered it to Brewer.
Energy seemed to evaporate from his body like a puddle of water in the desert.
ReplyDeleteI found this simile distracting, because I'm wondering... why would there be a puddle of water in the desert? And if there was, wouldn't whatever allowed it to form keep it from evaporating? It pulled me out of your story.
Brewer had become a regular of the Jamaican bartender in the Schooner Lounge, so he called him by name.
I don't think you need this line at all. The fact that he calls the bartender by name makes his frequenting the bar quite clear without your telling us so. And we already know he's at a bar on a ship, so the name "Schooner Lounge" isn't telling us anything new, either.
I also feel like there's a lot of time spent on his bar receipt (which I'm having a hard time seeing as "magical"). You could probably cut that out or down considerably, which might make something more interesting happen sooner.
You need to start with immediate action for a thriller.
ReplyDeleteI feel a disconnect with the character - it's very descriptive but it doesn't feel like it's coming from inside his head but outside of it. He is impaired somehow, but his thoughts are too clear - he looks at the whitecaps, he thinks about his body, he asks for his check succinctly. You have a good opening hook, but I think it would be better served if you showed some of the effect the liquor is having on him.
ReplyDeleteIt's so funny because writing is so subjective :)I liked the attention to detail and could envision myself on the ship with him.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I enjoyed this entry and would look forward to turning the page.
I would pick up the pace on this one. It's a slow start for a thriller, and while I can tell that the narrator is having some sort of problem with his drink, it's not enough excitement. I don't need immediate action, per se, but I do need a deep and immediate sense of intrigue. I think if you got rid of some of the descriptions and background and just let this play out in a more staccato fashion, you might have something.
ReplyDeleteHmm...so he's sick or something on a cruise ship. That is pretty interesting. Some of the wording seemed slightly awkward but I'm intrigued enough to read on.
ReplyDeleteThis started out with just the right amount of subtlety and tension. I definitely wanted to read more.
ReplyDeleteNot badly written, but there's nothing here that really draws me in. For a thriller I'd have expected a pacier start. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteIt's an interesting voice and setting, and solid writing, but there's no much plot-wise going on yet (the strange feeling thing doesn't work as a strong hook, IMHO). I'd probably read on to the end of the chapter though, to see where you were going with this.
ReplyDeleteI don't feel connected enough to the protagonist or his situation to keep reading. I like the subtle showing of his drink being drugged or poisoned, but the pace needs to move a little faster. I don't mind description, but there seems to be surplus here.
ReplyDeleteI liked the first paragraph--the scene setting, the problem, the characterization of David. I, too, want to know why he's feeling drunk on so little provocation. And I like the way David checks through his options--drunk? seasick?
ReplyDeleteI felt like the bit about getting the check was way too slow moving. They detail was finely drawn, but I wasn't sure why I should care about these details. For most modern people, a receipt printer doesn't seem all that magical.
Also (and I know this is super picky), are you a regular of a bartender or of a bar? The phrase just seemed off to me somehow--maybe it just seemed overexplained.
It's not working for me, sorry. Who is narrating? I feel like I'm watching the character, and that isn't where I like to be.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to see this start with the conflict and some action. This scene doesn't grab me the way I want the opening of a thriller to.
I found this interesting, but not really to my taste. The extended bit about printing the check drew me out of the story completely.
ReplyDeleteNot engaging enough. All I know is that the MC is drunk on a ship. For a thriller, that's not compelling enough. I would start where your action starts, or somewhere that gives us a sense of the intrigue to come.
ReplyDeleteWhere's the suspense and tension? He's drunk and confused, and that's not enough to pull me in. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteI do like your descriptions, but coming from the mind of a drunken man, I think they are too clear and clean-cut.
Let us feel what he's feeling! Let me get into his head!
Good start, though. I would keep reading a little bit to find out why you've put this in the thriller suspense genre. If it didn't hook me soon, though, I'd probably quit.
No. While I do like the conflict and suspect he's been drugged, all the explanation sort of killed the tension for me, and I think you could trim it back again.
ReplyDelete(Telling us he's never had a problem after three drinks is enough--we don't need to know more yet, and the part with him being able to hold his liquor feels unnecessary and repetitive, slowing the pace.)
If you trimmed back most of the unnecessary explanation and get him out of the bar or whatever by the end of the 250 words, I think it'd be a stronger hook and I might want to read on.
Good luck!
~Merc