GENRE: Young Adult
I'm not going to call this a memoir. I'm going to call it what it was: a dream. One long dream interspersed with brief, jarring moments of reality that faded until they were as black as the ice that freezes on the highway. You can't see it, but it's there, and it'll kill you if you don't go slowly.
Much like people. People can kill you, too, without you ever seeing them.
Sneaky little buggers.
*
The coffee shop's "OPEN" sign sputtered out, then flicked back on, the neon-pink letters blinking on and off individually. I tore the wrapper off a straw and folded it into a little paper football. Flicking it around the table, I kept my eyes on it, trying not to let the waitress behind the counter know that I was keeping track of the time by how often the entire sign blinked out.
It had been one-hundred-fifty-two blinks since I'd gotten there, realized there was no one else in the coffee house, and gotten bored to distraction.
One-hundred-fifty-three.
One-hundred-fifty-four.
The door opened. An old couple hobbled to the counter, ordered two medium coffees, de-caf, and left.
One-hundred-seventy-one. One-hundred-seventy-two. One-hundred-seventy-three.
The waitress appeared at my table again, her short hair curled in a way that screamed "I'm middle-aged!" She cleared her throat and held her pen and paper at the ready. "You sure you don't want anything, hon?"
I shot my eyes to the door, to the sidewalk beyond, to the empty parking spots. "Um–"
No. Sorry. The narrators voice just doesn't grab my attention or hold it. I'm not the target audience though, so don't worry :o) It's just not my style.
ReplyDeleteI like the voice here, but I feel like I'm waiting for the story to start.
ReplyDeleteI REALLY like the voice. Your opening bit really grabbed me, but I would have to say, the second half, not as much.
ReplyDeleteYou definitely have something here, but I'd love for you to find a way to keep the power of the opening going. It feels a little to me like you're trying to force some emotion in the second section, rather than just letting it happen.
I'd still likely read on. I like your style very much.
I like the voice. Wasn't so interested in the opening bit; the similies and metaphors felt overworked (that's just me.) Not much going on afterwards either. I assume she/he is waiting for someone, and as a result I was waiting for the story to begin. I don't have a problem with slow starts, so long as there are visuals and some insight as to what is to come.
ReplyDeleteVoice: very good. Plot: too slow.
I would pass.
I love your voice and style! But I would open up with the second section. The first section was overworked, as fairchild says, with similes and metaphors.
ReplyDeleteI would open with the line "People can kill you without you ever seeing them."
Then jump into the neon sign section.
Just a suggestion. :)
I like this very much. I would keep reading for sure.
While the writing is strong and suggests this will be a well-written book, nothing interesting enough happened in this opening to hook me. The bored behavior is very well described, but so well I found myself feeling bored in agreement with it. And the metaphor at the beginning didn't hook me much...
ReplyDeletePerhaps with the voice getting tweaked a little this would be more grabbing. If I liked the book's blurb I'd give it a bit longer to pick up since there's nothing wrong here, there's just nothing gripping here either for me.
I've made a comment on this before that if everything that happened is a dream, your protagonist looses credibility in the eyes of the reader.
ReplyDeleteAlso, really nothing plot- or conflict-wise happens here to hook the reader.
Sorry, but it's a no for me.
Not for me. I'd recommend starting after the scene break and removing the introspective start. I found it more confusing than enlightening. As for the second half, I'm not hooked. Again, too much introspection. In an opening, I need either conflict or intriguing characters to hook me. Perhaps cut some of the counting and increase the pace a little.
ReplyDeleteAs I've commented on the 2 first lines already, I don't think this opening works.
ReplyDeleteAs someone suggested, you could start with: "People can kill you without you ever seeing them."
The rest is too slow and void of conflict to grab me. Sorry.
I'm not sure if I'm sold here. I'm interested, but...
ReplyDeleteIf this were a book in my hands, I'd skip over the dream to get to 'real time'.
Thanks for commenting, everyone! I wish there was one thing pinpointed that I could fix, but the dissent is a bit spread out. One thing I did want to clear up: this isn't a dream. Beth (my protagonist) comes to appreciate her dreams more than reality, because in being unconscious she gets to be with her "soul mate", who is already dead. To Beth this IS technically a memoir, but those moments of unconsciousness meant more to her than her physical life.
ReplyDeleteI know explaining the plot sometimes doesn't change any opinions, but I thought I'd try!
The voice captured my attention. I didn't assume it was a literal dream, but a metaphorical one.
ReplyDeleteWhere you started to lose me was when you started counting the blinks. Because then I'm watching blinks, and I don't know what I'm waiting for. I think that's part of what people are saying by telling you that nothing is actually happening. Nobody has burst through the door yet, and we don't know enough about the MC to be intrigued while we wait. Plus, since she's bored, we become bored.
Does that make sense?
It feels like whatever comes later needs to come sooner. I often have to do that when I tighten -- cut the stuff I "know" happens, pull it all in closer so the reader doesn't stumble and vanish between the lines...
I like the voice, but I'm not a fan of the "black ice" comparison. It just seemed like too large of a stretch in order to get some wordplay in. I also could have used a few less blinks of the sign. My suggestion for this is to give away a little plot in that first snippet, and then I'd be hooked.
ReplyDeleteI didn't like it until Sneaky little buggers which made me laugh and was where you really got my attention.
ReplyDeleteOverall, though, while there are some interesting bits (the blinking), except for the last two paragraphs before the scene break, I can't say I'm hooked.
Good luck,
~Merc