Naomi gripped the tan leather-wrapped steering wheel of her mother's Mercedes and pressed on the gas as hard as she could. It was the first time she had felt any sort of rebellion flow through her, and she liked it as the pearl-white sedan zipped along the curves of the California coastline.
The details and word choice work well here; the scene feels concrete. The mention of rebellion hints at conflict, though at this point, it's not quite enough to hook me. (I tend to read mostly fantasy and science fiction anyway, so part of this may be genre preference.) I'd need more background here, such as the back-of-the-book blurb, to decide on this one.
Sorry, but I'm not hooked. This is an exciting scene, but there are too many words detracting from the urgency of it. Shorter sentences and terser words will help mirror the tension the character is probably feeling at this moment.
Always difficult to decide who to listen to (wink!) I agree with Lori and want to try and rework the sentences, but at the same time, would that detract from my character? She doesn't think in short, terse sentences. She wouldn't be Naomi if she did - but Lori, how would you know that in only two sentences? :)
However, I will consider your advice. It certainly bears some weight!
Keep the advice coming, people. I appreciate it immensely!
Although your character may not think in short sentences, you do have a bit of leeway because this isn't direct thought - it's narration.
The narration definitely has to back up the character, but you do have wriggle room, especially somewhere like here where your primary goal, above developing character, above furthering plot, above anything else, is to hook the reader.
Naomi gripped the tan leather-wrapped steering wheel of her mother's Mercedes and pressed on the gas as hard as she could. It was the first time she had felt any sort of rebellion flow through her, and she liked it as the pearl-white sedan zipped along the curves of the California coastline.
I liked this. The second sentence is passive had felt..
You can take the had out and it reads better also remove flow through her..
I think I like this. I had to read it several times in order to decide. My first response was that it was too detailed, but I think I changed my mind. (Please don't beat me for being wishy-washy. Fridays suck the life out of me. :-( )
Your word choices and the overall feeling are nice. I can almost feel the wind whipping past the car.
Well written. After reading a few times, to me the "too much detail" criticism mainly applies to the word "tan". Here the detail should be more on the feeling bit. She senses the steering wheel from her grip, so "tan" doesn't fit, IMO. I'd either delete it, or replace it with smooth, soft, sticky etc.
For those of you who care, here's the reworked sentences (now more than two, but we're not in the submission phase anymore. Yay!)
Naomi gripped the leather-wrapped steering wheel of her mother’s Mercedes and pressed on the gas as hard as she could. She had never felt such rebellion in her life. It was unexpectedly thrilling. Almost addicting. Her hands began to shake as the pearl-white sedan zipped along the curves of the California coastline.
And, you know, it all might change again. Who knows.
A HUGE THANK YOU to all of you who have commented!!!!!
The details and word choice work well here; the scene feels concrete. The mention of rebellion hints at conflict, though at this point, it's not quite enough to hook me. (I tend to read mostly fantasy and science fiction anyway, so part of this may be genre preference.) I'd need more background here, such as the back-of-the-book blurb, to decide on this one.
ReplyDeleteI like this and would read more.
ReplyDeleteSorry, but I'm not hooked. This is an exciting scene, but there are too many words detracting from the urgency of it. Shorter sentences and terser words will help mirror the tension the character is probably feeling at this moment.
ReplyDeleteAlways difficult to decide who to listen to (wink!) I agree with Lori and want to try and rework the sentences, but at the same time, would that detract from my character? She doesn't think in short, terse sentences. She wouldn't be Naomi if she did - but Lori, how would you know that in only two sentences? :)
ReplyDeleteHowever, I will consider your advice. It certainly bears some weight!
Keep the advice coming, people. I appreciate it immensely!
Too long for me.
ReplyDeleteAlthough your character may not think in short sentences, you do have a bit of leeway because this isn't direct thought - it's narration.
The narration definitely has to back up the character, but you do have wriggle room, especially somewhere like here where your primary goal, above developing character, above furthering plot, above anything else, is to hook the reader.
Agree with inky. Too much detail on the car and not enough on the plot.
ReplyDeleteI'm not pulled in here.
I like the attention to detail. The second sentence seems to need more punctuation in the last half, or reworded. Other than that, I think it's good.
ReplyDeleteNaomi gripped the tan leather-wrapped steering wheel of her mother's Mercedes and pressed on the gas as hard as she could. It was the first time she had felt any sort of rebellion flow through her, and she liked it as the pearl-white sedan zipped along the curves of the California coastline.
ReplyDeleteI liked this. The second sentence is passive had felt..
You can take the had out and it reads better also remove flow through her..
Definately would read more.
Good work.
I think I like this. I had to read it several times in order to decide. My first response was that it was too detailed, but I think I changed my mind. (Please don't beat me for being wishy-washy. Fridays suck the life out of me. :-( )
ReplyDeleteYour word choices and the overall feeling are nice. I can almost feel the wind whipping past the car.
Well written. After reading a few times, to me the "too much detail" criticism mainly applies to the word "tan". Here the detail should be more on the feeling bit. She senses the steering wheel from her grip, so "tan" doesn't fit, IMO. I'd either delete it, or replace it with smooth, soft, sticky etc.
ReplyDeleteFor those of you who care, here's the reworked sentences (now more than two, but we're not in the submission phase anymore. Yay!)
ReplyDeleteNaomi gripped the leather-wrapped steering wheel of her mother’s Mercedes and pressed on the gas as hard as she could. She had never felt such rebellion in her life. It was unexpectedly thrilling. Almost addicting. Her hands began to shake as the pearl-white sedan zipped along the curves of the California coastline.
And, you know, it all might change again. Who knows.
A HUGE THANK YOU to all of you who have commented!!!!!
Eh, no, sorry--nothing really grabbed me though it's probably just not my thing/genre. :)
ReplyDeleteThe re-worked paragraph is better, IMO, with the shorter sentences, though. ;)
~Merc
Thanks everybody for your comments! It's been a pleasure.
ReplyDelete