GENRE: Mystery/Suspense
FBI Special Agent Rich Stryker calls his partner, Special Agent Kylie Andrews, on her cell phone as he locates the serial killer aboard the cruise ship Tranquility of the Seas. Stryker is standing between the killer and a medical evacuation helicopter that is about land on the deck. The killer has the ship's captain tied to a chair, and he's also holding a female entertainer at gunpoint.
“Kylie, damn it, stop! I mean it. Don’t take another step. He said something about making you go boom. He dropped a device on you somewhere, and you’d better get off this ship and find it before he does something really stupid.”
“You think he’s bluffing?”
“I don’t think Najjar bluffs about much.”
Najjar overheard Stryker’s side of the conversation. “You tell Agent Andrews, I’ll show her who’s bluffing.”
“No, no. She says she believes you. One hundred percent, she believes you, Najjar.”
Stryker turned his head away from Najjar and whispered into the phone, “Get off the ship and have a bomb squad check you out.” He didn’t have the phone to his ear, but he heard Kylie ask, “What’s the bomb squad supposed to check?”
“I don’t know,” he half yelled.
“You don’t know what, Agent Stryker?” Najjar yelled.
“Just talking to myself.” Suddenly it occurred to Stryker that the security staff, Najjar’s security staff, had supplied the cell phones he and Kylie were using. For Christ’s sake, it was the phone!
“No more phone calls. Put the phone down now or I kill this beautiful girl.” Stryker had seen how easily Najjar had killed the fire fighter, so he had no choice but to terminate the call. He didn’t, though—he left the connection open, allowing Kylie to overhear his conversation if she was listening. If she couldn’t hear him speaking, this tactic to alert her was worthless.
“What did you put in our phones?” Stryker yelled back to Najjar.
“A little surprise. In my business we call that insurance, Agent Stryker.”
God he hoped Kylie could hear him.
Looks good. I'd love to read the rest of the story :o)
ReplyDeleteThis is an extremely complicated scene to put your reader into because you've got a phone conversation and a real conversation going on at the same time, but I think you've done a decent job.
ReplyDeleteMy one issue is I have a hard time believing a serial killer would say he'd "make someone go boom" because it sounds pretty juvenile.
But maybe that's your antagonist's personality...I dunno.
Good job.
I like it. Some of Najjar's dialogue did seem a little bit cliched, such as "I'll show her who's bluffing." But overall very interesting.
ReplyDeleteI definitely felt the tension between Stryker and Najjar, but I myself wasn't the least bit afraid of Najjar. It was already mentioned, but it had something to do with his dialogue and "making her go boom". If I was as afraid of Najjar as Stryker is, it'd be a scene rocking with tension.
ReplyDeleteGood pacing, which helped maintain the tension. Clever title, too!
ReplyDeleteI agree that the dialogue is a bit stilted. Otherwise, this was good, and the ending "dynamite".
ReplyDeleteThere's tension, all right, but I was confused over who was talking on the phone and who was talking in person. Kind of ruined it for me.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't confused at all. Great, tense scene. Not usually my type of reading, but this one has me hooked.
ReplyDeleteGood tension - lots of levels. Between Najjar and Stryker, with the phone, the bomb, etc. I agree that some of the dialog could be tightened.
ReplyDeleteI think the tension would be even stronger if you shortened the dialogue and sentences. They're punchier when short, and resonate in your readers' mind. Plus, they speed up the pacing, so it mirrors the tension you're building between these characters.
ReplyDeleteAlso, not a fan of: "go boom" It feels juvenile, and not something a seasoned FBI agent would say.
I am so glad I found this site. You all offer such insightful and helpful comments. You are all correct about Najjar's dialogue. During the chase, he talks down to the FBI agents, treating them like children, and trying to make them feel that he is totally in charge. He's not only a serially killer, he's a jerk. Thanks so much to everyone for your help. You guys are great!
ReplyDeleteNice job. You have tension with whether or not Stryker will be able to save the 2 hostages & what will happen to Kylie.
ReplyDeleteGreat tension in this and I loved the characters. I would read on.
ReplyDeleteGood job
This situation is definitely tense (come on, a bomb on a ship; that's classic action stuff!), but I was confused as to who was where and how each of them were hearing each other.
ReplyDeleteYep, tense. :-)
ReplyDeleteA couple of small things:
Najjar overheard Stryker’s side of the conversation. If we're in the scene, wouldn't we sort of be able to assume it's Stryker's side of the conversation Najjar is hearing? I mean, we'd already know Kylie and Stryker were separated and Najjar was near Stryker, right?
Stryker had seen how easily Najjar had killed the fire fighter, so he had no choice but to terminate the call. By this point, we'd also be aware that Stryker had seen Najjar kill the firefighter, right? (Or is that new information here?) Perhaps all we really need to know is that Stryker had no choice but to comply.
Just a couple of thoughts. :-)