Emil’s arm slides around my back, drawing me in just close enough so we can still speak, though I don’t know if I want to. We sway, his hand warm against the small of my back, my cheek inches from his shoulder. It’s too freaking much.
I pull away. Out of the corner of my eye I see Michel at our table, eating, and Anna, toying with a straw and looking bored.
“Let’s just go,” I say.
Emil slides his hand into mine. “Tell me, why did you do that stupid thing?”
I’m not going to pretend I don’t know what he’s talking about. “It’s complicated,” I say.
“So now you’re working for the enemy.” The corners of his mouth twist into a
grimace.“I don’t like you in that house alone with a guy you barely know.”
“He’s harmless. And I don’t really have a choice, anyway.”
“You always have a choice.”
“Unless you want to see me during visiting hours only, I have to work there.”
“Well, I don’t like it.”
I whip around, heart pounding. “Why is this important to you?”
He looks at me a long second. “Doru sent me that book last week. We’re emailing each other again. He’s my friend.”
“If he’s your friend then what am I?”
I can see this being a very explosive scene, but I think I need to see it in context and know who everyone is for this to work.
ReplyDeleteOh, I like it. Great dialogue. Just wondering--she "whipped around" to talk to him again, but I thought she had been facing him to begin with. Might just be confused since I haven't read the whole scene.
ReplyDeleteThanks! Yeah, I deleted a line that would have made the "whipped around" make sense. It doesn't anymore. Thanks for pointing that out!
ReplyDelete--Lo
Yes, there's tension.
ReplyDeleteI like this beat: I'm not going to pretend I don't know what he's talking about.
Emil's line, "Tell me, why did you do that stupid thing?" sounds a little awkward. Maybe he could say, "Tell me why you did that stupid thing." Or, "Why did you do that stupid thing?"
(That's just a tiny thing; I've been sensitized to overwritten dialogue ever since Mr. Authoress started ripping mine to shreds!)
Thanks! English is Emil's second language, though that probably isn't working all that well in that snippet of dialogue.
ReplyDeleteI got that Emil's second language was English from his semi-broken almost-overly-proper dialogue, and I think it worked. I'm not terribly engaged with what's going on, but if I knew more about what they were talking about, I might be into it. Who doesn't love foreign guys? ;)
ReplyDeleteYou did an awesome job of portraying Emil as foreign, with English as his second language. I could tell immediately from how he said "that stupid thing." It's charmingly awkward, and Americans wouldn't talk that way. There was tension, definitely, and I liked the subtext in her attitude. On the outside things are calm, but on the inside she's a brewing storm. Something is up and I'm eager find out what it is. Excellent job!
ReplyDeleteI agree with just_me. I can see the set-up for tension, but I'm too confused without the background to really feel it.
ReplyDeleteI'm a little confused as to what's going on, but that makes sense given this drop the needle context. I do feel tension between the two characters.
ReplyDeleteDitto with what just_me said. There's a lot of back-and-forthing, and I think the addition of some physical details (such as gestures) would help set the scene for the readers a bit more.
ReplyDeleteI think context would help this piece greatly; I wish you gave more of a lead in. But I can see there's underlying tension here. I'd like to read more.
ReplyDelete